Anyways, earlier this weekend I reviewed on my GA stats the most recent search terms that brought people to my site. I don't get very many hits from search engines, and the ones that I do get aren't that funny or intriguing. Except for this one:
"how to be a badass"
Now, I know that doesn't come off as funny. But remember the full name of the blog you are reading... Badass Geek. I know he probably came by here because I wrote the "Badass Geek How-To Tutorial" a few months back, but I doubt it was much help to him. Anyone hoping to become just a badass by reading this blog is sorely mistaken. Since I'm pretty sure he didn't get what he was looking for, I'm going to offer Mr Wannabe Badass some helpful advice.
- If the word "geek" can be applied to one or any of the things you do, refrain from it immediately. That includes using Google to help find instructions on how to change your lifestyle. I know you can't just approach a guy that appears to be badass and ask "How can I be like you?" without getting punched in the nuts, but there is something to be said for simple observation.
- I would suggest taking up smoking. Combined with a leather jacket and aviator glasses, it might help your image a little. If you like flirting with danger, smoke a few packs a day. Willingly lowering your chances of ultimate longevity might make you seem cool.
- A heavy drinking habit might also help. Warn your liver first.
- Move out of your grandmother's basement.
- Telling the ladies you ride a bike is only cool if you are referring to a motorcycle. The Huffy 6-speed you've had since you were 9 doesn't count.
- Don't keep the same job for more than a week. Try to get fired if possible. Be careful with this one, though. Too heavy of a focus on this might make you appear to be what is called a "douchebag".
- Define your "originality" by whatever the media states is popular.
- Get a leather wallet, and throw out the canvas Velcro one you've carried around since you won it at the county fair. Remove any membership cards to any fictional groups, such as the Star Wars Fan Club or the Star Trek Fan Club.
- Get a couple of tattoo's. Tribal armbands are unique, because not too many people have them. Avoid selecting cartoon character's such as Spongebob or Dora the Explorer, even if they are your favorite shows and you have all the episode's recorded on your DVR.
- Commit a couple of small crimes, to build what is called a "rap sheet".
- Gain, and build upon, relationships with people known as "dealers", who distribute and sell addictive chemicals, plants, or illegal pharmaceuticals.
- Acting generally irresponsible is encouraged.
So there you have it. Follow these instructions carefully, and you'll be on your way to being a bonafide badass. But don't use the term "bonafide", as it might ruin all of your hard work in this matter. Good luck, Mr Wannabe. Let me know how it turns out.
P.S. One more suggestion. Never take any advice seriously from a guy who, even at one low-point in his life, looked like this: