Tuesday, July 22, 2008

In Which I Give Advice

As I've mentioned earlier, I am a huge fan of Google Analytics. It makes me happy in my pants, and I can spend hours pouring over the data it provides to me. Well, maybe not hours, because I'm not that much of a geek.... Okay, okay, so I am that much of a geek. But you like it.

Anyways, earlier this weekend I reviewed on my GA stats the most recent search terms that brought people to my site. I don't get very many hits from search engines, and the ones that I do get aren't that funny or intriguing. Except for this one:

"how to be a badass"

Now, I know that doesn't come off as funny. But remember the full name of the blog you are reading... Badass Geek. I know he probably came by here because I wrote the "Badass Geek How-To Tutorial" a few months back, but I doubt it was much help to him. Anyone hoping to become just a badass by reading this blog is sorely mistaken. Since I'm pretty sure he didn't get what he was looking for, I'm going to offer Mr Wannabe Badass some helpful advice.

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  • If the word "geek" can be applied to one or any of the things you do, refrain from it immediately. That includes using Google to help find instructions on how to change your lifestyle. I know you can't just approach a guy that appears to be badass and ask "How can I be like you?" without getting punched in the nuts, but there is something to be said for simple observation.
  • I would suggest taking up smoking. Combined with a leather jacket and aviator glasses, it might help your image a little. If you like flirting with danger, smoke a few packs a day. Willingly lowering your chances of ultimate longevity might make you seem cool.
  • A heavy drinking habit might also help. Warn your liver first.
  • Move out of your grandmother's basement.
  • Telling the ladies you ride a bike is only cool if you are referring to a motorcycle. The Huffy 6-speed you've had since you were 9 doesn't count.
  • Don't keep the same job for more than a week. Try to get fired if possible. Be careful with this one, though. Too heavy of a focus on this might make you appear to be what is called a "douchebag".
  • Define your "originality" by whatever the media states is popular.
  • Get a leather wallet, and throw out the canvas Velcro one you've carried around since you won it at the county fair. Remove any membership cards to any fictional groups, such as the Star Wars Fan Club or the Star Trek Fan Club.
  • Get a couple of tattoo's. Tribal armbands are unique, because not too many people have them. Avoid selecting cartoon character's such as Spongebob or Dora the Explorer, even if they are your favorite shows and you have all the episode's recorded on your DVR.
  • Commit a couple of small crimes, to build what is called a "rap sheet".
  • Gain, and build upon, relationships with people known as "dealers", who distribute and sell addictive chemicals, plants, or illegal pharmaceuticals.
  • Acting generally irresponsible is encouraged.

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So there you have it. Follow these instructions carefully, and you'll be on your way to being a bonafide badass. But don't use the term "bonafide", as it might ruin all of your hard work in this matter. Good luck, Mr Wannabe. Let me know how it turns out.

P.S. One more suggestion. Never take any advice seriously from a guy who, even at one low-point in his life, looked like this:

14 Comments:

moonspun said...

Woah! Whose the dude on the bottom with the big blue eyes and goatee? I am way to old to think he's cute, so I'll refrain from comment.
Very funny post...great advice for those willing to 'dare'. I almost never wear black, does that mean I have no hope of being a badass?

Sus said...

Does this also mean that one would have to refrain from World of Warcraft live action role play?

DAMN IT! And just when I got my new Nerf sword and shield!

GoteeMan said...

Hey, you got something good going on there, a man with a gotee can't be all bad....

:{>

J/

Lola said...

Are those your beautiful blue eyes, Badass? If so, you don't really look all that geeky.

As far as Google Annoyalytics goes, I tried to sign up, then I couldn't figure out where the hell to paste the code I copied and gave up.

Through SiteMeter, I have noticed that I get a ton of people from search engines. It's a riot to see how they find me. I've been planning a post about this for a while, so I'm just going to copy and paste this comment.

The best hits so far are: "Fucking dogs" from some freak in Asia, because I have been known to say and type those two words when referring to my dogs; "Big Ass Booty Mamas," which I have no idea how they found me since I've never typed those words and I'm so not a big ass booty mama; "Blowjob lips," which I do believe you played a part in that text getting carrried away.

Then there are tons of hits for my "Secret Diary of a Court Reporter," which are people I presume don't like being compared to call girls.

And if you ever want to bring search engine traffic to your site, just type in "Dooce" in one of your posts. I've gotten tons of hits through Google just by typing that one little word.

Needless to say, I have a huge bounce rate, as none of these poor fools found what they were looking for. I'm going to paste now, and I do believe I have my post for today almost complete. Thanks, Man.

Forever In School said...

The funniest term that people searched for and got to one of my posts in which I wrote about an event that happened in the skytrain was: "Having sex in the skytrain"

What kind of people have sex in the skytrain?! And what kind of person wants to know about it?!

BTW, you look very cute, in a geeky kind of way.

Heather said...

Awww maaaaan! Does this mean I have to get rid of my Runabout Access Keycard and my communicator pin? Crap.

Daddy Files said...

You look so familiar Bad Ass...

I think your picture is hanging in the post office. When you move do you have to go around to all of your neighbors homes and introduce yourself?

"Nine-year olds dude..."

Lil Sass said...

Dude, is your goatee photoshopp'ed in? WTF?

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: That is a picture of me, in a moment of extreme weirdness. You can wear other colors other than black and still be a badass, you just believe it makes you a badass.

Sus: Fuck the rules, that sounds like fun. When can I come over?

Goteeman: That's what I've heard. Makes me look older, at least.

Lola: Those are my eyes. I've had 'em since birth, too. I suppose I'm glad I don't get that many search engine hits, with terms like yours. I can help you with GA if you'd like.

FIS: I'm assuming the people that would want to have sex in a skytrain are those who don't experience nausea and vomiting from being high up off the ground. Nothing is more of a mood-killer than a mouthfull of your lover's vomit. (I'm totally blushing now.)

Heather: You don't have to get rid of it, but you might want to stop wearing them when you're out doing errands. People say things.

Daddy Files: Har har. I didn't think there was a subtle way to call someone a child molester... But you, my friend, have proved me wrong.

Lil Sass: Nope, but I know why you said that. For some reason, the flash reacted weird with the different color of (natural) highlights in my goatee. It does look a little fake, but it is 100% real.

Moonspun said...

Badass, honestly, as much as a bitch I can be sometimes. By nature I am actually pretty nice, so black or not, I've got no hope. I'll just keep worshippping at the altar of your badassness and live vicariously through reading your blog. :-)

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: I have an altar? Where?

Are you switching to Blogger?

Moonspun said...

Oh no, did you lose your altar? That's the tricky thing with virtual items. They tend to get lost.
Not switching per se. Click on my name, see the profile and then click on 'view my website' and see what happens...

Employee No. 3699 said...

Bwahaha. This post cracked me up. I laughed out loud at the SpongeBob/Dora tattoo part.

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: I'll try to put a tracking device on my altar when I come across it. I did click on your name and realized that one can get to your blog through it, I just wasn't sure if this was for an easier means to leave comments, or if you were planning a switch.

Employee No. 3699: Thanks! The Spongebob tattoo was a little shoutout to Heather (at KelticKaos). I had stated that I was thinking of getting another tatto, and she said that its a personal choice, but that I'd get a Spongebob tattoo if I loved her at all.

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