Monday, July 21, 2008

In Which I Write About Sex... In Verse

Mr Daddy Files, in response to my entry yesterday, asked to hear the story of how I lost my virginity. Since I lost all sense of pride and humility a long time ago , I will oblige his request.

Even though it makes me feel a little creepy.


Virginity, Where Art Thou?
A Story of Grand Accomplishments

My first time with sex was in college,
At the start of freshman year.
My girlfriend got "that look" in her eye,
And my eye's began to tear.

My nerves made my stomach churn.
Was I horny? Far, far from it.
I rushed down the hall to the bathroom,
As I was sure I was going to vomit.

"It's not that you're ugly!" I cried.
"I've just never done this before!"
Her smile disappeared as she left the room,
Making sure to slam the door.

"I guess, not tonight" I said to my crotch.
"There will be another time soon."
No sooner were those words out of my mouth
When my girlfriend re-entered the room.

She held in her hands a small plastic wrapper
With "Durex" on the label.
When I noticed that her other hand held some KY,
My knees suddenly felt less stable.

I'll let you imagine what events happened next,
I haven't the stomach, nor the words, to describe.
Suffice it to say it didn't last long
Which I expected, at least for my first time.

When I rolled on my back in a post-coital haze,
Exhausted and physically spent,
My girlfriend asked for an encore performance...
Let me tell you how that went.

Once everything was "up and running" again
(A better term? There is a lack),
For the second time in the same evening
I was part of a beast with two backs.

I thought everything was going well,
And I mistakenly quickened the pace.
Alas, it was over in thirty seconds flat,
And a frown crept over her face.

She withdrew from me, and I from her,
Disappointed, but what could I do?
She turned on her side, and that was it.
The night was clearly through.

And that, my friends, is the story
Of how my virginity was lost.
"Am I better at sex now", you ask?
You'll have to ask The Boss.


Daddy Files said...


And don't sweat the 30 seconds. That's a good long time. I'm like a professional bull rider. Eight seconds is my max!

Just count your lucky stars that's all that happened during your first time. My first time involved a redhead, the backseat of a 1983 Pontiac Parisienne and a naive 16-year-old boy who had no idea a guy needs to pre-heat the oven before he puts in the turkey.

There was much chafing and even more shame...

Heather said...

You talk to your crotch? What? Is that common among guys? Do you give it pep talks and stuff?

moonspun said...

Well at least it didn't stop you from trying again...and again and again...
My first time involved Saran Wrap instead of a condom. Ok, uh huh...yea it hurt a bit! And yes, I know how stupid and lame it sounds! :-)

Badass Geek said...

Daddy Files: Luckily for you, eight seconds of sex is long enough to produce a child. Otherwise, you might not have been made a father, with that kind of performance record.

Heather: Only on occaision, when it feels lonely.

Moonspun: That does sound painful. Resourceful, but painful.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm going to start talking to my crotch, too.

Heather said...

Ya'll are crazy!

Lola said...

Well, Badass, I don't know what to say other than I'm glad I lost my virginity to a much older man who knew exactly what to do and was no quick trigger virgin. Sorry, man.
The Boss is a better woman than I.

I'm sure you're a real bronco these days, so thanks for being man enough to tell that tale of woe.

Lil Sass said...

This was absolutely fabulous! Maybe we should start a thread? I'll totally go there ...

Aub said...

You talk to your crotch too!?!? Seriously though, this was a funny post, lol.

mumma boo said...

Note to self: Put down beverage before reading Badass Geek's blog. The monitor can't take another bath.

Badass Geek said...

Aunt Becky: Sometimes, a motivational speech does genitalia good.

Heather: Yes, I agree.

Lola: No need to apologize. I actually didn't lose my virginity to The Boss, and I realize I didn't make that clear in this post. And thanks for the vote of confidence, with the "bronco" statement.

Lil Sass: Go for it! Make it rhyme, though... It makes it a little bit funnier.

Aub: Thanks! Every now and then, my crotch gets a little down in the dumps. I like to cheer it up every once and a while.

Mumma Boo: I'll try to put a Monitor Protection Disclaimer ahead of the funny stuff next time. =)

GoteeMan said...

Well I must say, that's the first ballad of it's sort I have ever heard... kudos to you for braving it...


Badass Geek said...

Goteeman: At first I felt a little weird putting this story in here, but then I remembered my motto... "You can't laugh at other's if you can't laugh at yourself."

daria said...

Haha, lonely crotch. BUT NO MORE!!, right?
At first I was kind of jealous that your first experience got a whole ballad (as in, my first dude is way too douchy to create something as awesome as this), but then I thought that maybe my first is best kept buried deep in the archives of our minds. Actually, I don't even remember it that well; I must've blocked it out of my memory. Oh well.

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