Thursday, July 10, 2008

In Which I'm Amazed By My Own Stupidity

I need to preface this post by saying that in day-to-day life, I'm generally a pretty awkward person.

I stumble over my words, and even when I manage to pronounce my words clearly, it doesn't always make the most sense. I trip on my own feet at least once every fifteen paces, and I've been known to forget to zip up my fly. I don't realize that wearing a brown shirt and brown shorts together would probably make me look like a giant, walking (albeit clumsily) turd. Even on days when I seem to have most of my metaphorical shit together, I'll still come out with a brilliant statement such as, "Wow. Wal*Mart has a lot of shopping carts".

Lucky for me, I don't care much about any of this. I carry on in my life in a semi-permanent state of ignorant bliss. With all that said, I've seem to be afflicted by a rash of stupidity so severe, that I'm not entirely sure what to do. I thought it would go away after a few days, but its still present, and I'm beginning to get concerned. Here's why:

  • Asked for a quarter of a half-pound of smoked ham at the deli counter.
  • Put three letters in the mail without putting stamps on them, before getting in line to purchase stamps at the Post Office.
  • In reply to a cashier's statement of "Its pretty hot out there, huh?", I reply "No, its not that bad", and proceed to wipe away the river of sweat coursing down my face.
  • Completely forgetting to put on underwear before leaving the house.
  • Announced myself as a "mouth breather" instead of an "operator" with a customer at work, because I was reading something online while talking.
  • After noticing the rancid smell coming from the milk carton, deciding that it was still okay to drink from it. And then swallowing the mouthful of chunky milk instead of spitting it out.

I know these events aren't overly concerning, but I'm not normally so dense. Why deny the temperature outside when its obvious I'm sweating profusely? How could I possibly forget to put on underwear, when I've done it every single day for almost my entire life? Why ask for such a foolish measurement of deli meat when there is a much simpler way of asking for it? And why, Dear God why, did I think it would be okay to drink milk that smelled and looked like maggot soup? I've brushed my teeth six times, and I'm still having to ward off the bad taste with breath mints.

I hope this doesn't continue much further. I've been overloading myself on Sudoku puzzles to try to get my brain back in gear. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

Has anyone else done something stupid this week? If so, tell me about it. Misery loves company.


moonspun said...

Well, I have to say that I don't quite get the milk part...that's GROSS! Many years ago I was getting an airline ticket at the airport, as I'd gotten a free one. The lovely woman was about to put in my seat and asked where I'd like to sit. I said "As close to the plane as possible" completely omitting the all important "Front of" that needed to be inserted before 'plane' in the sentence. The woman politely blinked and I realized what I'd said. I simply joked saying "Actually I'd like to sit IN the plane, but as close to the FRONT as possible."
If it is any consolation, I trip over air all the time. Why is it always in my way? My new hubby says he loves my lack of grace, but it can have it's moments.

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: You probably would have had more leg and shoulder room on one of the wings of the plane.

Also, I think that there are rogue molecules of air that gang up on people... There is no other possible explanation.

Sus said...

I am pretty much blind without my glasses, so you would think I would be able to tell if I was wearing them or not, right? Well the other day I was running around the house like a maniac, shouting things like, "Fuck. Where the hell are my glasses?!"

Finally, my sweet husband says, as seriously as he can, "How well can you see me?"

Damn things had been on my face the entire time.

Son of a bitch.

that girl said...

Okay, here's mine:

* Gotten in the car and driven
off for work still wearing
house slippers

* Turned down a one-way bridge

* Told my husband "That would
make 11 dumbass!" Only to
rethink it a minute later and
realize that,no, in fact, it
would have made 10.

Badass Geek said...

Sus: I've done the exact same thing dozens of times. It's also a lot of fun to take my glasses off, and not see well enough to find where I put them afterwards.

That Girl: I wore my slippers to work by accident once, too. And it was so comfortable, I did it again the next day.

Heather said...

Mouth breather, that was funny. =D

Lola said...

Dude, stop wearing underwear! I never wear them, and neither does my son. Get rid of those things, and your mind will flow much better.

Stupid things I've done this week? Hmmm... Nope, nothing. I've had unusual clarity this week, but since it won't last, I'll keep you informed.

Dom and Mikky said...

Mum asked to run down to the shop and grab a lettuce...
came back with a cabbage. Damn, they look the same.

Lil Sass said...

DRANK CURDLED MILK???? I don't think I'll ever 'look' at you the same. I mean, now you're a mouth breather with chunky milk breath. Gaahhroooosssss!! I can't think of anything utterly ridic that I've done this week (other than stay up until 4am) Uuggggghhhh

Badass Geek said...

Heather: I guess, technically we're all mouth breathers. Especially when getting involved in a fight in a grocery store parking lot.

Lola: I don't think I could manage to get through a day without serious "down there" injury, if I didn't wear underwear. Its not only for support... Its for protection.

Dom & Mikky: Take it from me... Things that might look the same don't always taste the same.

Lil Sass: It wasn't on purpose! If it makes to "look" at me in a better light, I've learned my lesson... The bad milk made me horribly sick.

moonspun said...

I love the slippers visual! I get to wear comfy mary jane crocs to work, so slippers don't seem so far off. I also have a foot massager at my desk so I can slip off my shoes and rub my feet on it as I type. It's luxurious...and I've as yet (though there's time and opportunity to) do anything stupid with it.
Lola, I read your blog and LOVE IT, but can't comment as I don't have an Open ID or a blogger account!!

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