Monday, August 18, 2008

In Which I Have An Idea

I thought of something the other day. Something that I think could greatly improve the quality of life for most of us within the United States.

We all have dealt with what we call "Stupid People". We hate Stupid People because they interfere too much with our daily lives. Like the guy who cuts you off in traffic and suddenly decides to drive 15 miles-per-hour under the speed limit. Or the person in line at the express checkout that has 17 coupons, and forgets to grab one of the items that is on sale and makes an associate go get it. Or the person who makes you late for an appointment by taking 13 minutes to make a withdrawal at the drive-thru ATM. All of these people have an impact on our sanity, thus a direct impact on our relative health.

I have noticed that there has been an outbreak of Stupid People lately. They are spreading to the far reaches of the country, causing unnecessary aggravation and stress everywhere you turn. They have infected your place of work, your daily commute, your coffee shop. They've spread their filth at the grocery store, at the doctor's office, and at the gym. They may have even entered your home by means of the telephone. This kind of behavior should not be tolerated, and something must be done before it is too late.

What can be done, you ask?

To help combat this raging epidemic of stupidity, I propose that we enact the following:


Under the guidelines of this Act, all citizens of the US would have to pass a carefully constructed intelligence test by the age of 21. Individuals over the age of 21 at the time of enforcement would have one year to take the exam. Persons over the age for 65 are exempt. Failure to take or pass the exam would result in removal from society and placement in a training compound, where individuals would have the opportunity to study and prepare for the exam. Those who fail the test will be granted two additional attempts at passing, and three failed attempts would result in permanent exile.

Passing the Expected Intelligence Exam would ensure that each citizen possesses knowledge of proper human interaction, and would provide a standardized base level of intelligence among citizens. This would lower and/or eliminate the presence of many problems that face the country today, such as crime/murder rates, motor vehicle accidents, and one could also hope to see a decrease in health-related issues such as high blood pressure or anxiety.

The Exam would have two sections, one each for General Education and Human Interaction. Passing the General Education portion of the exam would require knowledge of routine and fundamental elements of the subjects taught in all public or private school systems, including (but not limited to):
  • Proper communication of the English language, in both written and verbal situations,
  • Proficiency in mathematics of at least an 8th grade level,
  • Knowledge of how to read an analog clock,
  • Knowledge of recent United States history,
  • Proficiency in the usage of computers.

The Human Interaction portion of the exam would require the individual to possess and display their abilities of proper human interaction, including (but not limited to):

  • Proper traffic etiquette, in both vehicular and pedestrian situations,
  • Efficiency and accuracy when receiving orders or requests,
  • Knowledge of basic health and personal care,
  • Ability to treat others with respect, regardless of social or economic status,
  • Possession of Common Sense.

Although there are allowances for those with decreased mental function due to age or other ailments, individuals who pass the Exam are expected to maintain their level of intelligence. Any violations would result in temporary extraction and an immediate review by a jury of peers. Depending upon the outcome of the review, the individual would either be placed back into society or into their local training compound where they would be required to retake the Exam.

Intelligence Enforcement Officers would be present in most communities to assist with the success of the program, and free educational resources would be available in each state for those looking to prepare for the Exam, or those looking to further their intelligence.

A detailed proposal of this Act is in the process of being drafted, and will soon be ready for presentation to state and government officials. With enough support, this program could change the otherwise pessimistic morale of this country.

All those in favor, say "Aye".


If you thought that I was serious about any of this, raise your right hand, form it into a fist, and punch yourself in the face. This is, of course, a joke. While this might be a good idea in theory, it would never work. Like you, I'm tired of dealing with Stupid People, and wish there was something to be done about it. Until a more practical solution is found, I guess we can continue complaining about them.


Moonspun said...

I am SO with you on this. While a patient person by nature, I've relative little patience with stupid people. I think you are going to have trouble with one thing...Common Sense. It's not very common at all!

scatterbrain said...

Finally, someone who understands my pain!

And I am in pain, I just had to punch myself in the face.

At least they give us something to rant about on our blogs eh? - he-hee!

We used to have a cult T.V. series over here in the UK called "Blackadder" in which the main character told his peasant minion:- "Your brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit."....which about covers some people I regularly have to contend with. Sheesh!

Heather said...

I had a similar idea, only it involved culling only the men and making them all live in underground bunkers, where they are available for sperm extraction or conjugal visits only.

Sus said...

Um, hi Hitler. How's it going? :P.

I am picturing you saying this in a loud, boisterous voice, pounding your fists on your podium. Kind of like Dwight's speech when receiving his award for Saleman of the Year!

Could you imagine the outrage if people thought you were actually serious?! Ha!

Lola said...

How about I take my right hand, ball it into a fist and punch the stupid people instead?

I think you're onto something, here, Badass. Just think, if we had that test, George Bush would NEVER have been able to bring our country to its knees and make me scream every time I hear him say "nucular". said...

Where do the Stupid People go? Are there visiting hours? Uh, not that I'd be visiting anyone...

Employee No. 3699 said...


Forever In School said...

Then we would have to build cities for the stupid people to live in, because as you can imagine, there is going to be a lot of them!!

Miss Grace said...

Of course, you'll always have to make exceptions for people who weren't given the opportunity to NOT be stupid.
And what about con artists and what not who can pass the test but have no intention of making good on their promises. Do you have the ability revoke citizen status?

Jess said...

How about we all agree to agree that we dislike much of those that we come into contact with on a regular basis. Not those who we CHOOSE to come into contact with, but those for which we have no choice.

I feel better already. Like a kindred spirit, yes?

enthalpymama said...

I fear it conflicts with the "no adult left behind act."

Meg said...

Amen, sista.

Daddy Files said...

I'd like to add the following:

"Must learn how to properly navigate a rotary (ie traffic circle or roundabout) if one is to drive anywhere in New England."

If I have one more near death experience because some moron with New Jersey license plates decides to enter the rotary willy-nilly I'm going to explode.

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: You're right. We should come up with another name for "Common Sense". Something like... "Sense That Only 45% Of Americans Have". Doesn't have the same ring to it.

Scatterbrain: Stupid people are good for providing blog material, yes. Hopefully you didn't punch yourself too hard.

Heather: That doesn't sound too bad. So long as I got fed regularly.

Sus: I wasn't going to put the disclaimer in originally. When I realized that I didn't write the post openly as a joke, I decided I'd better.

Lola: Punching stupid people might also work. It'd be much easier, at least.

SWAX: The Stupid People would go to a jail-like facility. There would be visiting hours, conjugal visits, etc.

Employee No 3699: Amen, indeed.

FIS: There would be a large amount of them, yes, but it would free up space in our cities and towns. Imagine the impact on traffic!

Miss Grace: Citizen status can be revoked. It would involve a highly complex sting operation.

Jess: I can agree with that.

Enthalpy Mama: I was afraid of that, too. Oh well.

Meg: Sista? I'm a brotha.

Daddy Files: There would be a large focus on proper rotary navigation in the Traffic part of the exam. I've had some scary experiences on a rotary's myself, so I'm with you on that one.

Majid Ali said...

Relieved that his situation is common, Adam visits Patrick, an education services officer He learns loan repayment options can be complicated, and that deferments or forbearance are not the best options.

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