Friday, August 22, 2008

In Which I Make Fun

Not all that long ago, I off-handedly made fun of a guy who came by here through a Google search of "how to be a badass". I had written in that post that I don't get all that many hits via search engines that are worth mentioning. That statement remained true until today, when I checked my stat manager and found a couple of noteworthy search strings.

Some of them are too good to not write about, and since I can't think of anything else better to write about today, I'll mention a few and see what I can do to help them out. It also will give me the chance to publicly make fun of them.

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1) "high on clonazepem"
Ah, yes. Thank you for stopping by, pharmaceutical abuser. You were probably looking for ways to achieve your needed high by using the drug clonazepem. You won't find instructions on that here, which I'm sure you found out rather quickly. Now, I wouldn't know this from personal experience, but I've heard that you can achieve a high from clonazepem by grinding them into a powder and snorting it, or by injecting it if you can get it into a liquid form. You might want to ask your dealer first, but I can also suggest swallowing 37 pills with a liter of bottom-shelf vodka. Let me know how that works out for you.

2) "room fogger how to"
I'll start off by saying that I'm assuming you are at least quasi-literate, since you came here by doing an Internet search, intending to read about "how to" use a room fogger. I'll then say that I am slightly puzzled as to why you needed to do an Internet search to learn how to use them, as the instructions on both the box and the fogger itself are very simple and concise. Shake can, point away from face, press down locking tab, exit room immediately. There is something to be said about making sure you're doing things correctly, but I think you're a little over cautious here. Then again, perhaps you're looking for more direction, already having used the fogger incorrectly. That could explain your mental deficit.

3) "smoke cigar like a badass"
Step One, soak cigar overnight in lighter fluid. Step Two, shake off excess fluid and insert into mouth. Step Three, light cigar. Step Four, inhale deeply. Does that help?

4) "my nose" "husband farted"
I'm completely and utterly confused by this one. It is just too strange to not mention. But thank you for stopping by and reading just about all of my archives. Does anyone have any ideas on this one? I'm at a loss.

5) "bad ass fountains for desk"
Prior to reading this on my search engine hit report, I would never have thought to apply the term "badass" to a fountain. I can't imagine that the poor soul looking for a fountain for their desk found one that was indeed badass. I can't even imagine what a badass fountain would look like, if there even is such a thing. It would probably spouts flames instead of water, be made out of steel and carbon fiber instead of porcelain, and would have the likeness of Gene Simmons sculpted into it instead of cherubs or dolphins.

6) "what happens if take 12 clonazepem"
I'm just taking a shot in the dark on this one, but you'd probably either achieve a chemically-induced high (like the guy mentioned above was looking for), or you'd achieve a chemically-induced untimely death. Always ask your doctor before taking twelve times the recommended dose of a highly addictive sedative.

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There have got to be other funny or otherwise odd or interesting search hits out there. I urge you all that have SiteMeter or Google Analytics to gather up your most interesting search hits and write about them. Or at least mention them in a comment here, because I get a huge kick out of stuff like this.

16 Comments:

Heather said...

You should see the ones I have about the "squirts" panties, and stinky smelly panties, because of the Alli post.

Moonspun said...

Personally I think the badass fountain might be in the shape of the ass and the water would come out of...oh...never mind. If it was a pencil holder then the pencils would be stuck in...oh...never mind that either. Like the visuals? :-)

scatterbrain said...

I've never bothered with stats-site meters. This will have to change after reading this post - don't want to miss out on opportunities for laughs:-D Hours of endless fun!

Meg said...

Those are awesome. Mine really haven't been too exciting but they are still nonetheless.

attiton said...

I'm with moonspun. I don't think that one googler was looking for a "badass" fountain...I think it was a "bad ass fountain." Like an inexpertly created fountain in the shape of an ass. So, not only was the search silly, the searcher wasn't going to find any information on that here.

Unless there's something you're not telling us.

Badass Geek said...

Heather: That is both hilarious and disgusting.

Moonspun: Those visuals will plague my dreams now. Thank you. =)

Scatterbrain: If you're going to get a stat-manager, I would recommend Google Analytics. It's awesome.

Meg: I'm sure if you posted more pictures of you making out with other girls, you'd get some interesting search hits.

Attiton: I see what you're getting at. But even then, someone searching for a poorly designed fountain shaped like an ass is still something to laugh about.

Miss Grace said...

I get a ton on "Sprint retentions" and "Sprint sucks" and "canceling Sprint contract" which has to do with the fact that I HATE SPRINT AND I CANCELED MY CONTRACT, but those aren't funny.
My favorite right now is "I am a fourteen year old boy." Because, um, what?

Aunt Becky said...

I'll spare you the truly disgusting ones, and give you the tamer ones.

6 people for "alcohol burns hotter than gas"

3 for "the more you ignore women the more they love you"

3 for "should you ignore a guys call in the begining?"

Hot, just hot.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Most of mine are because of my drink recipes. I have gotten a few for 'asparagus gas'.

Badass Geek said...

Miss Grace: That search string is puzzling in both its origin, and the fact that it brought him to your site.

Aunt Becky: I'll have to try the "ignoring women" thing with my wife, to see if it really works.

Employee No 3699: Asparagus gas is the worst! The Boss LOVES asparagus, too.

enthalpymama said...

Hmm. I'm going to have to check this out. I only just got feedburner working. Let me report back. Maybe someone was looking for a cake on fire, who knows?

As for your #4, I recommend finding something that causes them to have respiratory allergies, maybe a really nasty cat. Really, it works better than Febreze when managing smells. Glad I could help.

Heather said...

Man, now I am going to be afraid to do searches for crazy stuff because somewhere on some random blog, people are probably making fun of my search terms. LMAO

Badass Geek said...

Enthalpy Mama: That is a good suggestion. I'll have to try it the next time The Boss eats broccoli.

Heather: Live in fear. FEAR.

Lola said...

Well, I have already sent you my first top five nasty ones, so let me see. I don't think I told you about "Father Son Fucked Mother" from India or "Old Fat Mama Sex with Young Boys" from Iowa.

Now, I'm not going to say that my blog is for the prudes out there, but I know I NEVER typed any combination of those words. Freaks!

LilSass said...

Thanks to my recent post about the losing of my virginity, I have recently gotten a lot of traffic from people searching "i got my cherry popped". And someone searched "popped my sisters cherry". Aaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!

Badass Geek said...

Lola: What else is there to do in Iowa?

Lil Sass: You had to know it was coming. One of these days I'm going to post something with a lot of crazy peverted words in it, just to see the hits that I can get from it.

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