Friday, August 15, 2008

In Which I Panic

The insistent beeping of my alarm clock cuts through the haze and savagely yanks me out of sleep like a dog being pulling unwillingly down the sidewalk by his leash. A slice of the morning sunrise that sneaked around the curtain is laying across my face, burning hot on my closed eyelids. My tongue is thick and dry inside my mouth, and as I slide my legs out of bed and sit up, my bladder quickly decides the first order of business. I pick up a pair of wrinkled gym shorts from the floor next to my nightstand and put them on, and pull a shirt over my head. Absently itching the side of my face, I trudge to the bathroom.

The toilet seat makes a dull clanking sound against the lid of the toilet. With one hand occupied with the task of ensuring that all urine makes it into the toilet bowl, I reach up with my other hand to scratch at my face again. After the itching subsides, I flush the toilet and almost forget to put the lid down. After the last incident, you'd think I'd remember.

The itching on my face starts again as I approach the sink to wash my hands. I ignore it, and soap up. When the itching persists and starts to become almost painful, I quickly rinse off my hands and look up into the mirror over the sink. My eyes slowly focus on the image being reflected back at me.

My face is completely covered in fleas. My skin, once a smooth, even shade of white, is now crawling with these tiny black insects, crawling about in the thick hair of my goatee and mustache, and making their way towards my sideburns. Anxiety sets in after a few moments when I realize that there are fleas crawling up my nose and into my ears.

Small red welts are beginning to show up and swell as I attempt to brush the fleas off, my hands moving about my face at a furious rate. The fleas seem to double in size and quantity, and I cry out in anguish and terror as-


My hand slams down on the snooze button of my alarm clock.

I sit up sharply in bed, and reach up to my face.


It was a dream. It was just a dream.

Thank GOD.


I've got to stop drinking Kool-Aid before going to bed. The sugar is giving me some fucked up dreams.

Anyone else have the creepy-crawlies now?


Sus said...

"Creepie crawlies" doesn't do justice to the ripple of disgust that just coursed through my veins. So glad that was just a dream!

Miss Grace said...

That was....horrible. Good morning to you too.

Lola said...

If that had been reality, I was going to jump in my car and drive to Maine and set that place ablaze!

No creepie crawlies for me. My big dream was about pumpkins. I was out shopping and saw pumpkins, and I got so damned excited that I woke up on a mission to find me some pumpkins. Fall, glorious fall is on my mind.

scatterbrain said...

When I had a dog, it was usually ME being pulled unwillingly down the road.

Stop cutting the cheese BAG! But there again, I suppose it helps keep the fleas away.

Ohh! My head is itching now – darn you!

Badass Geek said...

Sus: That makes two of us! It was a horrible, HORRIBLE dream.

Miss Grace: Wakey-wakey!

Lola: If that was a true story, I first would have skinned my face down to the bone, and then set my apartment on fire. Also, I love Fall, too.

Scatterbrain: I can't help it sometimes!

Aub said...

For a second, I was seriously gonna start a "Save Badass" fund drive to get you and the Boss out of that apartment and into a new one. I'm actually kinda glad I just have bad dreams about falling/drowning.

'That Girl' said...

Good..I was about to UPS you some Advantage.

side note: I did NOT picture you w/ facial

Badass Geek said...

Aub: I cherish the "falling" dreams. I wish I had those instead of these.

That Girl: Oh, the flea problem is long gone. I guess this is just my subconcious working its fears out after the fact.

GoteeMan said...

Aw, I hate dreaming crap like that... wish I could call the dream exterminators for ya...


Lil Sass said...

I HATE YOU! I just made the "home alone" face slap and went "hhuuhhh" as the fleas came back and you're fucking with us. Well, at least now I know you sleep naked

Employee No. 3699 said...

I usually hate the sound of my alram going off, but in a case like this it would be a welcome sound.

Have a great weekend.

Oh yeah, it's nice to know that you are one of the few who lift the seat...then put it back down.

Badass Geek said...

Goteeman: Oh, the flea problem is long gone. It is just my subconcious trying to make my life shorter by scaring the piss out of me.

Lil Sass: I don't sleep naked, actually, but close enough. I'm the most comfortable in just my boxers. Although there have been times where I've woken up named... Strange.

Employee No 3699: It was a welcome sound, indeed. And about the toilet seat thing, I grew up in a family with three girls. If I didn't put the seat down, it was all I ever heard about.

Moonspun said...

Oh my god! What a terrible dream and you just made it an experience for us all. I caught my breath and hot hubby sitting next to me said "What?" and looked over.
We've been watching alot of Law and Order: Special Victims unit and there is plenty of fodder in each episode for creepiness.
Though on the bug side, outside our bedroom window, (but on the OTHER side of the screen)I noticed no less than 10 spider webs. They were amazing looking actually in the light. But if I thought about them too much, they could give me the creepies.

enthalpymama said...

I'm all itchy over here.

Jess said...

Thought maybe that would be the last post I read tonight. Suffice to say I am going to be up for a while - washing my sheets. Just in case.

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: That dream probably ranks up on the list of my Top 5 Nightmares. It was BAD.

Enthalpy Mama: I got all itchy writing this post, with "phantom fleas".

Jess: Hope you got enough rest after a night full of laundry!

Heather said...

Oh yeah, because we were at a friend's house who has a flea problem in her basement. She said she had it under control, but while we were there, her kids were doing something down there, and they came up and said they couldn't stay down there because the fleas were eating them up. I just looked at her. WTF?

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