Friday, August 29, 2008

In Which I Wish I Knew

Throughout my life thus far, I have experienced many things that I wish I had known more about before having to experience them. Knowing more would have saved me a fair amount of embarrassment, but they say hindsight is 20/20.


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THINGS I WISH I KNEW

  • I wish I knew that I was going to have a cute female nurse do the prep work for my hernia exam, so I wouldn't be standing there, boxers around my ankles with a half-boner, when two male doctors walk in.
  • I wish I knew that my new khaki shorts clearly showed the presence of the slightest amount of sweat prior to wearing them to work and spending six hours mowing the lawn, so it wouldn't look like I crapped AND pissed myself for the rest of my shift.
  • I wish I knew that the bathroom window shade was wide open before standing naked at the sink for ten minutes shaving my face after getting out of the shower, so I wouldn't turn around to see my 87-year-old female neighbor sitting on her porch watching me.
  • I wish I knew that I had the world's largest pimple on my upper lip prior to trying to impress the girl I had a crush on at band practice when I was a freshman in high school.
  • I wish I knew that there was someone walking behind me in the parking lot of the grocery store before I released the longest, loudest, and possibly smelliest fart of my life.

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Please tell me I'm not the only one. Has anyone else wished they had known something that could have saved them embarrassment and years of anguish?

(Oh, and happy Friday, everyone! Enjoy your weekend!)

17 Comments:

Cape Cod Gal said...

I wish I knew that my feet were smelly when I took my shoes off under my desk the other day. I didn't notice until the damage was done. I jammed my feet back into my shoes, but my office still smelled like sweaty feet for an hour.

Daddy Files said...

I wish I knew that I had a penchant for sleepwalking when I was 13 years old. Maybe then I could've strapped myself to my bed instead of walking around my house naked in front of my mom and my reverend's wife who was visiting!

Moonspun said...

LOL! Great post, I laughed aloud several times.

Last fall I wish I'd known that when your dog gets skunked and you bathe themm, you essentially get skunked, too. I went to work the next day and had no idea I had a vapor of skunk smell aound me. I'll never forget the president of the college walking by my office and hearing "does anyone else smell that skunk smell?" !!!!

Miss Grace said...

Mainly I just wish I knew that my life was going come together and work out.

Great post!

scatterbrain said...

You-are-not-alone. I'm not elaborating. Suffice to say I've made an embarrassing fool of myself in so many ways it'd take the entire weekend to relate.

Thanks for the giggles...and hope your weekend is wonderful.

Anonymous said...

I wish I knew how to tell my spouse that I blog.

Lola said...

I wish I had known how fat my ass looks in the new dress I bought on vacation. Never trust the saleswoman looking to make a sale!

Badass Geek said...

Cape Cod Gal: Hopefully no one figured out it was you!

Daddy Files: I hope you weren't "choking the Bishop", if you know what I mean.

Moonspun: How awful! My parents have skunks that live under their barn. They say they get used to the smell. I don't know how that is possible.

Miss Grace: I wish I knew that for myself, too.

Scatterbrain: I hope you'll elaborate some more in a post. You've piqued my interest!

Anonymous: Ah, yes. I had a hard time figuring out how to tell my wife about mine. Maybe try bringing up the subject of blogs and/or bloggers that you follow, how interesting it is, etc. And then throw in there that you had started one for yourself. That's what I did, and it worked well.

Lola: I'll only trust my wife for fashion advice, because she has to be okay with how I look to be seen in public with me.

Aunt Becky said...

I wish I knew LOTS of things. Like that my 7 year old had used the toilet seat to wipe his ass BEFORE I sat down on it.

Jen W said...

I wish I knew that the pen would explode in my mouth and turn my teeth black when I was chewing on it trying to be all sexy and cool in front of my math teacher sophomore year.

Badass Geek said...

Aunt Becky: That must have been a pleasant experience.

Jen W: Now thats hot.

Kim said...

I wish I knew that static cling had caused the one pair of black panties that I owned to stay inside the leg of my pants, before I went into a posh store and they fell onto the floor.

I laughed as hard as anyone else, when the lady who worked there walked over, picked them up on the end of her finely manicured talons and asked, "Who lost their underwear?"

I laughed until I recognized them.

That is all.

scatterbrain said...

Just popping by to wish you and The Boss "bon fromage" on your imminent jaunt next week. Hope you have a really great time.

Also, just in case you forgot, you promised a li'l something to keep us from getting withdrawal symptoms in your absence:-D

Posh Totty said...

I wish I knew why I always feel so guilty laughing out loud about someone elses embressments lol :oP

Badass Geek said...

Kim: I hate it when I lose my underwear. Thanks for stopping by! Where you do blog?

Scatterbrain: I haven't forgot about the surprise, don't you worry. I'm not going on vacation until this coming Thursday.

Posh Totty: Don't feel guilty. If it wasn't okay to laugh at me, I wouldn't write about it. =)

Employee No. 3699 said...

I wish I knew that my current job would entail dealing with majorly annoying co-workers before I decided to leave my old one.

Badass Geek said...

Employee No 3699: I feel your pain. If I had known the depth of the stupidity of the people I had to deal with at my current job, I wouldn't have left my old job, either.

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