Friday, September 12, 2008

In Which I Expose Myself

Out of decency, you'd tell a friend when they have food stuck in their teeth, right?

You'd tell your co-worker if her slip was showing or if his fly was unzipped, right?

You do these things to help out our fellow man (or woman) because you'd want them to do the same for you in that situation. It's a version of the Golden Rule, and it's the basic foundation of all human interaction.

With all that said, I ask you why... Why did no one in my family tell me that my newly purchased bathing suit became transparent when wet?

I remember the exact moment. I was with my sisters and my mother at my grandparents house, cooling off in their huge in-ground pool. I was waiting to jump off the diving board when a light breeze came up. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and looked down at my feet. I then noticed that my grey bathing suit had a slightly darker area in the crotch region. I bent over slightly for further examination, and realized in horror that the darker region was my pubic hair. My pubic hair and Michael Jr, hanging out for all to see behind a very thin, very transparent sheet of grey nylon fabric.

I quickly lowered my arms to cover myself with my hands, and ran inside to change. When I came back outside, I was obviously upset.

I was not upset at the fact that no one told me about it at first.

I was upset at the fact that no one told me that I was flashing everyone for four years.

FOUR YEARS, people.

That is dozens upon dozens of times of getting in and out of the pool, giving everyone around a glance at the Family Jewels each time. Numerous conversations with family members and friends where I wondered why their eyes were strangely averted upwards. And yes, a few occasions where I had strutted My Stuff through the lobby and hallways of various hotels while on vacation.

I'm not sure why my family didn't tell me about it. It is not like they didn't notice. They HAD to have noticed it. I know I would have said something about it had it happened to someone else. Seeing the genitals of my family members is Number One on my "Things I Will Stab My Eyes Out For If I Ever Unwillingly See" list*.

Unfortunately, and for reasons unknown to me, my family decided not to tell me about it. Whenever the subject comes up and I ask why they never told me, all they do is laugh and avoid the question. Perhaps it is partially my fault, as it was probably a bad decision to select a bathing suit from a clearance rack where there are dozens of pairs just like it. That might indicate a problem with the product. Being a cheap bastard, though, I'm a sucker for clearance items. I should know better by now.

I'm trying not to hold a grudge against my family for this. Embarrassing as it was, I've learned to laugh about it now. I'm no longer upset about it, but I have warned them that when the right time comes, payback is a bitch.

*A few of the other items on the list are "Beautician and The Beast", any image of even a partially naked Sarah Jessica Parker, and gay porn. I wonder what kind of perverted search hits I'm going to get now.


Sus said...

That is hilarious! I can't believe they managed to keep quiet for FOUR YEARS!! My family would have been all over that.

Moonspun said...

holy moly, batman! FOUR YEARS! That's a long time for Michael Jr. to be sporting his stuff. Yet it's oddly Badass, wouldn't you say?
Of course the evil part of me had to ask how come it took YOU four years no notice it as well?
As far as the gay porn, are you talking about two men? I saw some in Key West once in a bar. Well, it didn't make me stab my eyes out, but it did make me wonder a bit about what turns other people on.

Heather said...

Dang that's hilarious. I just don't know how YOU managed not to notice it yourself for 4 years.
I can't stand SJP either, she's GEEEROOOOSSSS.

Hey do you know what's up with DeeDee? Her blog is private now or something.

Cape Cod Gal said...

That is awesome! I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut for four minutes nevermind 4 years!

Miss Grace said...

Maybe it wasn't actually four years. Perhaps at first the bathing suit was opaque, but as time wore on, the fabric wore thin. Maybe it was only like one year.

Jen W said...

First of all, I can totally empathize with you because this summer, I unknowingly flashed men and children at a public pool when my bathing suit top flipped up. It is sooo embarrassing!

But on the other hand, I can see why your family didn't tell you. It is a sick sense of pleasure that I unfortunately know too well. When I was in college, a friend of mine had these super tight pants that gave her the worst case of camel toe. A bunch of us told her those pants looked great on her just so we could laugh about it all night when we would go out. I know, evil right??? Oy.

Employee No. 3699 said...

They couldn't tell you. It would have ruined their inside joke!

So, are you plotting your revenge?

Badass Geek said...

Sus: I'm sure it was funny to them, but I would think at some point it would cease being funny. Guess not.

Moonspun: Slightly badass, I'll agree. And yes, when I said "gay porn", I meant two men. I had absolutely no desire to see that. I probably would stab my eyes out, but I definately wouldn't want to see it.

Heather: I guess I never thought to look down there to check. I guess I mean I shouldn't have to, right? SJP makes me want to vomit. I'm not sure what happened to DeeDee... She hasn't updated in a while.

Cape Cod Gal: It's good to know that your friends wouldn't have four years of embarassing memories. =)

Miss Grace: No, when questioning my family they said it was transparent the entire time.

Jen W: There is a time and place for sick jokes like that. It's just pain MEAN, though, to let it go on for FOUR YEARS.

Employee No 3699: Revenge? Hell, YES. I'm just waiting for the right moment.

Daddy Files said...

Jeez man, put the horse back in the barn will ya??

Family reunions, were just exposing yourself everywhere. I hope I don't see your face on one of the "bad posters" at the post office!

Fprever In School said...

It was hilarious! I read your post in class and I couldn't stop laughing.
4 years!?

Lola said...

If I was your sister, you would have known, because I would have been laughing hysterically and pointing at your crotch!

Badass Geek said...

Daddy Files: I always tear them down before too many people see them.

FIS: Yes, four whole years. I still hang my head a little bit.

Lola: I would expect at least that from you. You would have made an awesome sister. said...

DUDE! That is comedy. I thought getting out of the pool with a nipple hanging out was bad.

scatterbrain said...

Really funny! But a bit cruel to leave it for 4 years.

Were they getting their revenge on you perhaps? I'm just saying, judging by some items relating to your own humour in the post prior to this one.

Still, I agree, four years is a bit over-long.

Badass Geek said...

SWAX: Apparently, good ol' fashioned full frontal nudity tops a nipple slip.

Scatterbrain: I'm not sure if they were seeking their revenge, but if so? I would think one year with a clear bathing suit would have sufficed.

Aunt Becky said...

I am honestly laughing. And after a day like today, that's huge.

Same thing happened to me, but only once: silver bathing suit + water = pubes + nipps = hott.

Robin said...

You wore the same swim suit for four years that you bought off of the clearance rack?!?!! I have read all of your blog, but you must be an engineer.

LOL, there are probably pictures too!

Badass Geek said...

Aunt Becky: Glad I could help, but I'm sure you looked better in your transparent experience than I did.

Robin: An engineer? No. I'm just a cheap bastard. As far as pictures go, I'm sure there are, but I haven't seen any. Thanks for stopping by and reading!

Gloria Ives said...

You are definitely one badass geek, and a funny one.
I like the "in Which'isms... reminds me of Winnie the Pooh, who was one badass bear himself.

Badass Geek said...

Gloria: Winnie the Pooh was pretty badass. If only he were real, I'd have another friend. Thanks for commenting, come back soon!

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