***DISCLAIMER: If you find talk about sex and other bedroom-related topics offensive, skip this post.***
I spent a good portion of the day yesterday away from home. The Boss and I had to drop her car off at the garage for some repairs in the morning, and I hung out in town to avoid wasting gas driving home, only to drive back to pick her up. To help stave off the boredom, I brought a book, my iPod, and my laptop.
I settled into a corner booth in a coffee shop nearby where The Boss works. I setup my laptop, hopped on the free wi-fi, and got caught up on all the new posts and comments that I missed during my birthday weekend. I strategically chose where I sat so no one could see my laptop screen, and so I could people-watch if I so desired. Throughout the day there were varying amounts of people in the shop, but most of them didn't stray too far into the seating area to be near where I was, and I was able to do my work (read: browse Craigslist) in relative peace and quiet. Until THEY came.
THEY were a pair of attractive women, presumably in their late-twenties or early-thirties. Slim figured, fashionably dressed in their cleavage-enhancing blouses, pinstriped work slacks, and ankle-breakingly-high heels. They walked in talking loudly, ordered their obscenely large cups of coffee, and took a seat in the booth that adjoined with mine.
I was, at first, put out. At the time I was trying to concentrate on the new blog post I was working on, and didn't want to be distracted. No problem, I thought. They'll drink their coffee, have their Girl Talk, and be gone before too long. I'll just try my hardest to ignore them.
Not being able to see them over the high back of the booth, I figured it wouldn't be too hard to block them out. However, with their loud voices they proved to be very hard to ignore. After a while, the conversation became hilarious (to me, at least), so I stopped trying to ignore it so I could document it here. It's not eavesdropping if the conversation is loud enough for anyone to hear, right? Let me detail, almost verbatim, an excerpt of their conversation:
Girl One: So, how are things going with the boyfriend?
Girl Two: Things are going well. He's been really fucking horny lately. (slurp of coffee) We had a quickie this morning, and it made me late for work. Wasn't even that great.
Girl One: Is he good other times, at least?
Girl Two: Sometimes. He doesn't have much to work with, if you know what I mean, but he sure tries. But seriously? It's like he has ADHD sometimes. He's doin' one thing for a little while, and then he'll switch to something else, and then it's back to the first thing.
Girl One: Oh, mine does that, too. I'll be almost there, and he'll stop to change positions for just long enough for me to lose it. (slurp of coffee) But he's huge, so when he starts back up, I'll come in no time.
Girl Two: I wish mine was huge. I tell him it's a good size, but my ex's was much bigger. I think he knows that, but at least he's good at oral. He can't get enough of that, and you won't hear me complain.
Girl One: Oh, god. Mine is horrible at oral. Fucking terrible. It's like he's licking a fucking ice cream cone. I don't know where he learned, but damn. I've tried giving him pointers, but he seems to think his way is better.
Girl Two: *laughs* Jeff wanted me to try deep-throating the other night. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I can't deep throat something that's only four inches long.
Girl One: Four inches? That is small.
Girl Two: I know, right?
Girl One: I tried deep-throating once. Nearly threw up on him. It wasn't very sexy.
Girl Two: I don't see what guys find appealing in that gagging sound.
Girl One: Me, neither. Has yours asked you for anal yet?
Girl Two: No. And he ain't gettin' it, either. Nothing is ever going in there. EXIT ONLY.
Girl One: *laughs* I know, right? Paul asked for it once a few weeks ago. I'd be willing to try it once, if he weren't so huge. I'm scared that I'd get stretched out and not be able to hold my shit in.
Girl Two: Wouldn't have that problem with mine.
Girl One: (slurps coffee)
Girl Two: (slurps coffee)
Girl One: That sucks.
Girl Two: Yeah. It kinda does.
Girl One: Do you think you'll be with him for a while?
Girl Two: I dunno. He's sweet and all, but goddamn, I need a good fuck. There is this guy at work that I've heard is amazing from one of my co-workers. I might try him out.
Girl One: "Try him out"? You mustn't like Jeff that much to be so willing to cheat on him.
Girl Two: Yeah, I know. I feel kinda bad about it, but if you hadn't orgasmed from anything but oral in three months, you'd probably feel the same way.
Girl One: (chokes on coffee) Three months? Damn, girl! You need to get laid!
At this point in the conversation, I can't stifle my laughter any longer. I choke on a laugh that is threatening to escape, and cough loudly a few times. Their conversation stops.
Girl One: (whispering) Did you know there was anyone else back here?
Girl Two: (whispering) No!
They loudly gather up their purses and keys, and get up from the booth. As they turn to leave, one of them looks at me, her face a dark shade of embarrassed red. Their heels click loudly on the tile as they leave quickly.
I couldn't believe that these women were talking freely about this stuff in public! I knew that Girl Talk included some secret stuff, but damn! If all Girl Talk sessions have sex-talk on the agenda, I hope The Boss has only given glowing reviews of my "performances" to her friends.
And all I can think of, even now, is poor Jeff.
Poor, poor Jeff.