Tuesday, September 23, 2008

In Which I Hear More Than I Wanted

***DISCLAIMER: If you find talk about sex and other bedroom-related topics offensive, skip this post.***

I spent a good portion of the day yesterday away from home. The Boss and I had to drop her car off at the garage for some repairs in the morning, and I hung out in town to avoid wasting gas driving home, only to drive back to pick her up. To help stave off the boredom, I brought a book, my iPod, and my laptop.

I settled into a corner booth in a coffee shop nearby where The Boss works. I setup my laptop, hopped on the free wi-fi, and got caught up on all the new posts and comments that I missed during my birthday weekend. I strategically chose where I sat so no one could see my laptop screen, and so I could people-watch if I so desired. Throughout the day there were varying amounts of people in the shop, but most of them didn't stray too far into the seating area to be near where I was, and I was able to do my work (read: browse Craigslist) in relative peace and quiet. Until THEY came.

THEY were a pair of attractive women, presumably in their late-twenties or early-thirties. Slim figured, fashionably dressed in their cleavage-enhancing blouses, pinstriped work slacks, and ankle-breakingly-high heels. They walked in talking loudly, ordered their obscenely large cups of coffee, and took a seat in the booth that adjoined with mine.

I was, at first, put out. At the time I was trying to concentrate on the new blog post I was working on, and didn't want to be distracted. No problem, I thought. They'll drink their coffee, have their Girl Talk, and be gone before too long. I'll just try my hardest to ignore them.

Not being able to see them over the high back of the booth, I figured it wouldn't be too hard to block them out. However, with their loud voices they proved to be very hard to ignore. After a while, the conversation became hilarious (to me, at least), so I stopped trying to ignore it so I could document it here. It's not eavesdropping if the conversation is loud enough for anyone to hear, right? Let me detail, almost verbatim, an excerpt of their conversation:


Girl One: So, how are things going with the boyfriend?
Girl Two: Things are going well. He's been really fucking horny lately. (slurp of coffee) We had a quickie this morning, and it made me late for work. Wasn't even that great.
Girl One: Is he good other times, at least?
Girl Two: Sometimes. He doesn't have much to work with, if you know what I mean, but he sure tries. But seriously? It's like he has ADHD sometimes. He's doin' one thing for a little while, and then he'll switch to something else, and then it's back to the first thing.
Girl One: Oh, mine does that, too. I'll be almost there, and he'll stop to change positions for just long enough for me to lose it. (slurp of coffee) But he's huge, so when he starts back up, I'll come in no time.
Girl Two: I wish mine was huge. I tell him it's a good size, but my ex's was much bigger. I think he knows that, but at least he's good at oral. He can't get enough of that, and you won't hear me complain.
Girl One: Oh, god. Mine is horrible at oral. Fucking terrible. It's like he's licking a fucking ice cream cone. I don't know where he learned, but damn. I've tried giving him pointers, but he seems to think his way is better.
Girl Two: *laughs* Jeff wanted me to try deep-throating the other night. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I can't deep throat something that's only four inches long.
Girl One: Four inches? That is small.
Girl Two: I know, right?
Girl One: I tried deep-throating once. Nearly threw up on him. It wasn't very sexy.
Girl Two: I don't see what guys find appealing in that gagging sound.
Girl One: Me, neither. Has yours asked you for anal yet?
Girl Two: No. And he ain't gettin' it, either. Nothing is ever going in there. EXIT ONLY.
Girl One: *laughs* I know, right? Paul asked for it once a few weeks ago. I'd be willing to try it once, if he weren't so huge. I'm scared that I'd get stretched out and not be able to hold my shit in.
Girl Two: Wouldn't have that problem with mine.
Girl One: (slurps coffee)
Girl Two: (slurps coffee)
Girl One: That sucks.
Girl Two: Yeah. It kinda does.
Girl One: Do you think you'll be with him for a while?
Girl Two: I dunno. He's sweet and all, but goddamn, I need a good fuck. There is this guy at work that I've heard is amazing from one of my co-workers. I might try him out.
Girl One: "Try him out"? You mustn't like Jeff that much to be so willing to cheat on him.
Girl Two: Yeah, I know. I feel kinda bad about it, but if you hadn't orgasmed from anything but oral in three months, you'd probably feel the same way.
Girl One: (chokes on coffee) Three months? Damn, girl! You need to get laid!

At this point in the conversation, I can't stifle my laughter any longer. I choke on a laugh that is threatening to escape, and cough loudly a few times. Their conversation stops.

Girl One: (whispering) Did you know there was anyone else back here?
Girl Two: (whispering) No!

They loudly gather up their purses and keys, and get up from the booth. As they turn to leave, one of them looks at me, her face a dark shade of embarrassed red. Their heels click loudly on the tile as they leave quickly.


I couldn't believe that these women were talking freely about this stuff in public! I knew that Girl Talk included some secret stuff, but damn! If all Girl Talk sessions have sex-talk on the agenda, I hope The Boss has only given glowing reviews of my "performances" to her friends.

And all I can think of, even now, is poor Jeff.

Poor, poor Jeff.


Moonspun said...

Oh my goodness! Poor Jeff indeed. I think your 'coughing' was a good indication that they should have been embarrassed and maybe they will think twice next time.
I can't speak for all girls, but I, for one, have NEVER had that kind of conversation with someone about sex. Nothing in that detail.
Good blogging fodder, though!

Daddy Files said...

HAHAHAHA! I liked this post.

And yes, girl talk puts guy's locker room talk to shame. Women are not only more graphic, they are infinitely more detailed and crude than guys could ever dream of being. I freely admit I am afraid of ever eavesdropping on my wife during girl talk. I may find out I'm half the size of her ex, she's faked every orgasm she's ever had with me and my prized techniques are really nothing to write home about.

Stay far, far away from girl talk. But thanks for eavesdropping and entertaining us this morning.

Heather said...

LMFAO Seriously, I couldn't STOP laughing!! I know some women talk like that, but when I talk about my husband, I definitely say he's the King of the Bedroom, if you get my drift, and honestly, he IS. However, I have had chats about exes AFTER they were already exes, with my sister and best fried. I have never been that disparaging of a partner while he was my partner.

LilSass said...

Haha, I agree with Daddy Files, women are way more crude and brutal than men. But let's be honest, some of that is because it's HARDER to get us off than it is for you. I mean, your options are "yeah, you scored a touchdown" or "no, we never even flipped the coin." For us, there's lots of "gray area" to our pleasure. With all of that being said, these are NOT conversations for a coffee shop, especially one in a town/city smaller than Tokyo - you never know who's in the booth next to you!

Employee No. 3699 said...

Yes, girl talk can be brutal, as I witnesses on Girls' Weekend. Thus, "What happens on Girls Weekend, Stays with Girls' Weekend." Just like Vega!

Lola said...

Ha! Is that what you were listening to when you were supposed to be working on my blog?

You should have put the phone up close to let me hear it.

Aunt Becky said...

So you met Ashley and I, eh?

Yeah, I talk like that sometimes, when there are no children/husband around. Shocking, because I never say anything like that on my blog. Probably because my in-laws read it. And so does Daver.

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: I thought about signaling my presence sooner, but when I heard what they were talking about, I couldn't resist!

Daddy Files: I would never intentionally eavesdrop on Girl Talk from women I actually know. I would be afraid to learn things I would never care to know.

Heather: Apparently, this women graduated with high honors from Brutal Honesty University.

LilSass: You make a valid point. Everyone is different, and how they respond to "pleasure" is no exception.

Employee No 3699: Brutal, yes. Confidence-crushing? Absolutely.

Lola: I caught that conversation after we spoke the last time. I wish I had a tape recorder to document it.

Aunt Becky: Was that you?

Miss Grace said...

I'm with lil sass on and daddy files on this one. Girl talk would put "man talk" (wtf is that what you would even call it?) to SHAME.

Molly said...

Oh my gosh, I spit my coffee out, that was brilliant!

Found you through Meg - I have told her off for being mean to you!

Kat said...

They were just asking for it to get embarrassing talking about that shit in public. That is a in a girlfriends house, with the music on, closing the curtains, paranoid circumstances girl talk. Shame on her for not dumping the guy before thinking about screwing someone else. Poor Jeff. Eh at least he knows how to do oral.

Rachel said...


Thank you for sharing that awesome conversation...

scatterbrain said...

Chortle! Thanks for sharing that hilarious conversation.

At least twice a year, we have to stuff our pillows into our mouths to muffle guffaws when nasty short-assed neighbour repeatedly asks the hag (at the top of his short lungs) if she wants it "arder".

We're hoping she does, so they'll break up, sell up and move elsewhere.

Badass Geek said...

Miss Grace: Would that be a manversation?

Molly: Hope the coffee didn't make much of a mess. And I think Meg and I had a minor miscommunication, although I haven't seen her around these parts lately. Thanks for stopping by!

Kat: Any advice columnist could help with this, too. I feel really bad for Jeff, too.

Rachel: It truly was awesome. I only wish I could have recorded it on tape. Thanks for commenting, come back soon!

Scatterbrain: Twice a year? Lucky bastard!

scatterbrain said...

Yea, twice a year is a lot for mutant swamp creatures - now I've got to eradicate that disgusting image from my brain. Eurggh!

brookeb4 said...

I have girlfriends that fall into 2 different categories. The ones who talk about their sexual exploits, and the ones who do not. I do. I think that most of it is hillarious, and if guys talk about it all the time, why can't I? I also know which girlfriends don't like to talk about it, which I try to respect. But, sometimes it's just TOO funny and I have to tell them anyway! Especially this one guy who...wait, you probably don't want to hear more of that!

Anonymous said...

Neato mosquito, When you listen to a onversation and the speakers don't know you're there that is called either eavsdropping or spying depending on whether or not you know the people...When you report the conversation on the enter(tain)net that's just cooler than nude photos of Adolph&Eva

Rosa said...

holy hell.
that is all.

mizkei91 said...

Hahaha this is too hilarious. Poor Jeff, I'd kill to get out of his shoes. Funny!

Girl At Rock Show said...

THIS IS FABULOUS! (And so very very true!)

bad breath said...

This is so true! Funny though ;)

hair cloning 2012 said...

women.. they have no shame! haha

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