Saturday, September 27, 2008

In Which I Shouldn't Be Around Myself

Most people enjoy Friday, as it signifies the end of the work week and the start of the weekend. The popular phrase heard 'round many a workplace is "TGIF", or "Thank God It's Friday".

Unfortunately, Friday wasn't the best of days for me. As the day came to an end, I found myself saying "TGISF", or "Thank God I Survived Friday".

It was one of those days that right from the start, right from the moment your feet hit the floor coming out of bed, you know the day is going to have problems. It wasn't a "wrong side of the bed" type of day. It wasn't a "forced to wear khaki's on casual Friday" type of day. It was a cosmically, karmically, and otherwise universally BAD DAY.

Allow me to explain.

I woke up later than I wanted to, thus not allowing for a leisurely morning before logging on for work. I poured myself a bowl of Fruit Loops (Healthy? No, but they were on sale), and turned on the television to catch the weather report for the day. Standing there in the kitchen, in rapt attention to the buxom meteorologist as she explained to me the forecast, I inadvertently scooped a larger-than-necessary spoonful of cereal. With my eyes only on the TV, I shoved the spoon into my mouth, and realized all too late that I had indeed bitten off more than I could chew.

I worked my jaw up and down, struggling to fully masticate the circular fruit-flavored cereal before swallowing. A few moments later I attempted a pre-swallow, in an attempt to make more room in my mouth to finish the job. Unknown to me, a rogue section of Loop had escaped unchewed and was on its way out of my mouth with its less fortunate comrades. With it's grip of steel, the jagged-edged Loop held firm on the back on my throat while the rest of the pre-swallow went down the hatch without a fight. Realizing the startling turn of events, I executed a series of additional pre-swallows, but the Loop remained stuck firmly in my throat. I started to choke a little bit, spewing multi-colored Loop chunks onto the counter. Grabbing a glass from the counter, I hurriedly filled it with water from the tap and gulped it down. The Loop's grip weakened and finally released, leaving a sore spot behind as it made its way to my stomach.

Having now just a few minutes until work is supposed to begin, I hurriedly finish my cereal, making sure each bite is fully chewed before swallowing. Once finished, I set the bowl in the sink and headed to the bathroom one last time before sitting down to work. Leaving the bathroom light off as my eyes hadn't fully adjusted to being awake yet, I lifted both parts of the toilet seat and began to urinate. Everything was going well (I thought) until I felt a warm pool of liquid encircle my bare feet. My aim in the dark apparently wasn't as good as I had thought it was, causing me to dispense just about the full contents of my bladder on the floor, and thus, my feet.

Cleaning up the mess I created made me late to work, and after the events so far in the day I was glad to have a relatively easy and idiot-free day during the first half of my shift. I had my annual review mid-way through my shift, and when it came to the part of the review where my raise was discussed, the day took a sudden sharp turn for the worst. After calling my performance over the last year "average at best" (which is complete bullshit and a slap in the face), my boss gave me a whopping $0.37-per-hour raise. After two years with this company, I'm still not making a dollar more per-hour than when I started. (I know I shouldn't complain, and that I should be happy I got a raise at all, but if you understood the crap I go through every day with this job, you'd understand my frustration.) After my review, I spent a couple hours looking for a new job online.

Due to the fact I woke up late, nearly choked to death and accidentally pissed on myself, I didn't have time for a shower before beginning work. I was busy during my lunch break making a phone call to a student loan lender, and it was mid-afternoon by the time I was able to jump in the shower. I was still upset about my review, and wasn't really paying attention as I showered. In my haste, I accidentally used my bodywash as my shampoo, and my shampoo as my bodywash. As result, my hair smells like Active Sport, and I'm proud to say that my pubic hair has much more volume and has a non-greasy shine.

After all that, the rest of the day passed without much trouble. I didn't do much after my work day ended, mostly because I was scared of what else could happen but also because I was exhausted from keeping up with the events of the day. I know better than to tempt Fate.

Let's recap:

Nearly being choked to death by Toucan Sam... check. Victim of accidental self-urination... check. Unfair evaluation of performance at work... check. Forgetting the proper methods of showering... check.

Here's to a better day today, and a good weekend overall.

I hope you all have a safe weekend!

14 Comments:

Meg said...

Sounds like my job! I got a 35 cent raise in January! 35 cents! What am I suppose to do with that?!

Lola said...

Sounds like my Friday, except mine involved three different car salesmen!

I'm sorry they didn't give you a bigger raise. 35 cents is kind of insulting really. Either round it up to 50 or go big and give you a whole dollar. That just sucks big, hairy donkey balls, man!

Oh, and one time I was at work and went into this really dark bathroom, went to squat to take a whizz, not realizing that the cover to the toilet was down -- when the hell does that ever happen in a public restroom -- didn't realize it until I was standing in a puddle of my own piss.

I looked down and saw it running out the front of the stall and into the adjacent stall. There was piss everywhere.

I was going to clean it up, even though I didn't know where to start while wearing my gorgeous business suit, but then I heard people coming down the hall, so I freaked out, washed my hands really quickly and got the hell out of there. One of my finer moments! Thanks for making me remember.

Cape Cod Gal said...

Damn those rouge Loops!

I was so tired on Friday morning that I put orange juice in my cereal instead of milk. I wish that I could say that this was a first, but sadly, I do it more often than I care to admitt. Im so against wasting food that instead of dumping the whole thing in the garbage, I drain the orange juice out and pour milk on it, thus the result is orange flavored milk. It's really disgusting.

X said...

I don't think I even got 35 cents. Times are tough right now, though.

I hope Saturday is going better for you.

Daddy Files said...

I'm sorry about the crappy raise but dude...you peed on yourself! That's downright hilarious.

Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. I shit my pants at a Jimmy Buffett concert once while I was in an alcohol induced coma in the parking lot. These things happen.

Badass Geek said...

Meg: I guess, with $0.35, you can pay for the sales tax on a couple of things at the dollar store.

Lola: It was kind of insulting, but what stings worse is them calling my performance "average at best". Fuckers.

Cape Cod Gal: I've done that on more occaisions than I care to remember. Apple-milk is even worse.

SWAX: I know times are tough, but my company is flourishing. Its better than nothing, though.

Daddy Files: I would expect that to be the normal concert experience for a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Kat said...

My husband has pee'd on himself, but it was completely different circumstances (which I don't know if I am allowed to explain..I should probably ask him, eh). Sorry about the lousy review and crap raise. We here in blog world know that you are worth at least another dollar an hour. Here's to a better weekend.

Moonspun said...

Oh Badass, is it wrong that I laughed outloud about you peeing on yourself? If so, I am sorry! I am sure it sucked the big one at the time, but if you read it about someone else, hell you'd laugh, too.
But I am truly sorry about your crappy raise. There is nothing funny about being treated like crap when you know you do a good job.

Jess said...

Suck ass day. But, in the grand scheme of things, at least it was Friday. If it had been Monday - the suck would have sucked worse, no?

(son of a bitch. I am pretty sure I just jinxed my Monday. Knock on wood please...)

Badass Geek said...

Kat: Ask him if you can explain. It'd be good for my confidence to know I'm not alone.

Moonspun: It's okay that you laughed. If I was reading about this happening to anyone else, I would DEFINATELY be laughing, too.

Jess: It is good it happened on a Friday. Wouldn't want my whole week ruined by something like that.

scatterbrain said...

Oh Nooo! So sorry - I was sure you’d get your increase. Poo to your employers - bastards! You’ll just have to keep thumbing the job pages. You'll find something else.

I usually call it T.F.I .F.:D

My step-daughters once put cling film over the toilet to catch my son out – so they now know all about correct cleaning techniques and the hygienic properties of bleach. But it was hilarious.

Heather said...

It's ok, go ahead and complain about it. It's happening everywhere I guess, but the least they could do is say, hey we'd like to give you more but with the economy what it is right now, you're lucky you're getting that much. That's better than basically blaming it on you. And for a shitfest of a job no less. I don't know what you make, and I'm sure that working from home has its advantages for you, but for the time being, unless you can work a second job, you'll probably be better off sticking it out. Tee's dad said he had four interviews this month and nothing, and he's got lots of experience, and my best friend also applied at about 8 places, and didn't even get a phone call for an interview, and she has tons of experience in customer service. It's just really bad out there right now. I don't even think the fast food restaurants have been hiring around here.

enthalpymama said...

Badass - I hope your weekend went much better. I'm sorry your raise was less than exciting. But, you can always rest assured that you make more than I do!

Badass Geek said...

Scatterbrain: They are bastards. I'm thankful for what they did give me for a raise, though.

Heather: I know that I'm going to be better off working from home. That in itself (with gas prices) is a "raise" because it eliminates my commute. Nothing decent is hiring around here either, so I guess its a mute point.

Enthalpy Mama: The weekend did go better than Friday did. I'm not so upset about the raise now that it's been a few days. Can you ask your husband for a raise?

Post a Comment