Most people enjoy Friday, as it signifies the end of the work week and the start of the weekend. The popular phrase heard 'round many a workplace is "TGIF", or "Thank God It's Friday".
Unfortunately, Friday wasn't the best of days for me. As the day came to an end, I found myself saying "TGISF", or "Thank God I Survived Friday".
It was one of those days that right from the start, right from the moment your feet hit the floor coming out of bed, you know the day is going to have problems. It wasn't a "wrong side of the bed" type of day. It wasn't a "forced to wear khaki's on casual Friday" type of day. It was a cosmically, karmically, and otherwise universally BAD DAY.
Allow me to explain.
I woke up later than I wanted to, thus not allowing for a leisurely morning before logging on for work. I poured myself a bowl of Fruit Loops (Healthy? No, but they were on sale), and turned on the television to catch the weather report for the day. Standing there in the kitchen, in rapt attention to the buxom meteorologist as she explained to me the forecast, I inadvertently scooped a larger-than-necessary spoonful of cereal. With my eyes only on the TV, I shoved the spoon into my mouth, and realized all too late that I had indeed bitten off more than I could chew.
I worked my jaw up and down, struggling to fully masticate the circular fruit-flavored cereal before swallowing. A few moments later I attempted a pre-swallow, in an attempt to make more room in my mouth to finish the job. Unknown to me, a rogue section of Loop had escaped unchewed and was on its way out of my mouth with its less fortunate comrades. With it's grip of steel, the jagged-edged Loop held firm on the back on my throat while the rest of the pre-swallow went down the hatch without a fight. Realizing the startling turn of events, I executed a series of additional pre-swallows, but the Loop remained stuck firmly in my throat. I started to choke a little bit, spewing multi-colored Loop chunks onto the counter. Grabbing a glass from the counter, I hurriedly filled it with water from the tap and gulped it down. The Loop's grip weakened and finally released, leaving a sore spot behind as it made its way to my stomach.
Having now just a few minutes until work is supposed to begin, I hurriedly finish my cereal, making sure each bite is fully chewed before swallowing. Once finished, I set the bowl in the sink and headed to the bathroom one last time before sitting down to work. Leaving the bathroom light off as my eyes hadn't fully adjusted to being awake yet, I lifted both parts of the toilet seat and began to urinate. Everything was going well (I thought) until I felt a warm pool of liquid encircle my bare feet. My aim in the dark apparently wasn't as good as I had thought it was, causing me to dispense just about the full contents of my bladder on the floor, and thus, my feet.
Cleaning up the mess I created made me late to work, and after the events so far in the day I was glad to have a relatively easy and idiot-free day during the first half of my shift. I had my annual review mid-way through my shift, and when it came to the part of the review where my raise was discussed, the day took a sudden sharp turn for the worst. After calling my performance over the last year "average at best" (which is complete bullshit and a slap in the face), my boss gave me a whopping $0.37-per-hour raise. After two years with this company, I'm still not making a dollar more per-hour than when I started. (I know I shouldn't complain, and that I should be happy I got a raise at all, but if you understood the crap I go through every day with this job, you'd understand my frustration.) After my review, I spent a couple hours looking for a new job online.
Due to the fact I woke up late, nearly choked to death and accidentally pissed on myself, I didn't have time for a shower before beginning work. I was busy during my lunch break making a phone call to a student loan lender, and it was mid-afternoon by the time I was able to jump in the shower. I was still upset about my review, and wasn't really paying attention as I showered. In my haste, I accidentally used my bodywash as my shampoo, and my shampoo as my bodywash. As result, my hair smells like Active Sport, and I'm proud to say that my pubic hair has much more volume and has a non-greasy shine.
After all that, the rest of the day passed without much trouble. I didn't do much after my work day ended, mostly because I was scared of what else could happen but also because I was exhausted from keeping up with the events of the day. I know better than to tempt Fate.
Nearly being choked to death by Toucan Sam... check. Victim of accidental self-urination... check. Unfair evaluation of performance at work... check. Forgetting the proper methods of showering... check.
Here's to a better day today, and a good weekend overall.
I hope you all have a safe weekend!