Monday, September 8, 2008

In Which I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Just Won’t Do That

Lil Sass has the honor of being today's guest writer. There is not much that I can say about her that would do her any justice, so if you haven't been by her blog, I'd highly recommend it.


Although the thrill of moving to San Francisco meant I would be living alone for the first time and would get to experience all The City has to offer, I was also a newly-single girl in a city that we know … well … doesn’t have the most prolific dating pool for someone of my persuasion.

Like a girl living in this generation, I did what any eager chick would do; I went to my friend the world wide web. I didn’t do what all the other cats were doin’ – none of that and yahoo shit for me. This lady was gonna troll the personals on Craigslist. Yeah, you read that right. Although I spent hours on the good ‘ol “CL” during work hours reading the best of (um, you think YOUR life is fucked up? … spend 20 minutes on CL and you’ll be relieved you’re not that guy), I thought this would be a fun experiment. I mean, how bad could it be, right? I could just look through all these ads, find one that seemed interesting and reply. Easy enough!

My desire to passively respond to ads, as opposed to posting my own was because I knew damn well that those W4M ads lead to 3,276 jpegs of c*ck in your inbox (not that there’s anything wrong with cock in your box). Ahem … now, I love a pic of a dick like the next lady, but c’mon … that leaves NOTHING for the imagination.

Eventually, I came upon an interesting ad. He was funny, seemed interesting, charming - I’d give it a shot. We traded emails back and forth and at some point he called and we talked for 5 hours on the phone. Oh yeah, things were off to a great start! ..

I was working full-time, taking nursing pre-reqs and studying for the GRE but every lady has time for a damn lunch date, right? After months of prep classes and cramming completely useless shit into my brain, I scheduled my GRE that Saturday afternoon. I figured, man if this goes right, a little post-test stress relief is gonna be perfect! All of the stress about my test and this date gave me the worst headache ever but I powered through.

Considering my mind-blowing headache, I seriously thought about calling the whole thing off, maybe postponing until another day. But I really needed a drink and hell, I may as well do it with someone else, right? So after my test, he gets out of the cab and I shit you not, the man looks like Meatloaf. Yeah, that Meatloaf. Instantly I am singing, I Would Do Anything For Love … But I Just Wooon’t Doooo That!! I was so shocked and jarred by this (YES, he send me a picture before. How friggin' insane and desperate so you think I am? …. Well, yeah, that picture was about 5 years ago, 30 lbs. ago and taken with an awful web cam or some shit).

I politely said hello and we made our way to lunch in North Beach. Here I was surrounded by beautiful Italian men singing from the steps of pizzerias, offering me cups of espresso and I was on a damn date with Meatloaf.

I ordered a double vodka tonic and scurried to the bathroom to call my girlfriend. “Dre, HE LOOKS LIKE MEATLOAF!! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO??” She is DYING with laughter and says, “Tell ‘em you have a headache.” I couldn’t do it, I simply couldn’t - it’s bad dating karma or something. This was like a horrible made-for-tv-movie and I was about to crush this man (even if he does look like Meatloaf). We finished our lunch and somehow (jesus what was the matter with me?) I got coerced into walking to beautiful Washington Square. On this gorgeous fall day there were people everywhere … eating gelato, laying about, sipping espresso and I? … I am with Meatloaf.

He asks if I minded if he smoked and shook my head “no”. What’s that? A homemade cigarette? Oh no, it’s a fucking joint. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE G*D DAMN DAY! On the busiest day North Beach has seen in months, this may lights up a damn pinner on the friggin’ sidewalk. Moms are pushing strollers. Guidos are talking about their moms and marinara and whatnot and I am with joint smoking Meatloaf.

And no, he didn’t offer me ANY!


Moonspun said...

Lil Sass...great post! I've had an expereince or two with Craig's list. (though now I check it for free stuff, not men) No one ever looks like their pictures. BUT Meatloaf! Some people might like that, but obviously not you!

Lola said...

Meatloaf bogarts the joint? Nice, very nice.

Good lord, ladies, I don't even trust people from Craig's List to come to my house and buy the stuff I'm trying to sell. I can't imagine looking for a man on there.

Great post, Sass!

scatterbrain said...

Fun post Lil Sass.

I suppose you didn't arrange another date then?

When I was reading this, I was thinking that possibly, although he looked like Meatloaf, he could have been a nice guy - underneath - a Meatloaf nice guy - but that last sentence proved he wasn't.

Daddy Files said...

Great post!

A pot smoking Meatloaf look-a-like on a first date...I don't think that can be topped. Did you mention that he looked like Meatloaf? I'm curious what his reaction was.

patty said...

Having been married off long before the advent of online dating and craigslist, all I can add here in first-person experience is the furniture usually looks reasonably like its online representation.

Can I hazard a guess that you don't need to be trollin' CL for lurve? I'm just sayin'.

Carolyn...Online said...

I love that you were equally offended at him pulling out the joint and not offering to share the joint.

LilSass said...

Haha, thanks for your comments guys. No, we didn't go out again. No, I didn't mention he looked like Meatloaf and No, I have never returned to dating on CL. And although I have done other dating sites, I have sworn them off completely because it's not "organic" enough for me!

Employee No. 3699 said...

Just curious...did you order meatloaf for lunch, 'cause that would have been funny.

Ms Picket To You said...

yet more vicarious living for me via sass.

Sus said...

You are insane! You should have told him that you were allergic to bats out of hell and that you would need to cut the date short.

Heather said...

I think a date with Meatloaf would be awesome! The real Meatloaf, not his Doppleganger though. Cuz I bet the REAL Meatloaf would have offered to share and then broke out into song too. said...

That's when you bring out the sass in Lil' Sass.

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