There are many reasons why I saved this one for last, but I'll let you figure out why on your own. Read on to find out for yourself why this post from Lola pleasantly surprised me.
My "Assignment" seemed pretty simple at first blush, piece-o-cake, easy peasy for someone like me who is never at a loss for words. When I opened that top secret e-mail from my bestest blog buddy, Badass, asking if I would compose a witty little guest post for him while he's away becoming one with The Boss, I hit reply and was screaming YES, OF COURSE I WILL faster than the skeletons started flying out of Sarah Palin's conservative closet. (Sorry. Couldn't resist.)
All he wanted was a "funny first" story, and being a middle-aged hussy -- I mean housewife and mother -- that will try just about anything, let's just say that my cup runneth over with tantalizing topics to choose from. Badass, being the ever-so-polite soul that he is, also gave me an extended deadline, plenty of time to come up with something genius to make the sweet geek proud.
So, my mind set about coming up with just the right subject. Would it be my first crush on an older man, the first time getting caught having sex, my first car, my first crack at a blowjob, my first arrest, the first time I jumped a horse across the brook and stayed on after dozens of attempts, the first time I smoked pot, the first time I couldn't stand my husband for an extended period of time, the first time I actually felt like a mother, the first time I tried to ride a Harley, the first time I saw my son playing with his little penis and had to whip my own head around so he wouldn't see me cracking up when he announced that "Peeps is up," the first time I decided to try skiing after 22 years of being scared shitless of strapping those popsicle sticks on my feet again and going down a slippery mountain, the first time I thought I was losing my mind, the first time I played drums in a concert, the first time I beat the crap out of a guy in karate, the first time I "met" Badass?
I could go on for days with "funny first" topics, but I could never get past the first couple sentences. I couldn't understand why I was having so much trouble with this seemingly easy task, and then it hit me. Putting your thoughts and feelings on someone else's blog is way harder than putting them on your own.
Let's just say that my style of writing is a lot different than Badass'. I've been there, done that, have a foul mouth, a very dark sense of humor, and I have almost no boundaries on my blog. I don't ever really try to hold myself back, except when it comes to hurting the people I care about. So, things flow pretty easily for me when I write. I have strong opinions, and I'm not afraid to put them out there. I don't write with other people in mind. My theory is if you don't like my ramblings, then don't let the big X hit you in the ass.
I LOVE my readers, and I would hate to lose them because I offended them, but I would feel so much worse if I offended the readers who love Badass as much as I do. I know some of his readers are also my loyal readers, so I knew they'd be fine if I wrote about sex, drugs or politics, but what about the rest of you? All of these thoughts spinning around my head messed with my blog chi, and I was stuck.
With my deadline fast approaching, I had to suck it up and get the creative juices flowing somehow. I couldn't let the big guy down. The words of the great, tortured Scott Weiland, "Feeling uninspired..." kept popping into my head because, well, I was uninspired. So, I grabbed a pen and paper (YIKES) instead of my laptop, walked out into my beautiful back yard, lit a fire, lit some candles, hit the couch with no sounds other than the crackling fire, the water flowing in the fountain and the not-so-serene sounds of my dogs wrestling, of course. I was ready to be inspired...
This is what I came up with. It was already written really, once I decided to stop trying to pick the perfect subject. I guess it should be called "The first time I had writer's block." I hope it is funny, and I hope Badass Nation finds it worthy of his blog.
Thanks for the honor, the stress, the sleepless nights, Badass. I love you, man!