Tuesday, September 9, 2008

In Which I'm Feeling Uninspired, Think I'll Start A Fire

There are many reasons why I saved this one for last, but I'll let you figure out why on your own. Read on to find out for yourself why this post from Lola pleasantly surprised me.


My "Assignment" seemed pretty simple at first blush, piece-o-cake, easy peasy for someone like me who is never at a loss for words. When I opened that top secret e-mail from my bestest blog buddy, Badass, asking if I would compose a witty little guest post for him while he's away becoming one with The Boss, I hit reply and was screaming YES, OF COURSE I WILL faster than the skeletons started flying out of Sarah Palin's conservative closet. (Sorry. Couldn't resist.)

All he wanted was a "funny first" story, and being a middle-aged hussy -- I mean housewife and mother -- that will try just about anything, let's just say that my cup runneth over with tantalizing topics to choose from. Badass, being the ever-so-polite soul that he is, also gave me an extended deadline, plenty of time to come up with something genius to make the sweet geek proud.

So, my mind set about coming up with just the right subject. Would it be my first crush on an older man, the first time getting caught having sex, my first car, my first crack at a blowjob, my first arrest, the first time I jumped a horse across the brook and stayed on after dozens of attempts, the first time I smoked pot, the first time I couldn't stand my husband for an extended period of time, the first time I actually felt like a mother, the first time I tried to ride a Harley, the first time I saw my son playing with his little penis and had to whip my own head around so he wouldn't see me cracking up when he announced that "Peeps is up," the first time I decided to try skiing after 22 years of being scared shitless of strapping those popsicle sticks on my feet again and going down a slippery mountain, the first time I thought I was losing my mind, the first time I played drums in a concert, the first time I beat the crap out of a guy in karate, the first time I "met" Badass?

I could go on for days with "funny first" topics, but I could never get past the first couple sentences. I couldn't understand why I was having so much trouble with this seemingly easy task, and then it hit me. Putting your thoughts and feelings on someone else's blog is way harder than putting them on your own.

Let's just say that my style of writing is a lot different than Badass'. I've been there, done that, have a foul mouth, a very dark sense of humor, and I have almost no boundaries on my blog. I don't ever really try to hold myself back, except when it comes to hurting the people I care about. So, things flow pretty easily for me when I write. I have strong opinions, and I'm not afraid to put them out there. I don't write with other people in mind. My theory is if you don't like my ramblings, then don't let the big X hit you in the ass.

I LOVE my readers, and I would hate to lose them because I offended them, but I would feel so much worse if I offended the readers who love Badass as much as I do. I know some of his readers are also my loyal readers, so I knew they'd be fine if I wrote about sex, drugs or politics, but what about the rest of you? All of these thoughts spinning around my head messed with my blog chi, and I was stuck.

With my deadline fast approaching, I had to suck it up and get the creative juices flowing somehow. I couldn't let the big guy down. The words of the great, tortured Scott Weiland, "Feeling uninspired..." kept popping into my head because, well, I was uninspired. So, I grabbed a pen and paper (YIKES) instead of my laptop, walked out into my beautiful back yard, lit a fire, lit some candles, hit the couch with no sounds other than the crackling fire, the water flowing in the fountain and the not-so-serene sounds of my dogs wrestling, of course. I was ready to be inspired...

This is what I came up with. It was already written really, once I decided to stop trying to pick the perfect subject. I guess it should be called "The first time I had writer's block." I hope it is funny, and I hope Badass Nation finds it worthy of his blog.

Thanks for the honor, the stress, the sleepless nights, Badass. I love you, man!


Moonspun said...

Very well done, Lola. Lovely, lovely post. Authentically you, in a poignant way. Oh and can you write sometime more about your son and his 'peep'? That's a keeper!

Daddy Files said...

Nice. I really liked this. And just like you, I'm VERY outspoken and I worried about offending people on someone else's blog. But then I figured our beloved Bad Ass knows our writing style and wouldn't have asked us to post for him if he didn't want our particular styles. And that's why he ended up with a post involving my brother-in-law's huge cock and anal sex.

But great post Lola!

Meg said...

Great post!

Lola said...

Come on, Badass, you put me last because I turned mine in last, right, right? Oh, and why were you pleasantly surprised? Were you expecting something trashy, perhaps? Why on earth would you ever think that?

Just for you, Moon, I will post about the wee peeps incident(s).

Well, Daddy, it's my style minus cocks and ass. Actually, I did get in penis and ass, didn't I? I just left out the dirty parts. I think mostly I had trouble because I was given a topic and a deadline.
I got a little stage fright I guess. Pressure pressing down on me...

Thanks, Meg.

scatterbrain said...

This, unsurprisingly, reads really well and all the time I'm smiling as I read it - as per USUAL when I'm read your blog Lola.

Just so as you know (I've mentioned it here before but you must've missed it) I, like many "lurkers" on your site cannot comment because you don't have a name/URL option on the comments section - like Badass's.

I spent AGES on your blog, laughing my head off and liking you more and more...went to thank you for making me smile so much...and nowhere for me to comment - duh! You'd probably find you have plenty of other frustrated admirers as well.

Thanks for making me smile again today.

Kat said...

Nice post Lola. You will be the first person I call to guest blog when I have an extended absence.

Cape Cod Gal said...

Lola: Very funny! I am the same exact way on my blog. No limits. I love my readers too and desperatly think of things to keep them amused and shocked. I'll be keeping you in mind if I ever take an extended leave. Well done!

Heather said...

I thought you did really well. Pressure always gets to me too when I'm writing. I always feel the need to abbreviate things for some reason.

Lola said...

Oh, Scatterbrain, you're so sweet. I have absolutely no idea what the name URL thing is, but Badass is going to do over my blog soon, and I'll have him fix it for me. I'm pretty useless with this computer stuff. I'm glad you've been reading, though!

Kat, honey, did you miss the part where I said how hard this was for me? Although, if you're willing to let me pick my topic, I'll go all political on your yahoo ass. Now, that would flow right on out of me. Can't wait!!

Thanks, CCG. I'll be over later, since you sound so sassy!

Thanks, Heather. For some reason, I picture you as calm, cool and collected. Love ya!

thecusp said...

As always...lovin' the Lola! Excellent choice Badass. Excellent choice indeed.

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