Wednesday, October 1, 2008

In Which I Need To Man Up

My job requires me to have a slightly less-than-normal schedule, thus making Wednesday's the start of my work week. During the first couple hours of my shift, I have a routine where I sit back in my desk chair and quietly wonder how my days off went by so goddamn quick.

Today being Wednesday, it started no differently than the multitude of Wednesday's behind me. I logged on for work, reclined in my chair with my hands folded behind my head, and sighed the heavy sigh of a man destined for a long and trying day. I closed my eyes, and started going through the list of things that I did on my days off...

Wash, dry, and fold The Boss' and my laundry... Wash the dishes... Pick up clutter around the house... Clean the cat box... Cook dinner...


Wait a minute.

Now, before I upset anyone, I've never been one to support or encourage traditional gender roles. However, after realizing all the various chores I did this week, and how many times I've done all these chores in previous weeks, I'm beginning to feel like there is a lack of a certain piece (or pieces, really) of anatomy between my legs.

Don't get me wrong... There is nothing wrong with a guy who does chores. I think every guy should help out with things around the house, and not just expect his wife or girlfriend to do certain things. I've not once expected The Boss to do the cleaning or the cooking while I sit around and scratch myself; It's more often than not quite the opposite (minus the scratching). I actually feel better about myself when I know that I'm contributing to the greater good of my household, but that good feeling stops when I feel like I'm losing my masculinity.

Ever since I've made this realization, though, I've felt the need to go out and do some stereotypical "guy" things. Like drink beer. Gorge myself on pizza, burgers, or hot wings. Watch football. Drive my big truck around. Go to the hardware store and buy some tools. Watch an action movie with fast cars and hot women. Something, anything that will help restore faith in the fact that I still have an ounce of testosterone left in my body.

But before I do any of those things, will you hand me my balls, please?

They are right there... Right next to my purse.

P.S. What's that? What about the give-away I mentioned yesterday? That's right, I almost forgot. I'm still working out the details. I promise I'll reveal everything about it tomorrow.


Heather said...

OMG Men should totally do housework. If you were single, would you just let the toilet fester, the laundry stink you out of your bedroom, and have to play Livin in the Fridge while scrounging in the kitchen for something still edible to eat? That's a sorry way to live. If you crap in the toilet, you should occasionally have to swish a brush around in it.

Having said that, my husband makes a bigger paycheck than me (much bigger) and I "work" at home. So basically the majority of cooking and cleaning is my responsibility and that's ok. But he still has to take out the trash, wash the dishes once in awhile and make spaghetti on tuesday.

The days of the little woman standing in front of the stove all day wearing an apron came to an end a long time ago, and it's perfectly acceptable in a two income family where husband and wife both work full time, for them to also share the house work equally. You're still a man. In fact it makes you more of a man that you are willing to own up to makin' messes by cleaning them up. I like that. It's tres sexy.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I would give anything for my husband to do some chores. Like Heather's husband, mine makes the huge check and I bring home enough to cover my student loans and the credit cards left over from college. Even though I work umpteen hours a day, I still feel like the majority of the house work should me mine. I'm happy if his laundry makes it in the hamper. And besides, I'm a control freak. If he tried to clean it his way, I would be right behind him, doing it my way.

Yeah, what about the contest. I was wondering what the hell was up with that! Is Lola gonna win this one too??? She has all the luck.

Daddy Files said...

Dude, I feel you and then some!!

Although it doesn't sound like I do as much housework as you, I still do a lot more than most guys I know. More often than not I'm the one cooking dinner. I ALWAYS do the dishes. I take care of the dogs 100% of the time and somehow the kitty litter is now my chore as well. I also occasionally mop and sweep not to mention all the diaper changes and feedings for Will.

She does the laundry on a regular basis. And she cleans the bathrooms, but only because she said I sucked at it the one time I tried and it wasn't up to her standards. Other than that she just floats around straightening up and picking up little things, yet somehow makes me feel like I don't do enough.

Women are crafty creatures man. You don't even know you're a whipped little bitch until it's too late. And good luck getting those testicles back. Once they're gone...they're gone baby.

But hey, at least you're not some deadbeat who does nothing. It's good to help out around the house. But to an extent.

enthalpymama said...

Men who take care of themselves and others are way hotter than those who don't, and don't ever let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Other men won't tell you that because they don't want your competition.

Jen W said...

Ha! I love the comment:
But before I do any of those things, will you hand me my balls, please?

They are right there... Right next to my purse.

Too funny!!! My husband is a teacher and during his summer's off, he stays home with the kids. I'm sure at times he feels the same way.

Lola said...

My husband was raised by a single mom, so he's pretty good about helping out. I'm home most of the time, so I do the majority of the work around here and all the cooking. Plus, I'm a control freak and he cannot possibly do things the right way.

He does the grocery shopping and a ton of errands, though, which makes me very happy indeed.

Yeah, once the balls are gone, it's pretty tough to grow a new set. Just ask my dogs. No matter how many times they lick their phantom sacs, still nothing!

LilSass said...

I know what you should do to feel 'manly', be a man and check out a hot chick that walks by! ('member that comment you left on X's blog a week or so ago?) First you're blind, now you're castrated? MAN!!!

jenboglass said...

I just found you through Cape Cod Gal who just found me. So, I guess it's fate. Can I just say that I am scream laughing at your profile description of sarcasm, swearing and hand gestures?

I am so coming back. You can take that as a threat or a promise. Which ever suits you best.

Badass Geek said...

Heather: If I were single my house would be cleaner than it is now, because I dislike cleaning so much I'd just keep it clean all the time. That's what I try to do even now, but I can't seem to keep up.

Cape Cod Gal: Laundy goes in the hamper? Interesting.

Daddy Files: I knew I'd get some sympathy from you! I tried cleaning the bathroom once, and like you, I'll never have to do it again.

Enthalpy Mama: I guess that's the appeal I have to my wife, then. =)

Jen W: I think all guys feel this way at some point, regardless of the amount of their household involvment.

Lola: I guess I should be glad I still have mine, even though at times they seem non-existent.

LilSass: It's a hard knock life.

Jenboglass: Threat? Promise? I'll take 'em both. Glad you like it here.

Moonspun said...

Oh Badass, I am married to a man who doesn't think twice about doing housework/chores and never feels the need to drink beer and watching violent movies. And he never worries about where his balls are. And trust me, they are just where they should be and work just fine. I guess I am probably an anomaly, actually, he is. So I don't quite know what to say to your post. Can't relate, but keep up the good work. Being a responsible part of the household is everyone's job. Someday when you have kids, well, you'll say the same thing to them. Trust me.

scatterbrain said...

I have to agree with Heather on this one. Particularly the "it makes you more of a man that you are willing to own up to makin' messes by cleaning them up" bit.

That's what I teach my son, who has an example in his father - we share all the chores because we consider ourselves a team - plus, he knows it drives me wild when I see him up to his elbows in soap suds. He's got wriggling his ass and cleaning the dishes at the same time down to a fine art. So seductive!

Lola you just made me spill my coffee laughing at your last sentence.

Aunt Becky said...

Dude. Your balls are on the shelf...somewhere. Good luck finding 'em. And make sure my dinner is HOT when I get home, DAMNIT!

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