Sunday, October 19, 2008

In Which I Wince

Today has not been the best of days for my testicles.

I never thought I'd say that phrase ever again, after an unfortunate incident I had with an end table and a slippery floor, but it seems Fate has Her mind set on causing me pain today.

It all started this morning, shortly after waking up for the day. Still groggy, I attempted to put on a pair of pants in my mostly-dark bedroom. I put one foot most of the way though the pant leg and inadvertently pinned the rest of the pant leg to the floor. Not realizing this, I pulled up on the waistband of the pants, expecting to pull them up the rest of the way. My weakened-by-sleep grip slipped off of the waistband, and continuing on its upward trajectory, landed squarely (and with an alarming amount of force) on my nutsack.

Nothing like a self-inflicted punch to the nuts to wake you up in the morning.

(Not that I'd recommend it over a cup of Folgers, though. You can't exactly continue on with your morning routine when you are doubled over on the floor, holding your crotch and moaning in pain.)

The throbbing sac-pain eventually subsided enough for me to get some breakfast and watch the morning news. Once The Boss left for work, thus rendering the bathroom free for use, I hopped in the shower. I found out quickly that there wasn't much hot water left after The Boss' 15-minute so-hot-it-steams-off-the-wallpaper shower, so I quickly cleaned up and made sure all the essential parts were washed. Afterwards, I grabbed my towel off the rack to dry off.

It was business as usual at first, until I went to dry off the Twins. The towel I was using still had the large "washing instructions" tag on it, and in my haste to get dry from the cold shower, I accidentally scraped the tag lengthwise against the Family Jewels. I winced and let out a brief cry of pain before dropping my towel and, for the second time in the same day, reached down and held my balls. I drew my hands back after a moment or two and noticed that there was some blood on them.

That's right, folks.

The tag from the towel gave me a slight papercut on the ol' Potato Sack. It didn't bleed much, but still... I got a papercut on my fucking balls.

The pain from both incidents have subsided for the most part. The cut hurts a little still, and because I don't want an infection down there, I'm going to have to have The Boss help me clean it when she gets home from work. Let me tell you how much I'm looking forward to that experience. It'll be one for the books, that's for damn sure.

I'm kind of scared to see what the rest of the day will hold for me and my anatomy. It's not even noontime yet and I've already had two injuries to 'em.

How's your day going?

32 Comments:

apathetic bliss said...

sounds like you need some protection...oh and BTW I am laughing with you and not at you....mostly

Aunt Becky said...

That's hot. And by hot I mean hilarious.

honeywine said...

How about a duct tape chastity belt? It could be very handy in an emergency like a day when your balls are constantly under attack! :)

Heather said...

Glad I don't have a pair of those. And actually, I'd prefer a cut to the sac rather than what I've endured this week.

Kat said...

Just don't put a band-aid on them! Aye-yi-yi!

Lola said...

Hehehehe, you said "fucking balls".

Jen W said...

I'm sorry for you but that does make one hilarous story!

scatterbrain said...

How many names have you got for them?

"You can't exactly continue on with your morning routine when you are doubled over on the floor, holding your crotch and moaning in pain."

I can't exactly continue on my morning routine when I'm doubled over on the floor holding my stomach and moaning with laughter!

Thank you for the belly-laugh Badass - I enjoy a bit of slapstick, I do :-D

Cape Cod Gal said...

I almost peed my pants I laughed so hard at this one!

Badass Geek said...

Apathetic Bliss: An athletic cup would have been handy.

Aunt Becky: I knew you'd enjoy this post!

Honeywine: I'm thinking more like armored plating.

Heather: Do you have cat scratch fever?

Kat: Hells no. Not down there!

Lola: I knew you'd find that funny!

Jen W: I like making people laugh, even if its at my own expense.

Scatterbrain: I've got plenty of names for 'em. A little variety never hurt anyone, right?

Cape Cod Gal: I'll put a "Depends" disclaimer next time.

Sus said...

HAhahah oh my god that is awful.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh but....


hahahahahahahahahahaha AH hahahahahahaha.

Moonspun said...

Oh my goodness! Someday, when the pain subsides, you'll laugh at the paper cut part...right?
Oh my!

Russ said...

Ouch.

I do hope your day got better (short of impaling yourself, how could it get worse?)

New, here, so far I'm enjoying it.

Badass Geek said...

Sus: Laugh it up! I can handle it!

Moonspun: Oh, I'm laughing at it now. It's not the first cut I've given myself down there, oddly enough.

Russ: I didn't hurt my Sperm Tanks again that day, so by default it improved. Glad you like it, please come back soon!

Rachelle said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry for your pain, but DAMN! That's frigging hilarious!

Employee No. 3699 said...

Sounds like you had a McSac Attack. Bwahahah!!!!

Employee No. 3699 said...

I had to come back...

....Ba da da da taaaa! I'm Nuttin' It!

and...

Would you like to Supersize your McTesticle Meal?

Sorry. I had to. Just know I love ya, BAG.

LilSass said...

hahahahahaha!

Badass Geek said...

Rachelle: Glad you found it so humorous! I did, too.

Employee No 3699: You are too much!

Lil Sass: I knew you'd enjoy this post.

Kimminentdanger said...

2 things that should never be near your balls:

1. A towel tag

2. A baby

Alan said...

Dude...you need a cup! Just don't ask me how it's you're supposed to use it...

http://alntv.wordpress.com/2009/07/14/upward-cup-vs-downward-cup/

analogmoon said...

OMG dude! You could have easily entitled this "How to tell your day is going to suck: You get a paper cut on your balls!" Ahhhhhh!!!

If it makes you feel any better I accidentally scratched my hoo-hoo today when I was trying to, uhm, wipe ;) not good...ouch....

funny read, dude...laughing near you, not *at* you :)

katie123123 said...

ok thats pretty funny and im not laughing at u most the time im laughing with u

Yake12 said...

LOL its like 1 am in my house and i just woke everyone up from laughing so hard that would suck so bad

sorry to hear about your balls :P

V said...

OMG thats hilarious! No worries Im nawt laffing @ u the WHOLE time - just most. ;D U couldve totally titled this post "How to Begin Your Day". LOL. But, hey, sry bout ur various names for ur crotch. :D

Pat Tillett said...

Hey there,
that was one of the funniest things I've read in a long long time. I don't even need to look any further. I'm signing on and will catch up soon. I saw your link at Jerry's place,(apocalypse now)
thanks!

Ally said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh sweet jeebus.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I found your blog from Chuch @ Apocolypse Now. He recommended this post. I have hit myself in the sack plenty of times but never got a papercut there. I once had poison ivy down there, that was no picnic. I am gonna follow you now.

Sam said...

LMAO.So glad I picked this post as my second read of your rather hilarious blog here-I am very sorry about the two heinous injuries to your 'anatomy'. Papercuts are indeed a bitch...

Love<~Peter~> said...

hey jack i love this blog lol here is the next clue to your hunt w and the next place you need to go is https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ax6A782jHP5rHUKrw57GVmAND1wipDKJcHGczSNwmbE/edit?hl=en#

Simply Kei said...

All I can say is ouch. But you do have a good narrative style, love the details.

The Diatribest said...

I snorted my coffee straight up my nose. Sorry for your pain, but now my nose will be clogged with Pumpkin flavored creamer all day.

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