Thursday, October 16, 2008

In Which I Write A Letter

Dear Female Employee at McDonalds,

I visited your place of business earlier this week, which is something that I rarely do. However, I wasn't having the best of days and decided that convenience weighed more on my Scale Of Importance than my cholesterol level. I opted to eat inside your establishment that is so loosely called a restaurant, which, the first being my choice of McDonalds over Burger King, proved to be my second mistake.

You see, had I gone to your competitor right across the street, I would have avoided this whole mess altogether. Alas, I chose your employer instead, and had the line at the drive-thru been not as long I would have missed interacting with you by means of a few degrees of separation. I strongly regret both of these decisions, because now I have to live with the memory of you until something more important comes along and replaces it.

I'm writing to you in these tones of frustration because you single-handedly coerced me to never again consider McDonalds as an option when looking for a quick meal. Your blank, apathetic stare from the behind the counter was unnerving as I browsed the menu. The rolling of your eyes when I requested "ketchup and pickles only, please" was both rude and immature, and I certainly didn't appreciate you tossing my soda cup at me. The seemingly intentional spillage of my fries on my tray was the straw that broke the camels back. The urge to reach over the counter and beat you with your Golden Arches visor was very strong, I assure you.

I'm sure you had your reasons why you were upset that day. Maybe it was the fact that you found out your boyfriend likes other guys more than he likes you. Maybe you were wearing your Thursday underwear despite it was a Tuesday. It could simply have been that you hate your job, but that doesn't give you the right to act immature and disrespectful, least of which to the paying customers who give your job a purpose.

I can sympathize a little with you, though, because I hate my job, too. However, I choose to internalize my hatred and drown it in alcohol and heavy metal music when my shift is over instead of directing it at the customers I interact with. I realize that working at McDonalds probably isn't the most enjoyable experience, but it beats the snot out of being unemployed. If you're not satisfied with your job, take control of your situation and get your McGED, already. With some time and effort, they might promote you to manager or something.

In closing, I want you to know that I look back at our interaction with great distaste. I'm regretting the time it has taken me to write this letter almost as much as I regret ever seeing you face to face. The fact that you had such an effect on me feels worse than my stomach did after leaving the restaurant. I hope you take my suggestions to heart, and know that I don't truly despise you as much as I say I do... Only about half as much.

Clearly not lovin' it,

Michael

P.S. Less than a week until the Contest deadline!

18 Comments:

Sus said...

Hahaha! Holy shit, that was classic! "Clearly NOT lovin' it." Hilarious.

Miss Grace said...

I'm always in a funk when I wear my Thursday unders on a Tuesday.

p.s. I'm carving pumpkins this weekend.

Moonspun said...

You should sent this letter to the manager at the McD's...trust me (as a former retail manager) they want to know these things...
I used to work at McDonald's in high school. Back when the uniforms were brown polyester, but that's not important.
My favorite job was to work taking orders in the drive through. We'd say "Welcome to Burger King" just to see if anyone was paying attention.

scatterbrain said...

Hilarious! I'm surprised you expected anything more.

Are you going to send it to her Manager? The way things are going, there'll be a queue of people-people waiting to take her job.

Have you had many competition entries?

Aunt Becky said...

I'm a regular at McDonald's (while pregnant) and I can tell you with absolute certainty that this is an anomaly for them. Normally, it's Wendy's that sucks so badly.

I want to punch people for you now.

Cape Cod Gal said...

Ugh! I had it when people hate their jobs and they project on to you. If you are so unhappy....QUIT!!! What would Ronald think!

The "unders" funk never bugs me 'cause I don't wear 'um!

Employee No. 3699 said...

Maybe she was in a bad mood because she flunked her McGED test.

Badass Geek said...

Sus: I hate that fucking slogan, anyways.

Miss Grace: Me, too. I hate it when I wear them out of order.

Moonspun: Yeah, I thought about sending it for real, but I didn't want to get a bunch of coupons I'd never use as compensation for my trouble.

Scatterbrain: I didn't really expect much, honestly, but still... Respect is nice.

Aunt Becky: I never have much luck at fast food places. Probably because I'm picky and always order things different.

Cape Cod Gal: You don't wear Day Of The Week underwear, or underwear at all?

Employee No 3699: Ah! I forgot about that option.

Sus said...

Yeah, you and me both.

Lola said...

McGED, hehehe! You should have accidentally squirted ketchup at her and screamed, "Take that, Bitch!"

Kat said...

You should have called over the McManager and expressed your McAnger over her lack of McManners.

Badass Geek said...

Sus: The little jingle that goes with it is almost as bad.

Lola: I thought about throwing something back, but I figured I should probably get my food first. Don't want any "special sauce" on my burger, you know?

Kat: I should have. Maybe I would have gotten my McMoney back.

Jen W said...

"The urge to reach over the counter and beat you with your Golden Arches visor was very strong"

Genius.

Heather said...

That's funny because our McDonalds is so fabulous you can get in the drive thru line that is wrapped around the building and still be driving away with hot food in 5 minutes or less. It's awesome. Around here, it's the BK that has slacky, can't give a shit service, with half their employees on break at once sitting in someone's car toking up. I am not joking, btw. The Wendy's is better but they always forget to give you something like sauce for your nuggets or napkins. Better that than piss poor service.

Badass Geek said...

Jen W: It was really hard to resist that urge, too. Like whoa.

Heather: If you want real service around here, you have to avoid the fast food. All of 'em suck, but BK is the least sucky.

The Mister said...

Fuckin A dude... fuckin A.

tysdaddy said...

My favorite thing to do is to quote Michael Douglas, from the movie Falling Down . . .

"You know the expression 'The customer is always right?' Well, her I am."

As a former McD's employee, I can safely say that customer service is no longer even in the top 10 priorities for the company . . .

muskrat said...

do you have a dog? i like to get back at bad customer service reps by taking a couple of my dog's turds to them, hidden inside a sandwich.

i say, "hey, i thought you'd like to try something different for lunch today. here's a homemade sandwich!"

then they bite down on white bread and dog shit.

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