Friday, December 19, 2008

In Which I Have A Near Death Experience

Dear Novice Driver,

You probably don't remember me, but I wouldn't expect you to. Our interaction a few days ago was fairly brief, and I'm sure the memory of the incident didn't last any longer in your mind than you probably last at your peak performance during sex (does thirty-seven seconds sound about right?). Either you are severely impatient or you had more "important" places to be, but that doesn't justify your lack of regard for the safety of other's on the road.

Since I'm assuming you have no idea what I'm talking about, you are the asshole who nearly ran me off the road earlier this month. We were driving on Route 35, and I was the guy driving the green Ford F-150. You were in the tricked-out Honda Civic. The fact that you, a resident of the state of Maine, drive a lowered Civic with a body kit, on racing tires with huge rims, in the month of December, gives clear indication of your lack of foresight, but that is beside the point. My issue is how you thought it was acceptable to pass not just myself, but the two other cars behind me, while on a single lane road.

In my rear view mirror, I saw you pull out to the left of the car in front of you. I heard the sound of your car's puny engine as you floored the gas pedal. As the orange flames painted on your hood grew larger, I realized that you weren't passing just one vehicle. In a matter of seconds, you passed both of the cars behind me, and were soon close enough to me that I could see your flat-rimmed baseball cap (jaunted to one side) and the cigarette tucked behind your ear. With a motion as smooth as an epileptic mid-seizure, you swerved back into the right lane, coming within a foot of my front bumper. You suddenly slowed down, and I slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting you. Without even so much as a turn signal, you quickly pulled off onto another road, and were gone.

My first complaint is obviously the fact that you endangered the lives of three innocent people by your actions. My second complaint is that you broke numerous traffic laws, such as passing in a non-passing zone, exceeding the speed limit, and failing to use a turn signal. My third complaint is that a rail-thin, wanna-be gansta white boy YANKEE'S FAN in a pimped-out-at-Wal*Mart Honda Civic nearly brought about my untimely demise.

Do you realize how difficult it is to get a two-ton pickup truck to stop suddenly, especially one with 500-pounds of extra weight in the bed? Do you realize that you could have caused a four-car pile-up by your impatience? Do you realize that by passing three cars, breaking numerous traffic laws along the way, that you got to your destination a mere thirty seconds faster than you would have if you had been patient? Was it really worth the risk? I guess you needed a different adrenaline fix, since peeking at your geriatric neighbor in the shower doesn't give you a thrill anymore.

I don't want you to think I am still angry at you. Sure, when this happened I swore at you, called you a litany of offensive names and gave you the finger, but I'm over it now. I realize that you were probably in a hurry to get home so you could make love to a tube sock. Maybe you were rushing to get to the post office to see if your penis enlargement pills had come in yet. I can understand being excited about those things, since I'm sure those are the only things you have to look forward to in life, but next time, be more careful.

To keep things fair, the next time I see you on the road I'm going to try to run you off into a ditch... Just so you can see what it feels like. Payback is a bitch, isn't it?

Respectfully yours,



Kat said...

I hate discourteous drivers. I would have flipped him the bird as he drove by.

Sus said...

You know it's funny that you would mention tube sock lovin' in your post. My husband and I were just joking about that this morning.

Lola said...

Don't you just wish you were a cop when someone is pulling that kind of shit on the road!

It would be so fun to lose it on idiot drivers!

Aunt Becky said...

What a weenis. Oh yes, I said WEENIS.

areason2write said...

yikes - it's too bad he'll probably never find this post - maybe you can read it at his funeral - he is sure to have one soon driving like that!

Heather said...

It's times like that you wish you had a gun rack in your truck.

Miss Grace said...

I hate asshole drivers.

Cape Cod Gal said...

Honey, I'm very sorry. Next time I'll be more careful. Glad you liked the flames!

Jen W said...

Tube sock- hee hee

tony said...

I remember tube sock loving...uh, I'm kidding...yeah that was a joke...haha...a joke

Seriously though the same thing happened to me this morning and I thought I would blog about it, but since I could never write something as good as this I'll skip that my case it was a young girl in a red sports car.

splodge said...

This type of brainless ‘driver’ usually walks away unhurt in a pile up.

Moonspun said...

Wait, do people really soup up CIVICS?

Badass Geek said...

Kat: Oh, believe me... I did.

Sus: Tube sock lovin' isn't all that bad, if you don't have any other option. Not that I would know...

Lola: I thought about chasing him down and giving him a beat down, but I wouldn't want to have to call The Boss to come bail me out of jail.

Aunt Becky: He is a WEENIS.

A Reason 2 Write: I'll print it out and stick it under his wiper blade the next time I see him.

Heather: Or a roof-mounted rocket launcher.

Miss Grace: Me, too.

Cape Cod Gal: That was you? You don't look as... female... as I thought you would.

Jen W: I'm thinking that was a fairly good guess, as far as his extracurricular activities go.

Tony: Dude, write about it. I'll read it.

Splodge: You're right. It's totally unfair.

Moonspun: Around here, its the most popular souped-up car you see. It's quite pathetic.

Pamela said...

It's always the skinny little fuckers in the pimped out Civics. And old men with hats.

And the old tube sock. I was wondering when someone would bring sexy tube socks back.

Post a Comment