Friday, January 16, 2009

In Which I Am Frozen Solid

Anyone who has turned on the news in the past couple of days has seen reports of how cold it has been in some areas of the country. To say that it was cold outside this morning, at -24 degrees (that's air temperature, not accounting for windchill), would be an understatement. Put it this way... I spit on the ground, and in less than ten seconds it was frozen. That is pretty damn cold, if you ask me.

For those of you who have never experienced cold like this, I really can't explain it with enough accuracy, other than to say that it's just simply and utterly cold. Add in some wind to drop the temperature even more, and you wouldn't be crazy to call it fucking cold. Since cold weather affects different people in different ways, let me mention a couple of things that happen to the (male) human body when exposed to such frigid temperatures:
  • Your nose hairs freeze,
  • Your nipples become hard and threaten to cut through your shirt,
  • Your eyes water in the cold wind, and the tears freeze on your face,
  • Big Willy and The Twins shrink and shrivel up inside you,
  • The joints in your knees and ankles creak nosily,
  • All coordination is lost in the hands from wearing gloves.
Luckily we haven't had much snow up here in Maine this week, so I haven't had to spend a lot of time outside. It is pretty dangerous to be outside for extended periods of time, in these conditions. The talking heads on the news say that it has been a long time since we've had temperatures this cold here in Maine, and I believe it. It seems crazy to look forward to temperatures being in the 10's and 20's, as is the forecast for the next couple of days, but that would feel balmy and comfortable after a day like today. 

Here's a look at the current temperature where I live:

There was a 89 degree difference in temperature, from inside my apartment to the outside temperature. I went outside dressed in six layers, and I was still cold. 

Doesn't that make you want to move here? 


Cape Cod Gal said...

Its 4 degrees here on the Cape. 4!!!! And that's in the sun!

Russ said...

Hey, it's a balmy 16 here in Charlotte, NC! There's a reason I moved south of the Mason Dixon line, so I could avoid temps like this.

Oh, it's supposed to be 5 tomorrow morning. Although, I suppose that won't illicit too much sympathy.

So much for coming south to escape the cold...

MIT Mommy said...

Sounds all too familiar. I recall the first time I experienced it. I jumped quickly into my car and realized that the drivers' seat cushion was frozen. The snap covers on my coat all broke off.

Everyone at the gym that morning complained because the lotion in the gymbags they left in their trunk was frozen.


MadWoman said...

Gosh...its 34 F here and people are still bitching they're cold (me included). Suddenly I have this overwhelming urge to move to Maine.

Sus said...

That blows!

It's 21 degrees here. I think I might lay out and get a tan!

Miss Grace said...

We've had sunny mid-70s all week, predicted to last through Tuesday (insert smug Californian smile here).

Heather said...

It's in the negs here too w/o wind chill factor. I am so totally moving south.

Moonspun said...

I've got you beat. It was -25 degrees here this morning. So there! Plus neither of our cars started and so we had to wait for AAA to come.
Oh and if your balls are shrinking and your nose hairs freeze,imagine how cold my damn alumninum crutches feel! Even through my warm LL Bean coat!

Jen W said...

You have me beat. It's only -11 here today.

Captain Dumbass said...

I so don't miss that weather. My favourite is when you come in from outside and you gotta go. Nothing wakes you up quite like the cold embrace of popsicle fingers.

Kat said...

It is a nice balmy 45 degrees here today in England. Sorry you are freezin your nuts off dude.

My word verification was tryin to tell me somethin?

Aunt Becky said...

It's just as lovely here, my friend. It's supposed to be the coldest AND snowiest winter in recent years.

I'm suddenly thankful to be pregnant with my own furnace.

Lola said...

Let's just all give Grace a smack, shall we!

MA isn't quite that cold, but I'm wearing my furry boots in the house because I'm still freezing from going out to the garage two hours ago to recycle some papers and magazines. Winter sucks ass!

Badass Geek said...

Cape Cod Gal: Sounds nice!

Russ: No, not much sympathy.

MIT Mommy: I accidentally left my gloves in my truck overnight. My hands were warmer without them on.

MadWoman: You'd be crazy to do that this time of year.

Sus: Don't forget the suntan lotion!

Miss Grace: *scowl*

Heather: Me, too.

Moonspun: Yeah, that would be uncomfortable. No, thanks.

Jen W: Booyah!

Captain Dumbass: Agreed. The dreaded popsicle fingers makes everything else down there shrink even more.

Kat: My nuts appreciate your sympathy.

Aunt Becky: A fetus furnace, eh? 'Tis convenient for this time of year.

Lola: It does suck ass. A big, hairy ass, at that.

Jess said...

I think I am going to stay riiiiiggghhhht here.

Even though it IS going to be 22 tonight, I will still take THAT over any negative degrees.

I have to go and put on an extra pair of socks now.

splodge said...

Wow that is cold!

I couldn't live there - 6 layers of clothing wouldn't be a look I'd go for.

And stop that spitting - dirty boy!

splodge said...

Too much information!...on some items, ;-) but interesting and fun lists. Just perfect weekend reading.

P.S. Did you reply to your tweets saying you DID want to increase your love stick? Just asking.

Badass Geek said...

Jess: Extra socks, and long underwear.

Splodge: The spitting was only as a science experiment, I promise! And no, I don't need to increase the size of my love stick. I like it just fine.

Laura said...

I lived in the middle east for years; in all of that time I never had to put the lining on my raincoat. That's weather I can relate to, but -24 that feels like -24 (whatever that means) no way. And, if standing in the frozen food aisle is too cold for me, I'm sure that that would be much worse.

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