Thursday, January 1, 2009

In Which I Do Things Differently

If you are anything like me, you are tired of reading blog entries about people's New Year's Resolutions. Don't worry, that's not what this post is going to be. I'm not making or writing down any real resolutions this year for two reasons: I don't enjoy feeling like I failed myself, and I kind of already wrote a post like that a few weeks ago.

While I'm not going to subject you to more of the same torture by way of listing resolutions, I am going to talk about some things that I will do differently in 2009...
  • I will put on my pants with my left leg first, instead of my right.
  • I will alternate picking my nose between my left and right index finger.
  • When sitting on the couch with The Boss, I'll aim my farts at her instead of away.
  • I will shave more than once every quarter-year.
  • I will ignore The Boss' pleas to not burp in the cat's face.
  • I will say what I mean, and mean what I say. 
  • I will let my voicemail answer call's from family members who I don't care to talk to at that moment.
  • I will sing along to music while driving without holding my cellphone to my ear so it seems that I'm actually talking on the phone, not singing.
  • I will blame my lack of politically correctness on ignorance.
  • After dealing with asshole doctor's at work, instead of fuming silently, I will page their beeper's to telephone numbers for explicit phone sex.
  • I will not tolerate watching anything that has, in any capacity, Ms Looks-Like-A-Foot herself, Sarah Jessica Parker.
  • I will not feel guilty saying "No" when my employer calls me on my day off and asks me to work.
  • I will stay up to watch the ball drop on New Year's Eve next year, instead of going to bed before 10pm.
I've never been one to celebrate the new year. The last time I truly celebrated it, The Boss and I had only been dating for about a week, which would be four years ago now. We had our first kiss that night. I can't be entirely sure about this, as no one was timing it and there wasn't a representative from the Guinness Book present, but it was quite possibly the world's fastest kiss. We were both nervous for it, but it was a memorable night because of it. 

It was additionally memorable because I accidentally spilled my drink on her lap and somehow managed to drop a slice of pizza (with extra sauce) on her left boob. Whenever she wants to embarrass me, The Boss will bring up that night. I was apparently a little off my game that night. But, at least we have the memories.

I hope that everyone who partied and drank last night had fun, and that those who didn't party are managing to control their smug grins as they talk loudly around those who have hangovers. 


Moonspun said...

Ok so I think that the idea of paging the doctors to sex lines is fantastic, very original!
I am sure that all the bodily functions you want to do will work well, especially farting towards the Boss. One can only imagine her revenge!
Years ago, my high school love spilled popcorn all over me during the first movie we went to. And stained my favorite pants. I didn't care.
I'd be that you know the Boss well enough now that if you spilled something on her left boob, say if it was bare, you'd get to lick if off...right?

Aunt Becky said...

Damn! And I was going to do AN ENTIRE POST on my resolutions. Detailed as shit. And now you're telling me you don't want to read it and I am crying into my chips. Actually I'm not. Nor do I have a single resolution for '09 besides DON'T DIE. Seems to be wise.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I thought I was the only one that did the cell phone singing thing! Glad you're crazy like me!

Happy New Year!!!

Kat said...

I sing in my car with no inhibition. I have no shame in my game.

Miss Grace said...

Happy 2009!

Lola said...

I always burp in the cats' and dogs' faces. I love the look they give me. And the cell phone thing, WTF? Driving and singing your ass off go hand in hand.

I don't know, man, some of that sounded like resolutions to me...

Oh, and I did have a hangover or something, thank you very much!

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: Whenever we're sitting on the couch together, she always farts in my direction. I guess this would just be returning the favor.

Aunt Becky: Not dying is a good thing to hope for. Let me know if you have any trouble with that.

Cape Cod Gal: We are like kindred spirits of crazy.

Kat: I think it's "acceptable" for the ladies to sing in their cars, but not so much for the men-folk.

Miss Grace: Thanks! You too! Are you hiding from something in your new profile pic?

Lola: Yeah, I tried to play them off as non-resolutions. You caught me. And a hangover or something? I hope you're feeling better.

splodge said...

I'm the one on the receiving end of the farts and burps in our house.

Post a Comment