Friday, January 30, 2009

In Which I Get Felt Up

Anyone who knew me in high school knew that I lived a very sheltered life. My parents didn't do it to be cruel, but rather so they could keep my sisters and I away from "negative influences" and provide what they felt to be a good environment for us to grow up in. At the time I didn't feel sheltered, but as I've mentioned a few times throughout the archives of this blog, the shock of being exposed to the Real World when I began college was a life-changing. 

Despite all the quick-learning I had to do to get "caught up" from my sheltered up-bringing, I didn't really care that I had almost no knowledge of popular music or movies, or that I didn't know who Kurt Cobain was. The thing that set me back the most was that, other than a darkened hallway kiss, I had no experience with the physical side of relationships. Had I been granted a little more freedom and knowledge before being set loose, I would have saved myself a lot of embarrassment. 

I didn't set out to, but by the end of my first semester of college, I had learned a lot about all that I had been missing in high school. I made out with a girl for the first time, grabbed my first boob, and got my first handjob and blowjob. I kissed with tongue, learned cunnilingus, and lost my virginity. Throughout the rest of that year I learned that while physical intimacy is an important facet to a relationship, one needs to have a solid emotional relationship, too. I learned that perhaps a little too late, but my scars are good reminders of lessons learned. 

The following fall semester I started dating the girl who would become The Boss. She told me that she was still a virgin and wanted to stay that way until she was married. There was no religious motive, just her own personal declaration. I was fine with that, and on my honor we were not intimate until we got married 18 months later. When the spring semester ended, we both moved home, two hours apart. I would drive to her parents house as often as I could. Up to this point, there was nothing more than light make-out sessions, despite what my parents might have thought. All of that changed that summer we were apart, and we began to do Other Things. Part of that, combined with my lack of knowledge as a direct result of my sheltered life, is what led to me going to the ER late one night. 

The first night I stayed over at The Boss' house, we fooled around as quietly as we could. Things got pretty hot and heavy, but before we reached The Point Of No Return we kissed goodnight and went to bed. I had a slight pain in my groin, but didn't think much of it. I slept fitfully that night because of it. The pain was still present in the morning, and somehow seemed to have worsened. The pain was so severe by that afternoon that I decided that I had to go home. Midway home I decided that I couldn't bear the pain anymore. I drove to the local Emergency Room and checked myself in. 

I didn't have to wait too long before a doctor came in to see me. I gave him the full story, about how I had just moved back home from college, had lifted heavy boxes the previous day, not sure what might be causing the pain, etc. The doctor snapped on a latex-free glove and told me to drop my pants. Before I knew exactly what was happening, the doctor was feeling around Down There with his cold hands.

He poked and prodded, and told me to turn my head and cough. There was some more general shifting of my Man Parts, and I was beginning to think I should have asked him to take me to dinner first. I'm not normally this easy, I'd say. Will you still be here in the morning? I was doing my best to remain distracted from the fact that another man was fiddling with my junk when the doctor stood up and removed his glove.

"Well, I don't think you have a hernia. That was my initial thought, given your recent activities. There does seem to be some swelling in your testicles, but nothing that I am overly concerned about," the doctor said, washing his hands. "The swelling should go down on its own, but if it doesn't go away within the next 12 hours, you might need to help it along yourself."

Still trying to erase the memory of another man's hands on Big Willie and The Twins, I looked at him blankly. "I guess I don't understand what you mean," I said.

The doctor shuffled his feet and looked over his shoulder. "May I speak to you frankly?"


"Son, you have blue-balls. It's a build-up of fluids and pressure from over-stimulation and lack of orgasm."

"Oh." I looked down at the floor, and hurriedly finished zipping up my pants. 

"It's a perfectly normal thing to happen, and it can be considerably painful," the doctor continued, making notes on my chart. "Like I said, things should improve gradually, but you would benefit from helping it along yourself. Do you understand what I mean?"

"I do," I said, still staring down. My belt had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the room. "But, doctor? I'm living at my parents house for the summer, and helping it along myself isn't exactly... possible. The Christian walls are thin, if you know what I mean."

The doctor looked at me for a moment, his eyes sympathetic. "Right. Yes, of course. I'll get you something for the pain."

I left the ER shortly after, slightly hunched over from the pain and feeling used and slightly dirty. Also in my possession was two very important things: a handful of Vicodin and the priceless knowledge that too much dry humping can lead to some serious pain.


Moonspun said...

Oh my friend, is it wrong of me to have chuckled at your blue ball misfortune? Because I felt both mirth, sympahthy, general amusement and thankfulness you found a sympathetic doctor.

Daddy Files said...

Holy shitballs! Dude, the more I learn about you the more I am in awe of you. You withstood 18 months of no sex??? You are like a saint combined with a superhero or some such combination. It's even more astounding because you said you were a virgin until you entered college. I had only slept with one person when I entered college and then BAM -- I made up for it like a madman. I was out of control. It was like I needed sex to breathe. Like I was a sex tornado ravaging everything and everyone in my path.

The fact that you got a taste of it, then found the Boss and then WAITED 18 MONTHS to have sex again leaves me dumbfounded.

You should be a Zen master teaching the secrets of the universe to people. God knows I could NEVER have done that. Ever.

Russ said...

Very similar experience here. Only I "discovered" blue balls while playing ultimate Frisbee. Nothing like running around to awaken the nerves. (I had a protected childhood too.)

Employee No. 3699 said...

Daddy Files is in awe of you for not having sex for 18 months. I am in awe of you for the way you just put it all out there and share with us.

Oh and like Moonspun, I did stifle a giggle when the doctor told you you had blue balls. Sorry.

Lola said...

What's with all this stifling giggles crap? I laughed my ass off at your backed-up balls being manhandled!

Too bad you didn't know me back then. I could have diagnosed you over the phone and prescribed a good old nature walk.

gingermagnolia said...

That story was hilarious. That's one you'll have to tell your future sons.

Tony said...

dude, this is the funniest thing I've read today - man, I don't know that I've ever read a man's story about blue balls. I'm laughing quietly here, trying not to attract attention at work. They might ask me what's so funny and I'll have to answer "Badass Geek's Blue Ball."

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: No, it is not wrong. I laugh heartily each time I remember it.

Daddy Files: I am a sex camel, my friend.

Russ: Yeah, that sounds just about as uncomfortable.

Employee No 3699: No apologies needed. I don't mind people laughing at me, especially when I share the story willingly.

Lola: That would have saved me the embarrassment, but I enjoyed the Vicodin.

Ginger Magnolia: I definitely will share that story. What better way to educate them?

Tony: Nothing like a story about blue balls to get your morning started, eh?

areason2write said...

you are indeed a badass - this was hysterical!

splodge said...

Oh Badass - thank you for this post - I had everyone in the house telling me to 'shaddap' 'cos I was laughing so loudly I almost choked and I have tears streaming down my face. It was the paragraph about the doc examining you.

You're a gentleman. I had no idea that it was called 'blue balls'.

pamajama said...

Holy crap. I came to visit from Keltic Kaos and I'm dumb-founded. I had no idea that blue balls could get to the point of an actual medical condition. But then I can't imagine not being able to masturbate in your parents' home, either. Wow. Different universe!

Heather said...

"Big" Willie?

Pamela said...

Wow. Me and the Mister got all matrimonified six months after we started dating. We would not have made it a whole 18. Sorry to have snickered at your pain.

Badass Geek said...

A Reason 2 Write: It was not funny then, only now to look back at it.

Splodge: There is a more technical term for the condition, but I think "blue balls" says it best.

Pamajama: It was possible, but it had to be done quietly. I could tell that wasn't going to happen that night.

Heather: Oh, okay. "Average-sized" willie.

Pamela: I have balls of steel, apparently. And no problem about the snickering. If I didn't want that, I wouldn't have written it.

cocokrispybeans said...

Hey. I'm a loyal lurker via Lola, but I had to out myself to say: this made me laugh until I was literally choking.

I'm sorry my first comment had to be to laugh at your pain. Really. But it's so true.

Badass Geek said...

Cocokrispybeans: No worries, my friend. Glad I could bring out a laugh!

daria said...

Hahaha, I especially enjoyed the wikapedia link and all the pictures depicting cunnilingus. And sorry about the blue balls, that sucks man. Luckily you're now married, so hopefully this type of incident won't happen again, right? ;)

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