Thursday, January 15, 2009

In Which I Make A Decision

Every once and while at the BAG household, a situation will present itself. The situation, sometimes unpleasant in nature, usually requires prompt resolution by either myself or The Boss.

Applicable situations include, but are not limited to the following:
  • Who gets out of bed to shut the bedroom light off at night,
  • Who reprimands the cat when he's gotten into something,
  • Who decides what to have for dinner,
  • Who chooses what to watch on TV,
  • Who takes the trash out,
  • Who loads or unloads the dishwasher,
  • Who cleans the catbox, etc
As is most often the case, neither one of us jumps at the opportunity to attend to the situation. Thus, a time-honored method is used to mediate the problem:

We take this very seriously. 

The victor of the best-two-out-of-three round challenge gets to gloat about their success, while the loser begrudgingly attends to the situation at hand. For example, here is a run-down of last night's challenge. The loser of said challenge must get out of the warm, toasty bed and shut the bedroom light off.

Because we know each other's tactics so well, the first couple rounds end up in a tie with both of us throwing rock. I make an ill-advised move and lose the next round to scissors-beating-paper. The next round immediately following my loss I throw a change up rock-beating-scissors, tying the score 1-1. 

In the third and final round, the tension in the room is palpable. We count off to deliver the final throw, and...

The Boss delivers a lethal blow of scissors-beating-paper, and lets out a primal yell of victory.  

She snuggles up with the blankets, and there is no exchange of words as I throw back the covers and get out of bed. I switch off the light, and get back into bed. My side of the bed is now ice-cold.

As I lean in to kiss The Boss goodnight, I notice the smug grin on her face. I smile back at her, and kiss her gently.

"Goodnight, Mike. I love you," she said.

I shut off my bedside lamp, and the room falls into darkness. We lay there in silence, ready for sleep...

... when I shatter the silence with a bedspring-rattling fart. 

The Boss groans in disgust and flaps the covers up and down to get rid of the horrid, eye-watering smell. The rush of cool air floods in, removing any warmth that might once have been.

Settling in once the smell dissipates, The Boss kicks me hard in the shin.


It is now my turn to smile smugly.

"I love you, too." 


Cape Cod Gal said...

Awesome revenge. Did you plan it or was it just luck?

areason2write said...

Does this explain the red splotches on the ceiling? A game of rock-paper-scissors gone horribly wrong - or toxic fallout. Hmmmmm.

Jen W said...

I prefer to lock in the odor within the sheets and seal it in rather than have to smell it with the waving of the sheets.

Heinous said...

and touche...well played, my friend, well played.

Pamela said...

I'm a Keep It Under The Covers kind of girl, too. Keeps the suffering to a minimum.

Sus said...

Hahah that sounds like Jeremy and me!

x said...

Dude! I love this. We ALWAYS rock paper scissors it out. Good to know we're not alone.

p.s. Ew!

Miss Grace said...

Man you fight a dirty fight.

Sarah+2girls said...

That is HILARIOUS!! I was not expecting the fart at the end and you really did make me laugh out loud.

Kat said...

I am now laughing so hard MY eyes are watering. Nice one. I swear you and my husband are twins separated at birth and a few years.

Lola said...

Nicely played, man! Lucky for my husband, I have no patience for rock-paper-scissors and I just get things done. Time is money, especially when it comes to sleep.

Badass Geek said...

Cape Cod Gal: I wasn't holding in the fart for revenge, but since I was planning on firing up the Dutch Oven anyways, it just fit perfectly.

A Reason 2 Write: I'll bet on the fallout. Such a tragic story.

Jen W: That method is also effective, but I was trying to make her cold AND smell the horrid fart.

Heinous: Thank you, kind sir.

Pamela: I prefer to share.

Sus: I'm sure we are like many other couples out there, sharing the love.

X: Awesome! There truly is no other way to decide things.

Miss Grace: Yes, but I felt better afterwards.

Sarah+2Girls: Glad you enjoyed it! This is pretty much a bi-weekly ritual for us.

Kat: I knew he had to be hiding around somewhere.

Lola: I am that way too, with some situations, but when it involves getting out of a nice warm bed? I'll take my chances.

Jess said...

Ok. Seriously? You just described in perfect detail the goings on at my house on a regular basis. The only difference is that I win. But in the end, I still get the dutch oven, so really? Does it make a difference that I win the game??

Moonspun said...

That's great. Nothing like a fart revenge...I laughed aloud at this.

Tony said...

that was funny - I love fart posts, but after reading my blog you probably already guessed thatk

Kat said...

You have an award waiting over at my place.

Badass Geek said...

Jess: For bragging rights, yes, the wins still matter. I guess the Dutch Oven is just part of the dance.

Moonspun: Farts are the best kind of revenge.

Tony: I knew you'd enjoy this one. =)

Kat: Sweet!

Employee No. 3699 said...

Bwa-ha-ha! Great come back.

Aunt Becky said...


Did you know that they have R-P-S tournies in Vegas? Because you guys should totally go.

Badass Geek said...

Employee No 3699: There might be no greater comeback than that.

Aunt Becky: I have heard that they actually compete in RPS. I suck at it, so I probably wouldn't waste my time in going.

splodge said...

Thanks for the chuckle!

As my husband does all the farting in our bedroom (unbelievably densely, putrid ones) he gets to make up for it by doing the bulk of the unpleasant tasks. He knows his place!

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