Have you ever tried with all your strength to turn that frown upside down, but to no avail?
Have you ever needed something, nay, anything, to help bring you out of that funk?
Look no further, my friends, for I have created the perfect solution:
Metallica brand Whoopie Pies (patent pending) is the only product scientifically proven to lift you out of that seemingly irreversible bad mood, by combining angry metal music with a popular and delicious chocolate dessert. No other product has been proven to be more effective at relieving anger and stress in a risk-free way, in clinical trials performed by a (very) partial third-party.
Directions For Use:
- Open box, and remove CD.
- Insert CD into stereo, and select track one, "Fuel".
- Consume one (1) whoopie pie while listening to the song. Be sure to chew thoroughly to avoid choking. If desired, keep a glass of milk nearby to quench thirst.
- If the calming affect is not achieved after one (1) song and one (1) whoopie pie, repeat steps above, substituting track one for the next track on the CD, "Sad But True".
- If there is still no relief after two (2) songs and two (2) whoopie pies, please stop. DO NOT OVER INDULGE. Contact your physician or therapist.
I can personally vouch that Metallica brand Whoopie Pies are extremely effective, especially when pissed off at your boss for being a rude, condescending bastard.
Give 'em a try, but use in moderation.
P.S. Please forgive my lame Photoshopping skills. This was a quick mock-up, as I'm still waiting for Metallica to get back to me with their response to my endorsement deal.