Saturday, January 3, 2009

In Which I Seek Therapy

Have you ever had a bad day, or been pissed off at all the stupid people in your life?

Have you ever tried with all your strength to turn that frown upside down, but to no avail?

Have you ever needed something, nay, anything, to help bring you out of that funk?

Look no further, my friends, for I have created the perfect solution:

Metallica brand Whoopie Pies (patent pending) is the only product scientifically proven to lift you out of that seemingly irreversible bad mood, by combining angry metal music with a popular and delicious chocolate dessert. No other product has been proven to be more effective at relieving anger and stress in a risk-free way, in clinical trials performed by a (very) partial third-party. 

Directions For Use: 
  1. Open box, and remove CD. 
  2. Insert CD into stereo, and select track one, "Fuel".
  3. Consume one (1) whoopie pie while listening to the song. Be sure to chew thoroughly to avoid choking. If desired, keep a glass of milk nearby to quench thirst.
  4. If the calming affect is not achieved after one (1) song and one (1) whoopie pie, repeat steps above, substituting track one for the next track on the CD, "Sad But True".
  5. If there is still no relief after two (2) songs and two (2) whoopie pies, please stop. DO NOT OVER INDULGE. Contact your physician or therapist.
I can personally vouch that Metallica brand Whoopie Pies are extremely effective, especially when pissed off at your boss for being a rude, condescending bastard.

Give 'em a try, but use in moderation. 

P.S. Please forgive my lame Photoshopping skills. This was a quick mock-up, as I'm still waiting for Metallica to get back to me with their response to my endorsement deal.

10 Comments:

Cape Cod Gal said...

Is is wrong that I got a sexual charge from that??? Metallica, whoopie pies and milk? OMG! Damp panties alert!!!

I think I would choose Sanitarium, though. I love the intro.

Aunt Becky said...

I had no idea that Whoopie pies were still made. Sounds delicious.

Sus said...

This is fucking brilliant!

I just downloaded the Death Magnetic album so play on Guitar Hero. SWEET!

I know, it would be sweeter if I could play these on an ACTUAL guitar. But, I will take what I can get.

gingermagnolia said...

Hmmm, intriguing. Maybe I should try that...

Badass Geek said...

Cape Cod Gal: Yeah, I think there might be something just a little wrong with you... Only because of the items involved.

Aunt Becky: Yeah, I had one last night. It was glorious.

Sus: Don't make me jealous- oh, wait. Too late. I'M JEALOUS.

Ginger Magnolia: It works, I promise.

Kat said...

*drools like homer simpson*

splodge said...

You'll have to market them in the UK as well - I know several people who, if they weren't so stupid I could explain to them how stupid they are! Grr!

What d'you mean lame photoshopping skills? That's very good.

Lola said...

Put a bottle of red in that,and I'm onboard!

Moonspun said...

At least you advocate moderation by stopping at two.
You are so creative.

Badass Geek said...

Kat: Need a napkin?

Splodge: The image didn't come out as well as I would have liked, but I ran out of time and patience. Thanks, though!

Lola: Would wine and whoopie pies go together? I guess, with enough wine, anything tastes good.

Moonspun: It's best not to over-indulge... Unless it's been one hell of a day.

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