Wednesday, January 7, 2009

In Which I'm Not Like Mel Gibson

I never thought I'd ever have to say this, but I am not like Mel Gibson. And by saying that, I mean more than the obvious reasons (ie, that I'm not an actor, I don't know what women want, and I did not have a huge part in the graphic retelling of the birth and subsequent death of Jesus in ancient Arabic with English subtitles). I mean it in the sense that I never make remarks that can be viewed as anti-Semitic.

Except this one time.

Late last week, The Boss and I went out to dinner as a late celebration of our four-year anniversary. I had a long day at work, and perhaps I wasn't thinking clearly. When our food arrived, I couldn't help but stare at what was placed in front of me:

I know that isn't the clearest picture, but am I crazy to see a swastika? Right there, formed out of delicious bacon, on top of my hamburger? 

In the middle of the restaurant, I cried out, "Holy shit, there's a fucking swastika on my burger!"

The Boss, shocked, dropped her silverware on the table with a clatter. "What?"

"Right there. On my fucking burger. A swastika!"

A pause.

"Oh my god, you're right!"

We sat there in silence, trying to stifle our laughter. 

"I hope there aren't any Jew's around, lest they get offended," I said, not truly aware that there were other people sitting in booths around us.

The Boss glared at me and whispered harshly, "Keep your voice down!"

"I'm sorry... I just didn't know that I ordered the Anti-Semitism burger. I think I got the wrong plate. Wait, is Hitler here? Or Mel Gibson?" I looked around the restaurant.

In a fit of laughter, The Boss forces a mouthful of Pepsi up her nose. 

"And the swastika is made out of bacon! That's another nail in the coffin! A swastika made out of a non-kosher food product forbidden by Jews!" I exclaimed. 

A felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see our server, looking very serious. 

"Sir, is there a problem with your food?" she asked with a grave look on her face.

"No, there's no problem. It's just... there's... well, look! At the bacon!" I stuttered, pointing at my plate.

Barely glancing at it, she said, "I see the resemblance, Sir, but I must ask you to keep your voice down. You're disturbing the other patrons." She glanced nervously at a family in the corner of the restaurant. "If you'd like, I can get you another burger without... the bacon."

"No, no... This one is fine. I'll be quiet."

The server smiles, and turns to The Boss. "How is everything with your food?"

"Fine. Just fine," The Boss said, her face turning a deep shade of embarrassed red.

"Glad to hear it. Enjoy your meal." The server turns and walks away.

The Boss and I sit in silence for a few moments. I'm looking down at my plate, trying hard not to smile. As I reach for the ketchup bottle near the salt and pepper shakers, The Boss clears her throat.

I look up, and I see The Boss staring at me, her arms folded across her chest. From her eyes came a look like cold, razor-sharp daggers that would have killed me if mere looks had the power to. 

"Don't say another word. Just eat your fucking Nazi-burger."

I did. 

And even though I felt bad for saying those politically incorrect and uncouth things, that burger was delicious. 


Cape Cod Gal said...

OMG! You and Big K would get along famously! He would see something like that and comment on it at the top of his lungs, embarass me and the all of the others in the restaurant!

areason2write said...

it sounds like you are better than Mel Gibson - unless of course you got a DUI on your way home. Then you might be just the same. Where was Debbie during all of this?

Sus said...

Was the bacon charred? Or did it just have a gaseous sort of taste to it?


Anonymous said...

The Best mohammed T-shirt art is from Sweden. Watch and read the info at,

LilSass said...

Well, as the resident non-Jew Jew over here, that swastika is going backwards - in that the arm-like thingies are going counter clockwise. Which was often used in ancient Buddhist texts. SOOOOO, that means you actually ate a beef product with pork and dairy on top, ALL of which Buddhists are totally against.

Needless to say, shit's gettin' crazy up in Maine! ... You racist bastards ;-)

Hahaha hilarious!

Miss Grace said...

I don't think that was politically incorrect. I think you clearly stated your position as anti-Nazi burger.

Badass Geek said...

Cape Cod Gal: There is just no other way to do it.

A Reason 2 Write: No, there was no DUI, thankfully. And Debbie? She stayed home... Something about "cramps".

Sus: You didn't just joke about the Holocaust, did you? But no, it tasted just as bacon should: heavenly.

Anonymous: I'm sure you're right. Those Swedes are creative.

Lil Sass: Well, yeah, I knew it was backwards, but what do you expect for a piece of bacon?

Miss Grace: Phew! I was worried.

Jen W said...

first of all, it that LilSass commented on the backwards nature of the bacon. I love that girl!

Secondly, I can't believe you got scolded by your server.

Lastly, The Boss is quite witty!

baseballmom said...

OMG, that was fucking hilarious. Came over from Mommy Wants Vodka, and this post cracked me up!

Kat said...

"Just eat your fucking Nazi burger" OMG I love the Boss (and I am not talking about Bruce Springstein).

Badass Geek said...

Jen W: Yeah, the server didn't get a good tip.

Baseball Mom: Glad you made the trip! Come by again soon. =)

Kat: I'll be sure to pass along the love.

splodge said...

When I first clicked on this post - at first I thought your picture was of a torso with its guts spilling out - euuk! It doesn't look very appetising at all to offense.

An American friend from New Orleans used to make a loud fuss about the food in burger bars just because she knew it would make me cringe.

Lola said...

Jew hater!!

All I wanna know is why the hell is that bacon so limp.

Badass Geek said...

Splodge: No offense taken. The picture isn't the clearest (it was taken with my cellphone). My apologies for the confusion!

Lola: Probably because it was kept heat-lamp warm until The Boss' meal was ready.

Aunt Becky said...

It looks fucking delicious, swastika or none.

Badass Geek said...

Aunt Becky: It was delicious. Fucking delicious.

Moonspun said...

Ok, it took me a minute to even register that was a hamburger, but after squinting a bit I saw it. I can only imagine the scene!

Pamela said...

I think this is the funniest thing I've read all week. Fucking Nazi burger. That is awesome. In a totally Jew-loving way, I mean,'m laughing too hard to think.

And my word? BOODI. nice.

Post a Comment