Wednesday, February 18, 2009

In Which I Drink Too Much

Emergency Protocol Review Board, Session 137

System Record Date: 02/17/2009

Cognition begins at 04:33:17.

All systems activated. ALERT. Traction system employed, equilibrium sensors report Transport Vehicle is off balance. Navigation is unsteady. Control Room reports visual impairment, employs corrective lenses. Transport Vehicle stabilized. All systems normal.
Waste management systems void refuse compactors from previous date, and commences cleaning cycle. All systems normal.
WARNING. WARNING. Fluid Retention reports fluid levels are dangerously low. System administrators advise of immediate fluid replenishment. Clear fluids required to avoid system malfunction or equipment damage. 
System fluid levels now adequate. Threat of damage to the Contaminant Filtration System by calcification neutralized. All systems normal.
ALERT. Communication problems between Fluid Retention and Control Room result in excess fluid. Fluid Retention container now full. System administrators route all excess fluids to Emergency Fluid Reserve storage. Reserve storage full to capacity. All systems normal.
System administrators note for system record of the expulsion of excess methane gas via exhaust at the rear of facility. Due to previous incidents (marked in Sessions 97 and 103), supervisors on site verified that all proper emission standards were met. Air Quality sensors now reporting poor oxygen levels, but is stabilizing. All systems normal.
Transport Vehicle leaves headquarters. Ambient temperature sensors report current temperature of 19F degrees, activates Heat Conservation Vibration system. All systems normal.
Control Room reports uneven terrain ahead. Transport Vehicle motion becomes unsteady. Emergency Fluid Reserve room reports concern over possible fluid leak from Vehicle's erratic motion. All systems normal.
Waste Management routes waste water from Contaminant Filtration Services to Fluid Retention. ALERT. Fluid Retention container full to capacity. Emergency Fluid Reserve storage full to capacity. System administrators place all systems on a Level 1 Alert. 
ALERT. Due to continued uneven terrain, Level 1 Alert upgraded to Level 3 Alert. System administrators report to Control Room the need for a suitable place to dispense all waste fluids and empty the Emergency Fluid Reserve to avoid a massive fluid leak. Plumbing facility reports concern over the durability of the pipeline for such large amounts of liquid waste. Control Room responds, increases speed of Transport Vehicle towards destination.
WARNING. WARNING. Level 3 Alert upgraded to Level 5 Alert. All system facilities are in CODE RED lock down. All available personnel routed to Fluid Retention to help retain fluids until a proper waste site can be located. System administrators receive reports of minor leaking from the liquid waste pipeline. ALERT. ALERT. Air Quality reports build-up of methane gas; expulsion prohibited until liquid waste can be dispensed.
Transport Vehicle arrives at destination. Ambient temperature sensors report a sudden drop in temperature. WARNING. WARNING. Level 6 Alert enacted.CODE YELLOW. System administrators route all cognitive services to Fluid Retention and Emergency Fluid Reserve facilities. Control Room reports a waste disposal site in close proximity. Plumbing personnel alerted.
WARNING. WARNING. Plumbing personnel report the pressure lock on liquid waste pipeline is failing. Control Room increases speed of Transport Vehicle, alerts of arrival at waste disposal site. System administrators approve External Services to lower protective covering. Liquid waste pipeline extended.
Plumbing personnel release pressure lock. System administrators open Fluid Retention and Emergency Fluid Reserve tanks, and commences liquid waste disposal. Air Quality given the approval to release methane gas via exhaust at the rear of facility. 
Level 6 Alert dissolved; All liquid waste dispensed without incident. Fluid Retention reporting safe levels of fluid in both regular and Emergency Reserve holding tanks. Liquid waste pipeline is retrieved, and External Services raises protective covering. System administrators receives reports from Plumbing that pressure lock is sealing properly. Control Room performs diagnostic scan of all system facilities. All systems normal.

(Review Board Note: Proper emergency protocol utilized. No need for further internal review.)


Kat said...

You must have really had to pee!

Moonspun said...

ah you ARE a geek!
Great post, watch out for that methane gas!! Don't let it cross state lines...We Vermonters might have to retaliate.

Heather said...

Couldn't you have just written "Gotta go take a leak?"
You are too funny.

Cape Cod Gal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cape Cod Gal said...

(I had to delete my last comment because I forgot to spell check and it made no sense.)

Anywhoo....what I was meaning to say is that you have watched Star Wars WAY too many times.

Lola said...

Sci-Fi hurts my head. Were you drunk and had to pee or did you have to puke?

Maybe it's a good thing you don't drink too much on a regular basis ;)

Miss Grace said...


NUGO said...


MIT Mommy said...

That was really funny.

Tony said...

Dude, you're a genius

Badass Geek said...

Kat: I did. It was a close call.

Moonspun: It's a good thing they don't train dogs to sniff out methane gas.

Heather: I could have, but it wouldn't have been as interesting.

Cape Cod Gal: Not possible.

Lola: It was more that I had to pee. I had drank too much water.

Miss Grace: Ha back.

Nugo: Thanks!

MIT Mommy: Glad you enjoyed it!

Tony: I wouldn't go that far, but my ego thanks you.

Jen W said...

Ha that is awesome. I have never thought of peeing in that way.

splodge said...

You are such a funny guy and ... original!

I'm sure that from now on, when I have to get up to pee in the night, I'll hear similar warning messages. He-hee!

Ezekiel said...

Genius. I'm passing this on to all my geeky friends. Love it!

Badass Geek said...

Jen W: Most people wouldn't.

Splodge: Originality is something I strive for.

Ezekiel: Please do!

Personal Trainer Mayfair said...

Wow!! i am very impressed with your lovely post.. i am so glad to left comment on this..

advertron said...

i enjoyed this post so much.

Personal Trainer said...

Really dude , u r amazing .

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