Wednesday, February 25, 2009

In Which I Offer 13 Helpful Tips

I'm beginning to think that I shouldn't have written this post. Instead of posting it, I should have just saved the fake ideas I listed in that post and used them for actual posts. This is the second post I've written from that original list of fake post suggestions, the first one being the post of the varying types of penii. Any other requests for posts from those suggestions must be made in writing. 


13 Helpful Tips on Surviving a Ladybug Attack*

Most people like ladybugs. They think they are cute and are a natural way of pest control. When picturing a ladybug, these people probably imagine something like this:

They could not be further from the truth. Some people, myself included, view these bothersome bugs as something like this:
Don't be fooled by their cute appearance and the folklore that says they bring good luck if they land on you. They are miniature hard-shelled bringers of evil. They kill aphids by the thousands, and they don't ask permission before gathering in large groups on your windowsill in the summer. Should they attack you, follow these helpful tips to ensure your survival. 
  1. Remove any and all clothing green in color. Ladybugs eat aphids, small green insects that feed on various plants. Should they mistake you for an aphid, consider yourself a goner.
  2. Curl up in a fetal position, protecting your vital organs from their sharp mandibles.
  3. Avoid calling them names, such as "God's Little Cow" or "Mary's Hen", even though this is acceptable in some cultures. This only aggravates them. 
  4. Do not insult or degrade the masculinity of the male ladybug. The male ladybug is very sensitive. There have only been a few documented cases of homosexual male ladybugs.
  5. Try to distract the ladybug by singing the nursery rhyme "Ladybug, Ladybug", the first verse of which is as follows: 
    Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home,
    your house is on fire and your children are gone.
    All except one, and her name is Ann, 
    and she crept under the warming pan.
  6. If you are with other people, have them throw handfuls of diatomaceous earth at the insect. This is an insecticide made from fossilized algae, proven effective by scientists and landscapers at controlling ladybugs. 
  7. Have your comrades attempt to lure the ladybug away from you with promises of fresh insects or a tasty aphid salad. 
  8. Avoid warm places such as windowsills or doorjambs.
  9. Urinating on yourself might prove to be a deterrent to the hungry ladybug. The odor and bitter taste might disarm the ladybug enough to make an escape. Use defecation only if the urine is not effective.
  10. Run a quick bath with a lot of soap. The soapy water will clog the airways of the ladybug.
  11. If the diatomaceous earth did not help, have your comrades spray you with water. This would work best from a high-pressure source, such as a fire hydrant. If this is not available a regular garden hose would suffice. Place one's thumb over the open end to create a high-pressure stream.
  12. Use fly paper to trap the ladybug. If fly paper is not available, try duct tape or masking tape.
  13. If none of the above tips prove successful, hand-to-hand combat may be necessary. Ladybugs are dirty fighters, so be sure to protect your ears, eyes, nose, nipples, sensitive moles, groin, and feet.
There you have it. Should you ever be attacked by a ladybug, at least you will be armed with the knowledge on how to survive and walk away in one piece. 

P.S. Tell me truthfully: Do you like the current blog design? Either Yes or No, tell me why. Be honest. Be brutal. Be brutally honest. I just want to know your opinion.

*While some of these tips might be effective in a ladybug attack, I assume no responsibility nor will take any liability for any injury in following this advice. Use at your own risk.


Daddy Files said...

I liked this post, it made me laugh today and i needed that.

But about the blog...I liked it better before. Not sure if it's the big header or the colors but whatever it is, I vote for changing it back. Sorry.

Cant Hardly Wait said...

I like it.

I have to say though, you are kind of odd. Not a bad odd, but very...very odd.

But I like it.

Moonspun said...

Hilarious! I'd like to see what Aphid Salad looks like...then againmaybe I don't.

And the design, well I hate to sound like a pest, but I belive that this would be the third comment in which I have said I don't like your new design.
The colors are growing on me. though the brown is a bit dark. But the header is much too big. It fills my screen with a cannon and I see nothing else until I scroll down. I am lazy, dont' make me scroll too far in the beginning.

Miss Grace said...

Your ladybug pictures made me smile. Which was needed. Thanks.

Heather said...

Did you draw that second one yourself? That was too funny. And number 9! Ewwww! Please don't ever poop on me for any reason, k?
Mostly I do like the blog. I am not a big fan of brown, since there's so much of it, but I love the header, the lettering style, the cannon thingy and the In which I am about to rock part. All good. Maybe you could make it a lighter brown, or maybe blue instead?

Bee and Rose said...

This post is hilarious to me because we were under ladybug assault defcon 1 when we lived in OH a few years back! Woke up one morning to find thousands of them all over the back yard, covering every screen on every window of our home..not a pretty sight! It was like a bad Alfred Hitchcock movie for pre-schoolers! LOL!

Kat said...

I miss the Star Wars design.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I liked the Star Wars theme too. It was more you.

Ezekiel said...

I may have developed a case of coccinellidaephobia from this...

New design is clean and easy to use, so no problem here.

areason2write said...

I think you need a little ladybug hug therapy. Hug the ladybug. And this design is easier to read than the other - you are very creative! I like it a lot more than you like ladybugs.

Badass Geek said...

Daddy Files: Glad I could help, and thanks for the input.

Can't Hardly Wait: I'm not usually this strange. At least in my opinion.

Moonspun: I know you've commented about the AC/DC design a few times before. I worked hard on that design, and didn't want to just get rid of it right away.

Miss Grace: You are welcome!

Heather: No, I found those online. I wish I had drawn them.

Bee and Rose: I think a horror movie about killer ladybugs would be awesome.

Kat: That one was pretty cool.

Cape Cod Gal: Was it?

Ezekiel: I hope not. Ladybugs aren't all that bad.

A Reason 2 Write: I don't like ladybugs at all, so that's saying something!

Sus said...

I like the new look. I think you should add a tag line though, like:

Being a Geek: Priceless.

splodge said...

I never wear green.

Can't keep up with the web designs.

My Fave was your first, with the 'geek'.

I don't think I saw the Star Wars one.

The AC/DC one with the brown and cannon was great, very creative.

The one above is clever, once again, like the white background but still prefer the first.

It's fun changing them, so I'm happy with whatever you put up there - it's the content that's important.


Lola said...

Don't be such a pussy! Ladybugs are sweet.

My favorite design was the original geek, followed by the Godfather theme. I don't even remember the Star Wars one. It's nice that you can change them around, though.

As for the new one, I like it, but you really need to make "somethings" two words. Sorry to be the edit police. I'm a dick like that ;(

Badass Geek said...

Sus: Tagline added. =)

Splodge: Yes, thank you!

Lola: Holy shit! I didn't even realize I did that. I feel like an ass. It is fixed now.

Sus said...

Hahah LOVE IT!

Mrs. B said...

I'm a new reader, so I don't know what previous blog designs you had, but I liked the cannon. The color was good and so were the graphics.

By the way, ladybugs are the only bug that if it landed on me I would not totally freak out.

Badass Geek said...

Sus: Yay!

Mrs. B: I liked the cannon, too. But, some people found it hard to read. I live to please. Come back soon!

Lola said...

Much better...

Heather and Jase said...

I know I am late but I couldn't resist letting you know this post made my day!

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