May I have your attention, please?
In the past couple of weeks I have become aware of some issues presented by members of this household. The complaints are many, but if time permits, I intend to address a majority of them in this meeting today. Shall we get started?
The first complaint is from The Boss. Her complaint is about how I steal the covers on the bed while sleeping. She has brought this issue up quite frequently, as records will show, citing that her efforts to wake me up or to pull the blankets back prove unsuccessful. I assure her that the hoarding of blankets is not intentional, as I am a human furnace that does not require any more clothing than boxer shorts while sleeping. Previous negotiations on this subject have not yielded any results, despite suggestions from mediators. This complaint is acknowledged, but tabled for further discussion at a later time.
The second complaint to be addressed is also from The Boss. She states that my loud snoring is keeping her awake at night. I deny any occurrence of snoring, and any evidence proving this event has yet to be produced. This complaint is dismissed.
The third complaint was filed by The Boss, as well. She states that I leave clippings from trimming my beard in the sink. I fully admit to this, and counter with a reminder of how many times she has left clumps of hair in the drain of the tub, some large enough to fashion a toupee out of. The complaint is dismissed after promises of better cleanliness from both parties involved.
The fourth complaint... oh, hell. Screw this.
I'm a guy. I shouldn't be held accountable for most of the things I do worth complaining about because I just can't help it.
Yes, I steal the covers. I snore like I've got a deviated septum. I leave a mess in the sink when shaving to get subconsciously back at you for the furry drain monster that floats around in the tub when I shower. I'll stink up the bathroom and not spray air freshener because I forget to. I'll poke you with my morning wood and grope your boobs while I sleep. I'll do any multitude of annoying things simply because I don't know any better, or because I just haven't learned yet. At least I don't leave the toilet seat up anymore.
I do enough things to make up for my shortcomings, though. Like always making you a card with construction paper, colored pencils, and glue sticks for important occasions. And kissing you on the forehead when I'm leaving for work early in the morning because I don't want to wake you. And for remembering that today is the 51st monthly anniversary (that's four years and three months) of the day we started dating.
Shouldn't that be enough to keep me around?
I hope so.