Monday, March 16, 2009

In Which I Am Guilty As Charged

May I have your attention, please? 

In the past couple of weeks I have become aware of some issues presented by members of this household. The complaints are many, but if time permits, I intend to address a majority of them in this meeting today. Shall we get started?

The first complaint is from The Boss. Her complaint is about how I steal the covers on the bed while sleeping. She has brought this issue up quite frequently, as records will show, citing that her efforts to wake me up or to pull the blankets back prove unsuccessful. I assure her that the hoarding of blankets is not intentional, as I am a human furnace that does not require any more clothing than boxer shorts while sleeping. Previous negotiations on this subject have not yielded any results, despite suggestions from mediators. This complaint is acknowledged, but tabled for further discussion at a later time.

The second complaint to be addressed is also from The Boss. She states that my loud snoring is keeping her awake at night. I deny any occurrence of snoring, and any evidence proving this event has yet to be produced. This complaint is dismissed.

The third complaint was filed by The Boss, as well. She states that I leave clippings from trimming my beard in the sink. I fully admit to this, and counter with a reminder of how many times she has left clumps of hair in the drain of the tub, some large enough to fashion a toupee out of. The complaint is dismissed after promises of better cleanliness from both parties involved.

The fourth complaint... oh, hell. Screw this. 

I'm a guy. I shouldn't be held accountable for most of the things I do worth complaining about because I just can't help it. 

Yes, I steal the covers. I snore like I've got a deviated septum. I leave a mess in the sink when shaving to get subconsciously back at you for the furry drain monster that floats around in the tub when I shower. I'll stink up the bathroom and not spray air freshener because I forget to. I'll poke you with my morning wood and grope your boobs while I sleep. I'll do any multitude of annoying things simply because I don't know any better, or because I just haven't learned yet. At least I don't leave the toilet seat up anymore.

I do enough things to make up for my shortcomings, though. Like always making you a card with construction paper, colored pencils, and glue sticks for important occasions. And kissing you on the forehead when I'm leaving for work early in the morning because I don't want to wake you. And for remembering that today is the 51st monthly anniversary (that's four years and three months) of the day we started dating. 

Shouldn't that be enough to keep me around?

I hope so.


areason2write said...

toilet seat down - I am impressed - no bail required!

Heather said...

Very cute. =) We've solved the blanket thief issue by each having our own blanket. It works for us. If it's a deeply cold night, MJ will let me share his too, out of love. The snoring would drive me crazy though. Oh wait, it already does. He's learned to at least stop rolling over and snoring in my face anyway. But sometimes it's so bad, I just kick him all night long. In your case, I think that cpap would help you.

Lola said...

Guys are so annoying!

Bee and Rose said...

Now that's just the sweetest love letter ever!

Mr. Apron said...


One lazy weekend morning, when she gets up first to go to use the lavatory, take a big heaping shit right in the center of the bed, and leave a note in construction paper, crayon and gluestick that reads:

"Now, you have a legitimate gripe. I love you."

Kat said...

My husband tells me that I left a tribble in the bottom of the bathtub when he takes a shower. I can't help that I shed.

Oh and I thought my comment was going to be funny until I read Mr. Apron. That totally made me giggle snort and I totally am not encouraging that type of behavior if you wish to remain married. Just sayin.

Ezekiel said...

I'm with Heather. Get your own blanket. My wife and I have never shared because we just can't; we both love nesting and it just can't be done with two people and one blanket.

As for the snoring, my solution was to lose my hearing. It has worked a treat, not only for the snoring, but general night noises too.

Aunt Becky said...

I don't bitch about the shavings in the sink because I do occasionally leave a pile of pubes in the shower. HIS shower.

FrankandMary said...

The 51st month? Well, damn, you are a lot more sensitive and considerate than I am. I only know the 51st of something if someone is paying me back for a monthy loan. Then I keep track, otherwise..

I've never stole covers but my older cat, Briege, bites anyone who sleeps with me on their back, HARD.

I don't snore but I sing Pet Shop Boys or Marilyn Manson songs if I can't sleep. The snoring is probably a better deal.

The boss doesn't know how good she has it. ~Mary

MadWoman said...

Hey...if you leave the toilet seat down, that's good enough for me. In fact, Hotty Hubby SITS to pee. That's why I keep him around. The rest? Well....the blanket thing can be cured by having a separate blanket for each of you, the hair in the sink thing is a hard one to fight because she leaves hair in the drain (I make Hotty Hubby pull it out for me)...and the snoring? That can be solved in one easy move.


MIT Mommy said...

Hmm. I see you are definitely married.

Tony said...

at least you don't do that Dutch Oven thing where you tuck the blankets in around her and then let 'em rip under the covers.

Maggie May said...

I really love your posts on your marriage. It keeps my head in check.

Badass Geek said...

A Reason 2 Write: Great!

Heather: We've tried the two-blanket thing. I steal her's too.

Lola: Sometimes, yes.

Bee and Rose: Perspective is everything.

Mr Apron: I'm pretty sure she would have my head on a platter if I did that.

Kat: A tub-tribble. Awesome!

Ezekiel: I think I'll try to keep my hearing for now.

Aunt Becky: That's hot.

Frank and Mary: I'm sure she does know how good she has it. She's said that she'll kill me before she'd divorce me. My guess is because she doesn't want to share.

MadWoman: Oh, The Boss does the smothering. Freaks me right out.

MIT Mommy: Yes. That must be it.

Tony: I do that ALL THE TIME.

Maggie May: I'm always good for a head-checking.

Moonspun said...

You are a geek that uses construction paper? How cute!

Miss Grace said...

That's absolutely enough :)

Ambles said...

I think she'll keep you :)

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: It's like 1st grade all over again.

Miss Grace: *phew!*

Ambles: I hope so. If she kicks me out, I'll have to start living in my truck.

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