I don't remember when this happened, but it wasn't too long ago. I was in line at the grocery store after picking up a few things for dinner, and had just placed my items on the conveyor belt. A woman got in line behind me, and after unloading her items, stood really close to me. I stepped forward politely, turned with my back to the line behind me, and waited for the cashier to ring up the customer in front of me.
I barely had time to make sure I had enough items to be in the express lane when I felt the woman behind me move in close again. I shuffled forward, and looked over my shoulder. The woman, who I judged to be in her sixties, was reading the cover of a celebrity gossip magazine near by. I turned back around, and being one who is picky about his personal space, moved forward even further.
The moment I turned back around, she moved in closer again. I ignored her this time, and mentally urged the cashier to bag the items faster. Who cares if bread goes on the bottom and the soup cans get thrown on top? Are those eggs? Chuck 'em in there! I've got a cougar in my personal bubble! She was so close to me that I could feel the warmth from her body. She smelled like mothballs and denture paste, and was breathing hard enough that I could smell the mint or lozenge that she was rattling against her teeth.
I was all but crawling with irritability when the customer in front of me pulled out a large stack of coupons. I groaned quietly. Come on! Who gives a shit about 15 cents off your toilet bowl cleaner? Fuck it. I'll give you a whole dollar if you just hurr-
I felt a pinch.
On my butt.
My eyes opened up wide, and my breath caught in my throat. I think my heart skipped a beat, and before it had a chance to recover, I felt another pinch. Harder this time.
I turned around to face the woman behind me. She looked at me with a blank expression that seemed to say, "What? I didn't do anything." I faced forward again, uncomfortable enough where I contemplated abandoning my items on the belt and just walking away. The customer in front of me was just about done, and would soon leave the space in front of the cashier wide open. I could feel my face burning red. I tapped my foot impatiently, watching with great displeasure at how slow the cashier was. I heard the slide of fabric behind me, but ignored it. This was a mistake.
I felt a cold hand cup my right butt cheek. It rested there for a moment before giving it a firm squeeze. For what seemed like an eternity, I couldn't move. At last, the woman released her grip.
I spun around, forgoing politeness, and glared at the woman. She smiled coyly, and waggled her drawn-on eyebrows at me. I reached behind me and dusted off the seat of my pants, as if she had gotten them dirty by molesting me in the checkout line. I scowled at her, and her smile faded.
"Paper or plastic?" the cashier asked, just now beginning to ring up my items.
"I don't care," I responded gruffly. "Just bag 'em."
I moved forward down the line into the space in front of the debit card reader. The woman remained where she was, her arms folded across her chest. Save for the beeping of the cash register, we stood there in silence, the cashier, the cougar, and I.
Finished with ringing up my items, the cashier waited for my debit card to process. He soon handed me my receipt, and I glanced at the woman again. She flashed a smile and blew a kiss at me. I grabbed my groceries, spun on my heel, and walked away as fast as I could.
When I got home, The Boss greeted me with a kiss. I brought the groceries into the kitchen to put away, she snuck up behind me and pinched my butt. I jumped.
"What? What's wrong?" she asked, concerned.
"You don't want to know," I said. "You just don't want to know."