Friday, March 6, 2009

In Which I Get Pinched

I don't remember when this happened, but it wasn't too long ago. I was in line at the grocery store after picking up a few things for dinner, and had just placed my items on the conveyor belt. A woman got in line behind me, and after unloading her items, stood really close to me. I stepped forward politely, turned with my back to the line behind me, and waited for the cashier to ring up the customer in front of me. 

I barely had time to make sure I had enough items to be in the express lane when I felt the woman behind me move in close again. I shuffled forward, and looked over my shoulder. The woman, who I judged to be in her sixties, was reading the cover of a celebrity gossip magazine near by. I turned back around, and being one who is picky about his personal space, moved forward even further. 

The moment I turned back around, she moved in closer again. I ignored her this time, and mentally urged the cashier to bag the items faster. Who cares if bread goes on the bottom and the soup cans get thrown on top? Are those eggs? Chuck 'em in there! I've got a cougar in my personal bubble! She was so close to me that I could feel the warmth from her body. She smelled like mothballs and denture paste, and was breathing hard enough that I could smell the mint or lozenge that she was rattling against her teeth.

I was all but crawling with irritability when the customer in front of me pulled out a large stack of coupons. I groaned quietly. Come on! Who gives a shit about 15 cents off your toilet bowl cleaner? Fuck it. I'll give you a whole dollar if you just hurr-

I felt a pinch. 

On my butt. 

My eyes opened up wide, and my breath caught in my throat. I think my heart skipped a beat, and before it had a chance to recover, I felt another pinch. Harder this time.

I turned around to face the woman behind me. She looked at me with a blank expression that seemed to say, "What? I didn't do anything." I faced forward again, uncomfortable enough where I contemplated abandoning my items on the belt and just walking away. The customer in front of me was just about done, and would soon leave the space in front of the cashier wide open. I could feel my face burning red. I tapped my foot impatiently, watching with great displeasure at how slow the cashier was. I heard the slide of fabric behind me, but ignored it. This was a mistake.

I felt a cold hand cup my right butt cheek. It rested there for a moment before giving it a firm squeeze. For what seemed like an eternity, I couldn't move. At last, the woman released her grip. 

I spun around, forgoing politeness, and glared at the woman. She smiled coyly, and waggled her drawn-on eyebrows at me. I reached behind me and dusted off the seat of my pants, as if she had gotten them dirty by molesting me in the checkout line. I scowled at her, and her smile faded.

"Paper or plastic?" the cashier asked, just now beginning to ring up my items. 

"I don't care," I responded gruffly. "Just bag 'em."

I moved forward down the line into the space in front of the debit card reader. The woman remained where she was, her arms folded across her chest. Save for the beeping of the cash register, we stood there in silence, the cashier, the cougar, and I.

Finished with ringing up my items, the cashier waited for my debit card to process. He soon handed me my receipt, and I glanced at the woman again. She flashed a smile and blew a kiss at me. I grabbed my groceries, spun on my heel, and walked away as fast as I could. 

When I got home, The Boss greeted me with a kiss. I brought the groceries into the kitchen to put away, she snuck up behind me and pinched my butt. I jumped.

"What? What's wrong?" she asked, concerned.

"You don't want to know," I said. "You just don't want to know."


Daddy Files said...

yikes man. But unless she looked like Raquel Welch, 60 is too old to be a cougar. She's more like a grandcougar. Extra disturbing.

Lola said...

HA! I do that all the time ;)That's what you get for being so hawt!

Too bad she didn't grab your junk. She wasn't a cougar, though. A real cougar would have gone 'round front.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Just another reason you need to post a picture of your ass.

Moonspun said...

I am sorry that I am laughing at your apparently misery! But that's a great sotry. Too bad she was gross and made you feel yucky, but it's hilarous that she had the, ah...balls to do that! Maybe you shouldn't have such a cute butt!

Maggie May said...


Maggie May said...

re@above:garbleygook is a commonly accepted language.

Cape Cod Gal said...

Oh you coy little hottie, you! I'm with Lola. A true cougar would have gone for the goods! I know I would!

The Social Frog said...

yucky! I hate when people do things like this,lol.

Heather and Jase said...

You should have know better than to wear a mini skirt and tube top out in public. You were asking for it.

Seriously you should have screamed RAPIST at the top of your lungs. Shame her into keeping her hands to herself!

Heather said...

You should be flattered! ;)

Meg said...

Thats so hilarious&creepy at the same time!

Bee and Rose said...

You poor thing! Molestation by a creepy old cougar in the checkout is just mortifying! If the Boss was there, she probably would've kicked her booty!

Aunt Becky said...

It was me. And you thought it was hot.

Badass Geek said...

Daddy Files: Raquel Welch? Even if it had been her, I still would have been creeped out. Maybe even more.

Lola: Hawt? Me? Hardly.

Employee No 3699: I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself trying to pinch your monitor.

Moonspun: I think even if she had been attractive it would have been awkward.

Maggie May: Finally! Another person fluent in Garbleygookese.

Cape Cod Gal: I'm glad I didn't turn to face her until I was out of reach, then.

The Social Frog: Me, too. This wasn't the first time, unfortunately.

Heather and Jase: Mini skirt? Tube top? More like jeans and a heavy sweatshirt. I did think about calling RAPE though.

Heather: I don't know if I could be.

Meg: Hey, its you! I thought you had disappeared.

Bee and Rose: The Boss probably would have been laughing and encouraging her, at the sake of my embarrassment.

Aunt Becky: Okay, okay. You caught me. I loved it.

Kat said...

You lady killer, you!

FrankandMary said...

Gee, I've never been fondled in the check-out lane, but I do find lots of weird stuff happens in grocery stores to me. Also there is some sort of drop in intellect & emotions with regard to personal space in lines. Customers will practically step on the backs of your shoes to move forward when there is no way for you to move further unless you physically push someone. I've even had people say, "Can you move up a little?" Why? So you can lay on top of me?

Cant Hardly Wait said...

Yum. I'm so happy for you and your new girl friend.

areason2write said...


daria. said...

Yikes indeed!

Badass Geek said...

Kat: Hardly!

Frank and Mary: I hate having people in my personal space like that. We're all going to get to check out at some point, what difference does it make how far down the line I am?

Can't Hardly Wait: BARF.

A Reason 2 Write: Um... no.

Daria: I'm glad we agree.

splodge said...

Make the most of it!

You should've stepped backwards onto her toes.

tony said...

Dude, that has to be the funniest thing ever - Have you been doing the buns of steel thing? You should have asked to see her bank statement - an older woman with a big fat bank account can pinch my butt anytime.

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