Friday, March 13, 2009

In Which I Need Thicker Walls

The apartment that The Boss and I live in shares common walls with our landlords. Our portion of the house is technically the in-law apartment of the house, divided by a wall of less-than-standard thickness. It took us less than one week to learn that even a normal-volume conversation could be overheard, be it our conversation or theirs. 

Having only a few inches between our sides of the house has made for interesting moments in the past couple months. Like the time where they had sex (yes, that one time). Or when they fought while having dinner:
Him: Can you pass the salt?
Her: Sure, darling.
Or my personal favorite, when they run their diesel-engine powered dishwasher at 10pm at night. Nothing like the roar of high-pressure water and a 16-horsepower drain pump that needs new bearings to lull you to a peaceful night's sleep. 

There have been a variety of things I have overheard, but lately something new has come up that just takes the cake.

A couple of times a week, one of my landlords (I can never tell if it is the He or the She) will draw up a bath. Their upstairs bathroom is partly above our living room, and with the thin walls and flooring we can clearly hear the tub filling up. Once the water shuts off, you can hear them testing the temperature of the water and then setting into the tub. There is a period of loud, watery sloshing sounds, but then all is still. 

And then, whoever is in the tub will fart.

It is unlike anything I have ever heard. These particular farts aren't the petite little one-cheek-sneak farts. These are marathon farts, the I-just-ate-chili farts, the I-didn't-know-I-had-a-tuba-up-my-butt kind of farts. It's a bare-ass, cheek-slapping fart against a hard surface. There is a squeak or a squeal almost, and of course, the bubbles. And oh, the bubbles! The escaping ass-air has to go somewhere, right? The sound of the bubbles is like someone switched on a jacuzzi for about 3.7 seconds. 

This always happens in the evening, most often when both The Boss and I are sitting in the living room. After the butt-trumpet goes off over our heads, we have to stifle our rapturous laughter to keep from being overheard next door. I know that if we can hear them, they can hear us when we burp and fart, but I don't want to make it any more embarrassing than it needs to be. 

I think I'm going to leave a bottle of Bean-O with our rent check next month. 


Single Parent Dad said...


Did you here that?

Jenn(ifer) said...

This is so awesome!

...and this is why I'm slowly starting to love "Apartment Living"

Maggie May said...

bwhahaha!!! thanks for making me literally laugh out loud!!

Heather and Jase said...

Screw laughing when you hear farts. I would bust out laughing listening to them have sex. They may never get laid again!

Nichi said...

Oh man I dont know how you could keep from laughing your asses off...

Miss Grace said...

At least you're not sharing air vents?

Daddy Files said...

If the walls really are that thin, you need to start fucking with these people.

Like making sure they know you're the only one home and then pretend to masturbate really loud. Or just throw some porn on there and turn up the volume.

And if they're farting, you should bang on the ceiling each and every time they let one rip. Either that or break out into loud applause.

Screw with them! And then blog about it...

Aunt Becky said...

This is absolutely why I bought the iFart application for my iPhone. I plan to use it in public bathrooms whenever possible.

Now if I could only master hearing it without laughing. Because I am 12.

Kat said...

How in the world do you hold in laughs for that??? OH. MY. GOD. I would die laughing.

Jen W said...

OMG- That is hilarious. Love it.

Ambles said...

Very glad I found your blog. Hillarious.

Heather said...

Yes, yes, please have some fun with this! I totally feel your pain. Let me ask you this. Has it made your sex life with the Boss a little more inhibited because you know THEY can hear you? Or has it made you louder and more voracious, knowing you may have an audience? LMAO

Bee and Rose said...

Butt trumpet!!! LOL!!!

Ezekiel said...

This sentence: "These are marathon farts, the I-just-ate-chili farts, the I-didn't-know-I-had-a-tuba-up-my-butt kind of farts."


Moonspun said...

That's hilarious! Especially the way you describe the fart!

areason2write said...

I love how you take the every day things and turn them into hysterical stories. Thanks for sharing!

Lola said...

You really need to get a fart machine and use it whenever you hear that going on! You can have a fart-off.

Badass Geek said...

Single Parent Dad: I did, actually. Good push.

Jenn(ifer): It does have its benefits, doesn't it?

Maggie May: You are most welcome!

Heather and Jase: Well, once I figured out exactly what the sound was (I thought they were moving furniture at first) I was over. Too bad for her, I guess.

Nichi: It's a daily struggle.

Miss Grace: NO THANK GOD.

Daddy Files: Um, yeahNO. They are good friends with my parents. Don't want them sharing that with them at all.

Aunt Becky: Me, too! Who knew we have so much in common.

Kat: I just about do every time.

Jen W: I want to try recording it sometime.

Ambles: Why, thank you. =)

Heather: I would say inhibited. Very much so. Luckily they aren't often home.

Bee and Rose: They are butt-trumpet masters.

Ezekiel: You are most welcome!

Moonspun: I've heard it enough times to know every nuance.

A Reason 2 Write: You're welcome!

Lola: Every time I see a fart machine in the store, The Boss won't let me buy it.

splodge said...

What Miss Grace said - classic Badass post! Chortle!

You should give the phantom bath-bubble-maker some competition next time you have a bath.

daria said...

hahaha butt-tuba-ass-air. no but seriously, it's kind of one of my biggest fears, to be overheard by the neighbors during some nasty fight. but yelling at your spouse out of frustration sometimes is only natural, right?... or am i just a volatile person? dammit, stupid cultural demand to be civil, happy, and peaceful at all times!

Cape Cod Gal said...

I'm with Daddy. Even if you can't do the porn or masturbation, you should come up with some really weird habits. Or cook something that smells odd.

If I heard that fart I would have lost it and my laughter would have been heard for miles. Maybe the warm water is soothing the colon....?

Badass Geek said...

Splodge: I don't mean to boast, but I would so totally win that contest.

Daria: Civil, happy, and peaceful? At the same time? I don't know if I could do that.

Cape Cod Gal: I think I'll keep to myself on this one. I don't want to get evicted.

daria said...

I can't either. But some people try? Allegedly? I bet they're probably naive newlyweds though...

Emmmalicious J said...

*laughing amidst a congested cough*
That is f*ing hilarious BAG...
I am so glad to have discovered your blog.
As for me, I have only just begun my blogging adventure...

-V said...

Ohmygod! *laughing like an idiot* I'm so glad that I found this site! Whenever I need a laugh, I just click on the link in my bookmarks, read an article, and then laugh my ass off no matter how frustrated I am. You're blog is the best! For me, however, I've just start my blogging adventures. Any advice?

photographsNwhite08 said...

Knowing your luck, they're probably the ones with the fart machine trying to mess with YOUR head, xD.

Elderon The Dragon said...

I just started my blog a few months ago ( and I have a bit of advice. Do what your doing now. going to other blogs posting comments. You got to make yourself known to the public. Me personaly I stumbled upon this blog hopeing to find and article about Dungeons & Dragons (yes I do play). But it seems I'm the only one interested.

@Badass Geek
You should try playing D&D with The Boss. You never know you two might be good at it. Unless you don't like rollplaying, then well, not your kind of game.

PS I'm a 1,500 year old Brass Dragon. And you are?

Elderon Analas

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