Friday, May 8, 2009

In Which Aunt Becky Makes Mischief

I was talking with Aunt Becky yesterday, and she mentioned that she wanted to write a guest post. I offered her the chance for a guest spot here, and she ran with it. I'll be following up with a post on Monday about my first experience with porn. Enjoy!

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Sometime after I turned 18, a couple of my friends and I were driving around looking for something-- anything--to do. We had the staples: smokes, weed, gas; we'd had dinner and coffee and were now aimlessly driving around. As we passed a Mom and Pop type video store where I had recently gotten a membership, I had a brilliant idea.

“Hey guys,” I suggested, “I know! How about we pop in the video store to pick up a gross porno to watch?”

The idea was considered gold, and we headed inside. Renting nasty porno is practically a right-of-passage when you turn 18. It's up there with buying a lotto ticket, a pack of smokes and a cigar.

Back in the Restricted Section, where I was finally able to go, we went to town. Scrupulously, we scoured the shelves for something really rank like Fatties Hump Old Men or Midgets Do Manhattan. Porno after porno was rejected as none was quite up to snuff in comedic value. Finally, after what seemed like hours of searching, we found our diamond in the rough. Our shimmering needle in a haystack.

The movie was called “Anal Clinic” and it was to be our entertainment for the evening.

We headed back to my ex-boyfriends house to watch our little gem along with a bottle of (stolen) red wine, giggling like schoolchildren. Someone would frequently say “Anal Clinic” at odd intervals which would be met with peals of laughter throughout the car.

We popped downstairs, after rounding up some of the usual suspects and settled in to watch Anal Clinic. The movie was nothing like we’d thought it would be (as an aside, as this is many years ago, I don't quite remember WHAT we thought it would be). It was a European porn, full of men having butt sex with various people (again, not sure what we'd expected from a movie with such a title)

AND IT WAS SUBTITLED. WHO WATCHES SUBTITLED PORN?

What are you going to miss, exciting plot twists? It’s a PORN. It HAS NO PLOT.

After about 15 minutes, we decided that the porno was too lame to even be watched, so we formulated a new plan. We decided to go naked hot-tubbing, throwing ourselves down in the snow and running back to plop into the hot-tub to warm up.

Oh, like you weren't an idiot at 18.

(weren't you?)

As I was getting ready to leave for the evening, I popped back downstairs to the basement to collect my disappointing porno so that I could drop it off on my way home. I checked the VCR, but it was totally empty. Figuring that someone else had decided to watch something less boring, I checked the area immediately around the entertainment center. No go. Thinking that it may have been shoved into the couch, I checked between the cushions. Nothing, save for a gold brick (seriously. My ex-boyfriend was very, VERY rich) and a couple of dollars in change. Pocketing the change, but leaving the brick, I summoned the rest of the kids to help me look for the porno.

Nada. Zilch. Zip. Zero.

I waited furiously for the next couple of days to see if anything would turn up. Nothing did.

Figuring that the movie was already late, I wanted to circumvent any phone calls to my house, as I could just IMAGINE my parents reaction, “Rebecca? The video store called and they need you to return Anal Clinic, ” I slunk back to the video store so that I could pay for my lost porno.

Walking the ultimate walk of shame, I headed into the store. I approached the pimply-faced 16 year old kid working behind the counter and said in the most clear and least shamed voice I could muster given the circumstances: “I need to buy Anal Clinic.” I resisted the urge to explain what had happened when I realized just how much dumber it would sound if I tried to justify it. Better for the teenager to imagine why I needed it then for me to spew excuses.

Turning such a deep red that he looked iridescent purple, the pimples a stark white contrast to his face, he sputtered that I would have to come back when his manager was there. Trying not look ashamed, like I'd been turned down many times before when trying to buy a lost European gay porno, I walked out, head as high as I could make it go.

Several days later, I headed back to see the manager. By this time I was an old pro at this. I marched right up to him and said the exact same thing, “I need to buy Anal Clinic.” I didn’t bother to explain WHY I needed the movie, or what had happened, as I was pretty sure he’d heard it all before. I paid the $36-ish dollars and upon waiting for my receipt, the manager mysteriously disappeared to the back room.

He returned several minutes later with a movie box in hand, the title obscured by his hands. He handed me the box along with my receipt, and I was on my way. After hopping back into my car, I allowed myself to look down at the box in my hands. The manager had given me the original box for Anal Clinic, complete with cover art and bold blaring title.

What the hell was I going to do with that box?

I settled upon placing it in my ex-boyfriend's pantry, hoping some unsuspecting victim—perhaps the same shit head who had stolen the tape in the first place--would stumble upon it while looking for crackers.

Little fuckers.

All right, Badass's Internet, dish. Name something shameful that you had to do.

13 Comments:

splodge said...

Hyuck-yuk-yuk. Too hilarious. Great post Aunt Becky.

The mind boggles as to who stole the video.

I'm a late developer...I'm only just becoming a total idiot.

Employee No. 3699 said...

I know there are plenty, but I can't think of a one. The mind has a way of blocking those things out.

The first porn I remember seeing was at my girlfriend's bachlorette party. Someone had rented some dumb movie where most of the scenes were of guys jackin' off on the beach. Though the movie was not memorable, the look on my friend's mother's face will never be forgotten.

Children of the Nineties said...

Haha, and I came in thinking this was going to be a Full House recap :)

I love the idea of porn subtitles though.

Aunt Becky said...

Dude. This person is HILARIOUS. Oh wait! That's me.

What a MORON I was.

And I *still* wonder what the hell happened to that porno. That would be an excellent fiction writing exercise: what happened to Anal Clinic.

P.S. Sorry about the inevitable search terms. Welcome to the world of Uncle Pervy's.

Kristine said...

So my husband was some kind of connoisseur of bad porn. As in we had a 30 gallon Rubbermaid container of said porn all on VHS. When we finally rid ourselves of all the VCRs, we decided it was time to get rid of the "special movies." So I told my sister we were looking for a person to give them to. And she had a strange conversation with a guy at her office which led to him buying the "special" movies. He showed up drunk at 10 pm to pick them up.

3 days later he calls my sister supposedly in SHOCK about what the movies were, saying he had planned to give them to his church youth group - he thought they were just movies, not porn. A story I do not buy, because who shows up drunk to seal the deal on non-porn movies?

Miss Grace said...

The deaf watch subtitled porn, you insensitive wench. I mean, how else can they follow the plot line?!!?

mrssoup said...

That's so wonderful!!

The best bad porn I watched was "Buffy the Vampire Layer". It started out randomly with Buffy and two guys in a room talking about school. Before getting it on, of course. Then it cut to vampire sex. With costumes as horrible as 3 year old handmade costumes. It was fabulous.

Moonspun said...

That's a great story!
I rented an erotic movie a few weeks ago called "Passion Lane", not porn, a step-up. I was telling my boss (a good friend of us both) about my hubby and renting a movie over the weekend and he said "Oh, what was it?" Oops, I thought, and said quickly, "It was one without much plot." I think we both blushed.

Kendra said...

Oh, God, I just kept thinking about the first porn I ever watched. It was in college, and a large group of us raided my roommate's porn stash. We ended up watching the "Kama Sutra," which was one of the worst half hours of film I've ever seen. It was like someone told a producer, "There's this thing called the Kama Sutra. It's about people in India having sex." And that's all. It had a "playful prince" and lots of women around him. So by the time it was over, we were all mildly uncomfortable and disappointed.

But then began the second half the video. It was a bunch of 5-minute vignettes, and they were totally worth waiting for. They completely dispensed with the plot and were just straight up start-shooting-when-they-start-having-sex. The only two I remember were entitled "No Peeking," which involved a blindfolded man and one or two women, and "Missy's Sweet Cheeks." Now, how could that not have been gold? Nervous titters changed into out and out guffaws as some cruddy-looking hairy man spanked a woman who I assume was Missy. For years, the phrase "sweet cheeks" would creep into our conversations, and we would all burst into laughter. And to this day, the name Missy kind of makes me laugh.

Lola said...

I have no shame, Auntie. You, of all people, should know that.

Sus said...

Hahaha! Oh man, I wish I could have been there! Good times.

Absolutezero said...

Thats a great story, I got my first from my best friend's brother's stash. It was called "PJ sparks on fire" and it was at least circa 1986 complete with twisted sister and flock of seagulls hair. The wierd part was all the guys had to wear pig nose's while gettng BJ's from the groupie chicks..........wierd

x said...

Uh, Aunt Becky's awesome.

Something shameful I've done? Can I take a pass? Thanks, Aunt Becky. I knew I liked you for a reason.

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