Wednesday, May 20, 2009

In Which I Am Suddenly Awake

It happened just a few nights ago,
while The Boss and I were asleep.
She and I were sawing our separate logs,
snoring loud and dreaming deep.

Suddenly I was startled awake,
but from what I wasn't sure. 
Could it be that the ghosts who decorated our ceiling
had come back to paint some more?

I sat bolt upright in the bed
the covers loose around my waist.
I switched on my bedside lamp
and sat silently to wait.

I waited with my nerves on edge,
and ran a nervous hand through my hair.
It was then that I heard again the noise
that had given me such a scare. 

It was a screech, no, a scream,
a sound not like any other.
I slid down and hid under the blankets
until I felt that I would smother.

I heard the noise again. It was closer!
I placed my hand over my thudding heart.
I then breathed in deep through my nose
and realized it was a fart.

My wife, The Boss, still peacefully asleep,
was blissfully passing gas.
It somehow sounded like a scream
as it exited forcefully from her ass.

I yanked the covers from my face
and breathed in the cleaner air.
I couldn't believe I had let some flatulence
give me such a scare. 

---

True story, folks. It was funny as hell.

24 Comments:

splodge said...

Very good! At least you can still breath when The Boss lets one go.

Heather said...

You know, you probably shouldn't rat on your wife like this, now that she has her own blog and can reciprocate. ;)

Kat said...

Ok, I am laughing so hard that I have tears in my eyes. You know The Boss is so gonna pay you back for this one, right?

absolutezero2382 said...

LOL thats awesome, I've never heard a fart story so poetic. I almost shed a tear....

Employee No. 3699 said...

Bwahaha. That was funny, but I do agree with Heather. The Boss might just get you back on her blog!

abrandname said...

Geezus man....

I was freaking riveted....thought there might have been something really wrong....

Paybacks a bitch, BAG

I have a feeling The Boss knows this too!!!

Single Parent Dad said...

You paint you a pretty (smelly) picture.

Jenn(ifer) said...

Ohh my Gawd!!

I'm cracking up! I so hope she kicks your ass! Even just once.

Laura said...

That is hilarious! Your poor wife... I don't think she's gonna be too happy about this!

for the love of pictures said...

Thank you for that hilarious start to my morning :D Now, on to tackle the work day!

Notes From the Grove said...

Uh-oh. Is The Boss going to kill you now? Or just get even?

mrssoup said...

Ahahaha, awesome!

MIT Mommy said...

How can somebody make farts so interesting??

Children of the Nineties said...

Hahahaha, I love this! I'm impressed with your ability to turn this experience into something so...poetic

The Social Frog said...

Wow, you do know she is going to kill you or get you back for this right? LOL, I am sure it would be worth it. Gave me a good laugh :)

Aunt Becky said...

You should have given her a Dutch Oven. Altho, I think The Boss is nicer than The Daver, whom I frequently give Dutch Oven's to.

Prometheus said...

I like the suspense driven writing, lol at the ending. Does The Boss know about this blog lol ?

Inna said...

hahahaha! I once got woken up from farts too... not sound, but shaking bed. I thought it was an earthquake. :)

ps - don't tell my fiance I told you!

Badass Geek said...

Splodge: Only sometimes.

Heather: I'm not (really) scared of her.

Kat: You know, there isn't much she can dish about me that I haven't written here yet.

Absolute Zero: I almost did too, from the smell.

Employee No 3699: I say bring it on!

A Brand Name: Oh, The Boss gave me permission to post this story.

SPD: It was pretty smelly.

Jenn(ifer): Naw, she's cool.

Laura: She wasn't at first, but after reading it before it posted, she gave me the green light.

FTLOP: You're welcome!

NFTG: She'll probably just try to get even. Key word there being "try".

Mrs Soup: It sure was.

MIT Mommy: I have no clue.

COTN: Otherwise, I would have felt like a tool, being scared by a fart.

The Social Frog: I can take it.

Aunt Becky: If she had been awake, I probably would have tried.

Prometheus: She sure does.

Inna: It'll be our secret.

Always Home and Uncool said...

Talk about a great gag.

x said...

Ooooh, you're gonna be in trouble. Can't wait to see what The Boss has to say about this.

Sadako said...

Haha, awesome. Agreed, Kat, she so is.

Lola said...

Hehehe! I can't wait to see what dirt she spills on you, Mister.

Moonspun said...

Oh my god! Not only is the story funny, but that fact that you could put it in a poem is hilarious, too! NICE!

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