In Which I Am Suddenly Awake

It happened just a few nights ago,

while The Boss and I were asleep.

She and I were sawing our separate logs,

snoring loud and dreaming deep.

Suddenly I was startled awake,

but from what I wasn't sure. 

Could it be that the ghosts who decorated our ceiling

had come back to paint some more?

I sat bolt upright in the bed

the covers loose around my waist.

I switched on my bedside lamp

and sat silently to wait.

I waited with my nerves on edge,

and ran a nervous hand through my hair.

It was then that I heard again the noise

that had given me such a scare. 

It was a screech, no, a scream,

a sound not like any other.

I slid down and hid under the blankets

until I felt that I would smother.

I heard the noise again. It was closer!

I placed my hand over my thudding heart.

I then breathed in deep through my nose

and realized it was a fart.

My wife, The Boss, still peacefully asleep,

was blissfully passing gas.

It somehow sounded like a scream

as it exited forcefully from her ass.

I yanked the covers from my face

and breathed in the cleaner air.

I couldn't believe I had let some flatulence

give me such a scare. 

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True story, folks. It was funny as hell.