Friday, May 22, 2009

In Which I've Done Some Thinking

Dear Son or Daughter,

I apologize for not knowing how to introduce this letter. I'm writing this to you long before your mother and I will try to conceive you. You don't exist in this world just yet, but that doesn't mean I haven't spent a fair amount of time thinking about you. I haven't shared these thoughts with anyone yet, and I wanted to tell you first. Not even your mother knows that I'm writing this, so lets keep this between you and me for now, okay?

Your mother has been asking me to have a child (that would be you) for a while now. The part of her that people call the Biological Clock has been ticking very loudly for her, and for the past year I've told her that I am not ready. This saddens her, as she wants to meet you pretty badly. She and I have talked about you (or at least the idea of you) in length, and she understands now when I say I am not ready to be a father.

I'm sure you are curious as to my reasons why, and to be honest, it took a while for me to figure it out for myself. You won't fully understand this until you are in this position yourself someday, but the main thing is that bringing a child into this world is a huge responsibility. Your mother and I are still pretty young, and there are times right now where we have trouble taking care of just ourselves. Life has given us a few lemons, as the saying goes, and I want to make sure that we can at least provide you with some half-decent lemonade before you come along. 

The other big reason, I'll admit, is a purely selfish one. I like the relationship I have with your mother right now, and I want a little more time with it being just her and I. I want to be able to enjoy some of our younger years together, to build our life to a point where the only thing that we both feel is missing from it is you. 

I want to make sure you know that my saying "I'm not ready to be a father" doesn't mean that I don't want you, my child. The thing is, I do want you. Contrary to what your mother thinks, I want you pretty badly, too. Sure, my heart strings might not get as strong a pull as your mother's do when we see a cute baby at the mall, but it still happens. 

You see, I want to feel you kick and hiccup while you grow inside your mother's womb. I want to hold you just after you are born and feel my life change. I want to look at you and see that you have my eyes and her nose. I want to help you learn to crawl, to walk, to ride a bike, to drive a car. I want to sit through tea parties and make blanket forts and scrub the crayon off the walls. I want to ground you when you do something wrong and reward you when you do something right. I want to watch you grow up faster than I thought to be possible. And yes, I want to worry constantly about your safety, and I want to be the one to provide that for you as long as you'll let me. I want everything that comes with the privilege of being your father, whatever that might be.

So, with all of that out of my mind and down on paper before you, I hope its not confusing to you why I still want to wait a little while to meet you. It all boils down to the fact that I may be an adult in the eyes of the world, but I feel that I've still got some growing up to do. I want to be as good a father as I can be to you, and its going to take me some time to get there. If you don't understand that now, I know you will understand it someday.

Be it with sugar and spice, or with snaps and snails, I love you wholeheartedly, my child.

Your (at-some-point-to-be) Dad

37 Comments:

abrandname said...

I'm a mess.

True, poignant, honest, and loving.

I know when The Boss reads this there will be tears....I know there are over here.

Sweet way to start a chronicle for your someday-to-be little one.

Daddy Files said...

Not only was this heartfelt and well written, but it had to have moved the Boss and bought you at least a week or two of no baby comments. Well done sir.

It's smart to wait, especially as young as you guys are. But just realize, you will never be truly ready. Ever.

lovelila said...

Very sweet! I had more to say, but for some reason can't put it together, but like a previous commenter said, I don't think there's ever a moment to truly be ready...just warned, haha! Nice job!

splodge said...

This is SUCH a tough (and touching) one - also intensely personal and a decision that only you two can make together.

Pass me another tissue someone?

Inna said...

Wow, that was so well put.
Mind if I forward this letter to my fiance and change the father to mother?

Moonspun said...

oh my god, badass. oh.my.god. That's just lovely. So hearfelt. Your child will chose you when the time is right...for you all. And they will be lucky to have you and the Boss for parents.
You are a good man. Even if you think you are young.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Hey, you're not supposed to make me cry at work!

This is now my most favorite post that you've written.

mrssoup said...

That is an amazing letter. So beautiful!

I was the one, like you, that was hesitant to procreate. I knew my husband would be an AMAZING father. He had so many examples of what not to do and an example of how to do it right (in my father) as well as the immense patience. I was worried about myself. Worried how I would do.

You can think you are ready or think you are not. But as soon as that baby comes out and you hold them in your arms, you are their parent. And the love you feel when you see their face is OVERWHELMING. And unbelievable.

I wish you the best of luck with your future child. You will be an amazing father.

Aunt Becky said...

*sniff, sniff*

You can borrow my kids for practice!!

Miss Grace said...

This is very sweet. You are going to be a great dad.

GeekByMarriage said...

Why you gotta make a girl cry like that? *sniff* You'll make an awesome day when the time comes.

Jen W said...

It is precisely because you are thinking about this, and how it will change you, that will make you an amazing parent!!!

The Boss said...

Wow, babe. That was amazing. You really know how to make a girl bawl her eyes out.
And BTW a little warning would have been nice. Here I am sitting at my desk at work, blubbering like a baby.
But seriously that letter really touched my heart. I love you so much and know that some day you will be as awesome of a dad as you are a husband.

sherpamom said...

This was a beautiful letter - I love that you can articulate your reasons into more than just I'm not ready. Having had this same battle with my husband, I'm sure this will make it easier for your wife to wait.

Notes From the Grove said...

You're totally gonna get laid tonight.

Haha. Sorry, I couldn't resist a smart-ass remark. But seriously...that was awesome. That's a lucky kid you'll have someday.

Badass Geek said...

To All: Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I've been notified that this letter will be featured on a fatherhood website (TheFatherLife.com) in mid-June. I'll give you more information as I know it.

joyiseverywhere said...

Love it. Truly.

Heather said...

My daughter is 15 and I still haven't grown up. =D

Mrs. B said...

Wow. This is totally what I've been thinking lately. As a Mrs. I have that whole biological clock thing going too, but I've decided to wait until I can best provide for a baby B.

Your list of all the things you're looking forward to made me tear up, thinking about when I will get to do those things. Thanks for putting yourself out there.

Lola said...

Great letter! You will make a great dad someday.

Roberto said...

I hope your future kid appreciates this letter whenever he or she gets around to reading it. We should all be so lucky to have a father who is so honest and loving.

Chris Mancini said...

You will obviously make a wonderful father. And you won't even have to buy any new toys or DVDs. Your kid can just use yours. See, being a geek actually saves you money.

Tony said...

Dude, that was great - When you do have a baby, he or she will be one lucky one to have you as a father.

Laura said...

That is such a great letter. I am sure your kiddo is going to enjoy reading that someday. My husband and I kept putting things off because we both felt we weren't ready. Both for financial reasons and because of all the things we wanted to do first. Then all of a sudden it hit us and we felt we were ready emotionally, and that was all that really mattered. We about 4 more months to go... I hope we're really ready! You'll know when its time and you'll be glad you waited!

Badass Geek said...

JoyIsEverywhere: Thank you.

Heather: There is still time, right?

Mrs B: It will be a magical time, whenever it happens.

Lola: I sure hope so.

Roberto: You are too kind, sir.

Chris Mancini: Now if I can just convince The Boss to let me buy more Lego's...

Tony: Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

Laura: Waiting is the best thing for us right now. We'll both know when we are more ready.

gingermagnolia said...

Well said.

daria said...

Oh wow, it's really amazing that you can reason like this, in such an empathetic and honest way. Biological clocks are seriously bitches, and I still haven't even figured mine out... But it sounds like you're on your way to figuring out what's best for you and your family, and that is really valuable.

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

When the time is right, you will be a great dad.
And by the way? The parnting thing is TOTALLY worth it. Don't let us carpers fool you. Those little buggers are so great, and you're spot-on about feeling your life change when you hold your child for the first time! It's a tremendous feeling.

Bee and Rose said...

This was absolutely beautiful:) I waited until I was thirty to have my first child and wouldn't change a thing. I am completely present for my kids because I had them when I was ready for them:)

What a lovely letter to the little Badass to Be!

Elley Belly said...

wow?
check me out

Rosa said...

that was probably the most truthful and i guess honest thing i have ever read!
open minded. Kudos.
=]

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camerabanger said...

My youngest left for school yesterday. He will graduate in a month and then he will be out there, finding his life, and building on the foundation that a good education, a great mom and his imperfect father (me)could give him. He will follow two older brothers and the house will echo with emptiness.
Your letter brought back all the memories that I had while we conceived and raised these three men. All I can say to you (really a re-mash of all you write about everyday...)is "Be Here Now!" Now I will scream it..."BE HERE NOW!!!"
Got it? Sure you do.

Erin said...

Wow. I'm 20-something too and my Hubs is trying to finish college - a thing that should be long behind us by now, but, alas, is not. My biological clock is ticking loudly now so I completely understand The Boss here. But for the first time possibly ever, I think you've made me realize how my husband must feel. I know he is ready for a baby because he says so, but I also have this intuition that he's not. After five years of marriage I would have expected a child by now, but, given our circumstances, I can see why Hubs may feel overwhelmed with the idea. Thanks for opening my eyes!

Susie said...

Awww. This is really sweet. :)

Brooke said...

Do not cry for anything buddy. A good writeup. I enjoyed

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