Tuesday, June 23, 2009

In Which I Become Inebriated

Yesterday, I got drunk.

As much as I wish I could save my ego and tell you that I got drunk for the first time ever in my life by consuming multiple alcoholic drinks, that simply was not the case. Herein lies the story about the time I got drunk by pounding back one shot.


Last night, while out to dinner with The Boss, I decided to order a drink. When I get drinks at restaurants (which is very infrequently), I order a shot of either Captain Morgan or whatever vanilla vodka they have. That way I can make my drink as strong or as weak as I'd like, or just pound back the shot and be done with it. So last night was nothing different, when the waitress came by to take our drink order.

"What would you like to drink?" the waitress asked. I motioned for The Boss to order first.

"I'll have a blackberry iced tea, please," The Boss said.

"And for you, sir?" the waitress asked, not looking up from her order pad.

"I'll have a Coke. And can I have a shot, too?"

She finally looks up. "Sure. What would you like?"

"I dunno..." I said, stalling. "How about a shot of Captain. Or Jack."

"We've got both, so which would you like?" She shifts her weight restlessly from one foot to the other.

I look at The Boss for a suggestion. I was tired and I couldn't make up my mind. She holds up two fingers, suggesting I order my second choice.

"Let's go with Jack," I say finally.

"Jack it is," the waitress says, and leaves to get our drinks.

A few minutes later she comes back. She sets The Boss' iced tea on a coaster, and does the same with my Coke. Next, she sets down a chilled double-shot glass filled with an amber liquid on the table next to my coaster. I look at it thirstily. We order our entrees, and the waitress leaves.

After I sip at my Coke for a bit, The Boss looks at me curiously.

"What?" I ask.

"Aren't you going to take your shot while it's still cold?"

"No, I'm going to wait until I have had some of my food first. I don't want it to sit heavy on my empty stomach."

"Okay," she says, with an inflection that seems to say 'it's your funeral.'

Having done plenty of shots before, I brush it off. Our food comes out shortly after, and by then I have forgotten all about it. With gusto, I dig into my bacon cheeseburger. When I'm about halfway through it, I pick up the shot glass. It's lukewarm now, so I decide to just pound back the shot rather than have it warm up my Coke. The Boss sets down her silverware and sits back, eyes wide.

I raised the shot glass to my lips, poured it down, and with a quick toss of my head, swallow. I grimaced as it burned on the way down. I felt the warmth of the drink travel the length of my throat and settle heavily into my stomach. The burning intensified, spreading up into my sinus cavities. I cough, trying to clear my throat but there is nothing there to be cleared. Tears pool in the corners of my eyes. I reach blindly for my Coke glass and gulp it down.

Once I gained my composure, I notice The Boss looking at me with a smug grin on her face.

"What?" I cough.

"Not what you were expecting, was it?" she asks.

"No, not really." I clear my throat again. "It has been a while since I've done a shot of rum."


"Yeah." I point at the empty shot glass. "Rum."

"That wasn't rum, Mike. That was Jack Daniels."

I blinked a couple of times, and the alcohol hits me in the face like a brick wall.

"That was whiskey?" I ask, confused and becoming just slightly dizzy.

"Yeah. You just did a double shot of room-temperature whiskey. How do you feel?"

I couldn't answer her. I was too busy holding onto the table to keep from falling over. And just like that, I realized I had blazed right past being buzzed.

I was drunk.

I guess there is a first time for everything. I just didn't think I'd be that easy.

P.S. I had intended to order a shot of Calico Jack, for some reason not realizing that most restaurants don't carry bottom shelf spiced rums.


Miss Grace said...

so how was it?

Aunt Becky said...

Oh, next year I will take you to Whiskey Fest. It's amazing.

GeekByMarriage said...

You're supposed to do shots cold? Bah!
Captn Morgan's my bitch!

mrssoup said...

Oh goodness! I find it hilarious that you didn't order know you ordered Jack Daniels!

Mmmmm, vanilla vodka is yummy....I really like Raspberry Rum too, with a Pepsi. Yum!

And a really good idea on the ordering a shot to mix with your soda...will totally have to steal that idea.

Mrs. B said...

LOL. I know how you feel; I am a total lightweight and can only ever handle about one shot. If I'm drinking rum, though, I prefer Malibu.

Salut! chou chou said...

That is hilarious! I can totally see that happening to someone though! The Boss knew all along...she must have died laughing at some point in the night.

Moonspun said...

Love it! That's hilarious...the Boss must get to witness some cool stuff being with you!

Jenn(ifer) said...

I absolutely love this!

"it's your funeral"


Notes From the Grove said...

Aw man, we gotta hang out or something. I have SO much to teach you, my friend. *snicker*

Lola said...

And that's why I keep my Jack in the freezer!

Children of the Nineties said...

Congratulations. I must say, room temperature whiskey is not my fave, but it certainly does the job.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Uh oh, a Jack Attack!

Logical Libby said...

I really love the fact your wife tricked you into doing a double whiskey shot... You know that's why she held up the two fingers.

She was really just trying to give you the middle one.

lovelila said...

WOW! Hahaha! I'm terrible at doing shots, but I learned something new about reading this. You're supposed to do shots cold? Hmm...

Cape Cod Gal said...

And....what happened when you got home? You didn't get to the juicy part.

Badass Geek said...

Miss Grace: At first, it was like a kick in the face. And then, it was still like a kick in the face.

Aunt Becky: Sounds like fun!

Geek By Marriage: Whiskey is better to be consumed cold.

Mrs Soup: I will forever double-check my thoughts before I order a shot, now.

Mrs B: Malibu is good, too.

Salut: I don't think she tricked me, I just think she thought I knew what I was ordering.

Moonspun: You have no idea.

Jenn(ifer): It really felt like it was.

NFTG: Next time you come to Maine, look me up.

Lola: I will never make that mistake again.

COTN: It certainly does.

Employee No 3699: Oh, yes.

Logical Libby: I'd like to think she wasn't tricking me. Because if she was, man, I've got one HELL of a reason for payback.

Love Lila: Whiskey is better to be served cold. I guess it burns less.

Cape Cod Gal: The juicy part? I crashed when we got home, and went to bed early. Exciting, eh?

Kat said...

You are too adorable! LOL! I wish I was such a cheap date.

Laura said...

That is great you can get drunk for so cheap! I remember in highschool my and my friend would take shots of jack and chase it with beer. It was our drink of choice for quite a while. I wouldn't touch the shit now though... I have become quite the lightweight (and not just because I am pregnant).

BeautifulWreck said...

LMAO... Jack is my drink of choice. When I first started reading this before I got to the end, I began to think he doesn't realize he is about to drink JD! Funny, funny. I prefer a hard whiskey over any other drink. That amazes most men! But it looks like there are some ladies here who like their whiskey too. My kind of ladies!

The Peach Tart said...

I like my whiskey and I like it straight and cold

Roberto said...

Hahaha. Aww.... poor guy.

I always make sure to specify what brand I want lest I be served some crap house gin or vodka.

But I can relate to your whiskey experience. Was at a bar with my then-girlfriend and she unknowingly ordered a drink consisting primarily of whiskey. I, being a courteous gentleman, told her we could switch drinks. Bad idea. The most exciting thing that happened that night was that she managed to get me back to the hotel without me collapsing on the sidewalk.

Badass Geek said...

Kat: I'm not normally so easy. It was kind of embarrassing.

Laura: The Boss is a lightweight now, too. She got sloshed on 1/2 of a martini recently.

Beautiful Wreck: I'll try some Jack again soon, but you better believe it'll be on ice.

The Peach Tart: Good to know.

Roberto: I know the feeling, my friend. All too well.

Nej said...

You only live once...did you order a second? :-)

Johnny Virgil said...

Mr. Daniels and I had a fight once, and he won. Never again.

Badass Geek said...

Nej: A second one? The first one almost killed me.

Johnny Virgil: Jack fights dirty.

DesBisoux said...

hahahaa! love that story!

Anonymous said...

Did anyone ever mention Sailor Jerry? Lovely, smooth spiced rum. Tha Best.

-V said...

LOL - the Boss should be happy she's with you. She must have laff-till-u-die moments everyday!

Personal Training Hampstead said...

Haha :) Nice one, well except for the room temperature whiskey - Can't drink it unless it's cold and on ice.

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