Wednesday, July 29, 2009

In Which I Avert My Eyes

An Open Letter To The Scarily Large Woman In Front Of Me At The Grocery Store Checkout:

Before I get down to the point of this letter, I feel the need to preface it a bit by saying that I do not have much of a fashion sense, if any at all. I know that it is frowned upon to wear socks with sandals, that horizontal stripes don't mix with vertical stripes, and something about wearing white only after Labor Day. Or is it not wearing white after Labor Day? It doesn't matter. The long and short of it is that when it comes to clothing, I wear more of what is comfortable as opposed to what is in style (not that I'd know what truly is considered to be "in style" anyways).

With that said, I don't normally make comments about what people choose to wear. I don't judge a book by it's cover (okay, so I did that once, but it was merited), so why should I, of all people, tear someone apart based upon their attire? As a man who once wore a brown shirt over brown shorts and thereby resembled a giant walking turd, I know there is more to someone than the clothes they wear. And even then, so long as you are comfortable, who cares?

However.

When it is 90 degrees outside with 85% humidity and you are sweating like you just hand-split a cord of firewood while standing in line in front of me at the grocery store, I have every right to judge your stupidity and say that your choice of short shorts and a ribbed white cotton t-shirt was ill-advised.

Let us discuss a few things, starting with the shorts, shall we?

As a person of... larger dimensions, you should know the benefit of dressing to fit your body type. Regardless of how comfortable those short shorts may have been (and forgive me if I am being rude here), it looked like your ass had swallowed up most of your shorts as you meandered through the store. When it comes time to change out of those later, you're probably going to need some backup, so have a few friends come by to help. Just remember to stretch adequately first.

Moving on to your shirt. Any woman should know that a thin white t-shirt is not really appropriate to wear in public (without anything underneath it). Due to the humidity and your aforementioned heavy sweating, your shirt was thinner and more transparent than any of the lies you hear tossed around on that lame TV show, Divorce Court. All transparentness aside, though, my more pressing concern was that your bazoongas looked like they were fighting for their freedom from under that shirt harder than detainees at a POW camp. Strap those yahbos down before someone gets hurt.

Those really are the only complaints that I have. You weren't wearing anything else that caught my attention, so I am out of things to chastise you for. I guess that is all that I have to say.... no, wait. Come to think of it, I do have something else. Something to thank you for, actually. While staring at the back of your legs like one does an accident on the highway, the pattern of the veins behind your knee reminded me of a road map, which brought to mind a shortcut that saved me three minutes on my drive home. Score!

Signed,

The Man In Line Behind You

28 Comments:

Tammy Howard said...

Oh, shit - sorry about that. I'll throw on some capri's and a brassiere next time. My bad.

Moonspun said...

Hilarious! "Stretch before" that was my favorite line..
I do wonder if people look in the mirror before they leave the house and say "yea I look damn good" before they wear something hideous.

Natalie said...

If you think that is bad you should live near the ocean for awhile. If you want to see some butt floss that isn't intentionally a thong that's the place for it.

Big girls in little outfits galore!

My personal fave is when girls are walking up the boardwalk with jeans shorts on that are to tight to button so they just leave flopped open.

Inna said...

I'm starting to wonder where you live Badass, I mean with people shitting in stores, wearing inappropriate clothing, being slightly large...

oh wait, are you living down the street from me?? Cause I saw a man take a shit on the sidewalk the other day, and I usually have to fend my way out of stores sometimes when some larger people are blocking the exits.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Well at least you got home three minutes sooner.

mysterg said...

I've always thought that we should tax fat people - why should normal people pay the same price for a piece of clothing as a fat person does when they use twice the material?

After reading this, I'm having second thoughts.

Notes From the Grove said...

You should know that the whole "white before/after Labor Day" (whatever) is totally obsolete in today's fashion world.

Just sayin'.

Kim said...

I think the thought of some braless, transparent shirted monster in short shorts may show up in my nightmares later on.
If I were you I might consider moving, although these people do make for great blogging material.

Why Mom Drinks Rum said...

Stop being so good at describing things.

Now please.

Unless they are a) hot boobs, b) chocolate anything, or c) cute animals.

Danielle-lee said...

Bazoongas. *snort*

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahaha...good stuff, my man...well, not good for you to have to recount...that must be more like being asked to recount the terrors of a POW camp...but hey, we the readers are benefiting!

Heather said...

So mean! And yet so funny! You never fail to crack me up!

Mrs Soup said...

Oh brilliant!

Yes, I never understand what goes through their minds when getting dressed. So sad....

But does make great blog fodder!

BeautifulWreck said...

As Natalie said, live near the ocean, or the beach and you will see all kinds of thing. Especially when the snow birds are down here.

Jewels said...

EEEK!!

Kristina said...

I try not to make fun of people I don't know (if I know you, too bad) but some people make it so freaking hard! Like the lady I saw today wearing a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt, white crocs with DIAMOND STUDDED little doo-hickies that you stick on the top, and white knee-high socks. And, if someone is of the larger variety, I am all for confidence and great body image, but there are limits people, limits!! They make clothes in your size. Utilize them. This had me laughing out loud. Great post!

Aunt Becky said...

Dude. Way to make fun of my Dad. Asshole.

Melissa said...

I know that lady! She is the one who ruined casual Friday's for everyone else.

So I am guessing you used to be a UPS guy? Those brown socks with the gold stripe are HOT!

Children of the 90s said...

The description is pretty frightening, I'll give you that. Really conjured up an unfortunate mental image. I think I'll go wash my eyeballs now.

Sandy said...

Reminds me of the guy on the beach in Mexico a few years ago who looked like he was going to need his Speedo surgically removed. (((shudder)))

Aunt Juicebox said...

I ALWAYS have shit to say about the way people dress. If you are immodest, I am judgemental. When my sister was here, I was making fun of a girl wearing a glow in the dark hot pink spandex mini skirt with her belly hanging over the top. At least I didn't let her over hear me, like my sister did, when she said "looks like somebody got dressed in the dark."

Lola said...

Hey, she sounds hot!

Badass Geek said...

Tammy Howard: No problemo.

Moonspun: Stretching is important. You don't want to pull a muscle.

Natalie: Trust me, I know this to be true. I've been to enough beaches (ocean and otherwise) and have seen enough anal floss to last me a lifetime.

Inna: The shit incident happened in Massachusetts. This story happened up here in Maine.

Employee No 3699: Yeah, at least there is that.

Myster G: Yeah, you wouldn't want them wearing smaller clothing because they didn't want to pay extra.

NFTG: Good to know.

Kim: You're welcome. =)

WMDR: I'll see what I can do.

Danielle-Lee: One of my favorite nicknames.

Organic Meatbag: It wasn't all that bad. Sharing it all with you is my form of therapy.

Heather: Thank you!

Mrs Soup: It sure does.

Beautiful Wreck: Having lived in a tourist town on a lake, I know first hand.

Jewels: Indeed.

Kristina: Some people ask for it, whether they mean to or not.

Aunt Becky: Hey. I call 'em as I see 'em.

Melissa: No, my attire was just poor planning.

COTN: You're welcome. =)

Sandy: UGH. Speedos are just WRONG.

Aunt Juicebox: This woman had to have gotten dressed with the lights on. There was no way she could have wormed herself into those shorts without seeing what she was doing.

Lola: Dude. You have NO idea.

for the love of pictures said...

Everyone should have to keep a full length mirror right by the front door as a not-so-subtle reminder to give yourself a once over before leaving the house.

You are hilarious :) The shirt description was funny, but the shorts description was too much! Sorry you had to experience such trauma at the store, but you got a great post out of it - and a shortcut home :)

FrankandMary said...

First of all, you tell this so well. Do we live in the same town? I had this same experience at a Rite Aid, only, lucky me, she had a bathing suit on. ~Mary

Laura said...

Oh gross! People like that must not have any mirrors in their house.

Nej said...

I'm as much for comfort as the next person, but....yowsa!!! People walking down the street naked get a fine, or a ticket, or something. I see no difference here!!!

Also...if you are that large, and your shorts are being eaten by you a**...aren't your legs rubbing together? She's got to have some chaffing going on!!!!

lovelila said...

Whoa, I think you were standing in line behind my old manager from the lingerie store... *shudders*

This was hilarious! Haha!

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