Tuesday, July 14, 2009

In Which I Didn't Expect Anything Less

Last night, while at Denny's satisfying an unhealthy craving for a greasy cheeseburger, The Boss and I were treated to a rather amusing show by some of the local crackheads. It was clear that he was strung out on something, as his pupils were swimming in a sea of bloodshot white. He was there with his girlfriend, who was equally as fucked up.

They staggered into the restaurant just after The Boss and I. As we waited to be seated, with the performers-du-jour standing right behind us, the show began.

"I love you," the male junkie (I'll call him Junkhead) said loudly. His voice was high-pitched and wobbly.

"I love you, too," replied the girlfriend (Junkette). Her voice was laced heavily with annoyance. She sounded like she was just minutes away from whipping out the letter opener in her purse and viciously stabbing him. (I imagined that she had a letter opener instead of a knife because aren't all white-trash murder weapons something surprisingly unconventional?)

"But hunn-neee!" Junkead whined. "I love you!" He sounded more like a spoiled, whiny kid in a toy store trying to wear down his parents resolve than a man in his mid-thirties.

"I love you, too!" Junkette snapped angrily. "Now shut the fuck up! You're embarrassing me!"

It warmed my heart to see such affection.

We were eventually seated at one end of the restaurant, with the amorous pair seated at the other. Junkhead continued to talk loudly, pondering aloud about what he should order. With everything he said, Junkette told him to shut the fuck up. It was like a verbal game of Tug-Of-War.
"Mebee I'll get thuh 'Moons Over My Hammie'. Dat sounds tasty."
"Okay, fine, then. Would you shut the fuck up?"
"Naw, I'm gunna get the Chicken Skillet." (He sounded pleased with himself)
"Okay," Junkette sighed. "Now shut the fuck up!"
During their exchange before the waitress took their order, the two kids sitting behind us with their father were enjoying themselves. They giggled quietly each time Junkette sparked blue.

"Dad!" one of them whispered. "She said a bad word!"

"I know, son. Just finish your dinner." I can only imagine the questions he'd face from their mother if the kids repeated anything they heard at home.

The Boss and I sat silently, pretending not to listen but listening intently so as to not miss a word that was said. During a brief moment of silence in the restaurant, I spoke.

"I totally got dibs on blogging about this."

The cook prepared Junkhead and Junkette's meal blessedly fast. Our meal was served shortly after, and for a while things were quiet. Our waitress came over to check on us when we were halfway through. As she left our table, Junkhead got up from his seat and approached her.

"Ken I git some more-ah deez... tings?" he asked, gesturing with something pinched between his fingers.

"More tomatoes? Sure," the waitress said. This seemed like it was old hat to her. Considering the part of town we were in, I imagined it was.

Junkhead turned back towards his seat, muttering to himself. "Tomatoes. Toe-may-toes. Tommy-toes. Toe-maye-ters. Toms. Toe-ma-toe. Tommys."

From there on out it was the same old song and dance. He'd speak, she'd tell him to shut the fuck up. The father and his kids left after a little while, the two boys giggling all the way out the door. The Boss and I conversed lightly in between proclamations of love and annoyance from the table furthest down.

As we were finishing up our meal, Junkhead and Junkette got up from their table to use the bathroom. Feeling playful, Junkhead slapped Junkette's ass, and hard. She whipped around and jabbed a finger in his face.

"Will you cut that shit out?" she yelled. "You're annoying me!"

"I'm sorree!" Junkhead whined, and stomped into the Mens Room. Junkette stomped equally as hard on her way into the Ladies Room.

Our waitress brought the check over while they were in the bathroom. The Boss placed her debit card on the check, and shortly after the server came back to run the card through. While she was at the register putting the receipts in the check folder, Junkhead emerged from the bathroom, his hands dripping wet.

"She an' I, yeah, we've been together fer 15 months," he said to no one in particular. "Yeah, we've been a cupple for almos' a yeer an' a haff. We's gunna get married soon, but weer takin' it slow.

Our server nodded politely, and brought back the check to sign. The Boss filled out the merchant copy quickly and put her card back into her purse. I heard a door squeak open and turned to see Junkette exiting the bathroom, urgently rubbing her nose lengthwise with her index finger.

Hearing the bathroom door open, too, Junkhead spun around. He raised his hands and tucked his elbows back, and ran towards Junkette.

"RAWR! Rawr! Imma T-Rex!" he yelled. Water flung from his fingertips as he grappled for her.

Junkette screamed and punched him in the stomach.

In unison, The Boss and I got up from the table and high-tailed it for the door.

"Come back soon!" our waitress called after us. I looked back to see her nonchalantly organizing her slips behind the counter. Junkhead had Junkette wrapped in a bear hug and was smothering her with kisses. Junkette was screaming at him to let go.

Out in the parking lot, The Boss and I started laughing.

"I love you!" I said, imitating Junkhead.

"I love you, too! Now just the fuck up!"

Terms of endearment, I tell you.


Moonspun said...

I have always thought that "Moon over my Hammie" was the BEST name for a meal!
here is an example of why you are a great writer...you include the inflection of how they talk!
I also totally cracked up about you telling the Boss that YOU had dibs on blogging about it.

Inna said...

Oh man, that was awesome!
You think they'll invite you to their wedding??

Aunt Juicebox said...

OK, dude, I don't appreciate you talkin' bout me on your blog. That was a private date between me and my man. Now I'm gonna hafta punch you in the stomach.

for the love of pictures said...

Hahahaha :) "RAWR! Rawr! Imma T-Rex!" That was great! Of course, I spilled my water all over my desk and papers when I read it, but it was worth it :)

Single Parent Dad said...

You just don't get that in a drive thru.

mrssoup said...

Best. Night. Ever.

Who needs a movie for entertainment?!?!

Hilarious! I love the dibs calling as well for blogging.

Melista said...

Hey badass. Thank u so much for chatting with me!

Aunt Becky said...

So you saw The Daver and I out and about. Charming.

mysterg said...

Ah a tragic love story that even Shakespeare would be proud of.

Organic Meatbag said...

Cocaine's a hell of a drug! No, strike that...crack is a hell of a drug! Great fucking story!

Daddy Files said...

So what I learned from this sordid little tale is that The Boss picked up the tab for dinner at Denny's. Badass, you cheap bastard! ;-)

Maureen said...

Ahahahaha! That was great (er, well great to hear; I certainly wouldn't want to have actually BEEN there).

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I would totally have told him to shut the fuck up too!! And I wouldn't need coke to do that!!

I guess they may need to take it even more sloooowly!

Jewels said...

Yeah that sounds about right for Denny's. I wish they still had the meat lovers skillet. Last time I was there it was noticeably absent from the menu. But it had all the pig meats!

Mad Woman said...

Those kids are going to have a hay day tormenting their mother. And that dad? Yeah...he's gonna be cut off from the nookie for MONTHS!

Lana said...

you just made crackheads more human and endearing to me, that's true talent.

Jason said...

Great site man. I was wondering if we could possible exchange links. Let me know what you think about my humor blog.


Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: It is a creative name, isn't it?

Inna: I sure hope not!

Aunt Juicebox: Be gentle.

FTLOP: If only you had been there.

SPD: That is so true.

Mrs Soup: It was definitely the most interesting night in a while.

Melista: No problem.

Aunt Becky: Why didn't you tell me you were in Maine?

Mister G: Shakespeare would have loved to have been there.

Organic Meatbag: Thanks, man.

Daddy Files: We have the same account. So yes, she "paid" for me, but really, "we" paid for "us".

Maureen: It was scary and entertaining at the same time. Lets just say I kept my butter knife close to hand.

Roshni: Yes. Slow is a good pace for them.

Jewels: Anything "Meat Lovers" is destined to be good. Pizza, omelets, skillets... anything.

Mad Woman: I know. I truly felt bad for the guy.

Lana: *takes a bow*

Jason: Thanks, man. I'll take a look.

Employee No. 3699 said...

I'm still laughing at you calling dibbs!

I guess the next time the hubs and I are looking to go out for dinner and a show I'll keep Denny's in mind.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I think you should both blog about it. I bet her take on it would be just as funny!

lovelila said...

LMAOOOO! I'm pretty sure I would have pissed myself upon hearing the T-Rex thing. OMG. Fantastic.

Laura said...

Wow... now if the Denny's by my house was that entertaining, I might actually go there more often.

Nej said...

Dinner and a show!!!! Nothing better! :-)

Lola said...

Crackheads are always great for entertainment, just as long as you're not on a date with one!

Sandy said...

Just brings a tear to my eye.

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