Wednesday, July 8, 2009

In Which I Figure It Out For Myself

When I was a kid, probably at ten or eleven years old, I figured out what sex was.

It wasn't because my Dad sat me down and told me about the birds and the bees. It wasn't because I accidentally walked in on my parents in the throes of passion (which? THANK GOD). It wasn't because I found a stash of skin mags or because I stumbled upon a porno.

No. I learned how sex worked by helping my father wire up one of our televisions with cable.

Allow me to explain.

My Dad came home from work at the cable company one day with a bundle of cable wire and a handful of connectors. He said something to my mother about finally getting around to wiring up the television in their bedroom, and then turned to me and asked if I wanted to help. I readily agreed, despite knowing that when you're a ten-year-old kid there isn't much you can do to help with such a task other than hand him the tool he's requesting or hold the flashlight aimed at the project in question.

To cut out the boring play-by-play, let us fast forward a bit. The hole in the wall has been drilled, the cable line measured and cut, and there is not much else left to do other than clamp on the connectors and thread them together. My Dad picks up the crimping tool.

"Mike, hand me one of those female connectors, would'ya?" he asks.

I look at the pile of brass connectors, confused. "Which one?"

He points. "That one."

I pick up one of the connectors and hand it over. He crimps it onto the cable, grimacing as he pulls the pliers as tightly closed as he can.

"And now, can I have one of the male connectors?"

There was only one other type left in the pile, so I didn't have to ask for clarification.

And suddenly, it sort of clicked in my head.

Male connectors... Female connectors. The male connector goes inside of the female connector. It all makes so much SENSE now!

I had, of course, learned what body parts boys have and what body parts girls have, but this experience of wiring up a television made all the puzzle pieces fall into place. It's a good thing I figured it out for myself, too, because my Dad never did sit me down for the "birds and bees" talk.

Come to think of it, maybe that was his way of subtly hinting at it.


Danielle-lee said...

bwahahahahahahaha! That's great!

Jenn(ifer) said...

A whole new perspective to it.
How perfect!

Jewels said...

HA! When I was like 14 my parents were hanging Christmas lights and they were discussing the "female" and "male" parts of the extension cords and it just weirded me out. But then again I was an angsty teenager full of angst.

Nej said...

Love it!

In my family, there wasn't any sex talk either. One day, the day of my junior or senior prom (I forget which), dad handed me a condom and said "be careful."

And that was that. End of talk.

Salut! chou chou said...

To be honest with you, I didn't quite understand why they were called "female" and "male" parts until somewhat recently...I know...duh!

I think this was a great way for you to have it all fall together - nothing is scarier than "the talk" when you are a teen.

Moonspun said...

Like jewels, I had a Christmas tree light experience! Although I had a sex talk with my mom because when I was 9 I taught my 5 year old sister to say "fuck" and then when she said it to my mom, I got in trouble and then admitted I had no idea what it meant!

mrssoup said...

What a great way to do it!

I had a weekend with my mom where we had a talk, but I was 12 or 13, so it wasn't too scary yet. And we talked about more than just sex, but I also got to have just mom and me time. It was wonderful!

Aunt Becky said...

That sex talk is awesome.

GeekByMarriage said...

And that day, a geek was born. Nothing like equating electronics with sex to get some geeky juices flowing.

Children of the 90s said...

Haha, I also remember when I first heard male and female in reference to assembly I had no idea what it meant. This tops the birds and the bees talk, hands down.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Too funny. This is why I love you.

Inna said...

hahahha! That's great!
I wonder what he would have said if you had told him your epiphany. :)

Sandy said...

You really think that was his plan, huh?

Single Parent Dad said...

Is that why they make ribbed condoms?

Aunt Juicebox said...

I swear we're related....maybe I'm your real birth mom? I dunno....anyway, a very similar thing happened to me at about the same age, 9 or 10, when I was helping my dad put together a series of hoses and he showed me the male and female ends, and suddenly, all the dirty jokes my cousins told me suddenly made sense.

golublog said...

Which tool stands for foreplay?

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

duh! I didn't even know they were called that! Yes, I definitely think that was a hint! And what a great way of explaining it!!

Laura said...

I will have to keep that one in mind for my husband if we ever have a boy... good way to have the talk!

AK said...

hahaa I remember my dad and grandfather saying the same things to me!

Badass Geek said...

Danielle-Lee: Glad you enjoyed it!

Jenn(ifer): Indeed.

Jewels: I remember being an angsty teenager.

Nej: Short and sweet.

Salut: Hey, at least you learned it!

Moonspun: I yelled "FUCK YOU!" at my sisters once. MAN did I get into trouble.

Mrs Soup: Everyone should have that experience.

Aunt Becky: Heck yes.

Geek By Marriage: You know it!

COTN: Health Education classes should take a hint.

Employee No 3699: Aww, shucks.

Inna: I don't know, and I don't intend to find out.

Sandy: I honestly don't know, but it wouldn't surprise me too much if it was.

SPD: Quite possibly, yes.

Aunt Juicebox: I didn't think you were old enough to have a 23 year old son.

Golublog: I have no idea.

Roshni: I'll probably tell the same thing to my son, when the time comes.

Laura: It's teaching two things at once!

AK: So I guess it wasn't just me.

Kat said...

I am just speechless and laughing my butt off.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Technically, yes I am. Just barely. I would've been going on 13 when you were born.

Organic Meatbag said...

Wow...and I learned about sex by watching two Rhinos going at it at the zoo...and I mean that was like 4 years ago!

Daddy Files said...

I liked this story. It's much better than my dad, who tried to be cool and showed me the Playboy with Anna Nicole Smith in it.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I had already spanked it to that -- and several other mags and videos -- countless times during my budding adolescence.

Male and female connectors. I'll have to remember that and stash it away in my parenting arsenal.

daria said...

Haha, what a father-son moment of going around this awkward issue (not that it should be awkward, but it obviously must be awkward for parents). I remember my parents bought me a kid-version book of "where babies come from" and then I was the outcast in my group of friends who disagreed about babies residing in the belly. Such a weirdo I was talking about uteri (?) and all.

Lola said...

Hehehe! Growing up on a farm, I learned pretty quickly by watching the bull take care of the ladies.

Melista said...

Hey badass. If you look anything like your picture I'm in love with you!

Melista said...

Here's my email address: LOL!

Badass Geek said...

Kat: Glad I could help!

Aunt Juicebox: Well, I started out trying to compliment you. Feel free to take it now as you'd like. =)

Organic Meatbag: It doesn't matter when, just that you learned at all!

Daddy Files: You can thank me later.

Daria: You had the upper hand, you just didn't know it then.

Lola: They don't call 'em studs for no reason!

Melista: Well, my haircut is long overdue and I do wear glasses... but my goatee and sideburns sort of nix the look from there.

MIT Mommy said...

My husband refers to the Thomas the train track pieces that way (well, we all do now). So, there are 'male-male' and 'female-female' pieces.

Hopefully that won't send my children into therapy.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I still giggle everytime I hear people use those words in the hardware store.

Bee and Rose said...

That is classic! I'm still trying to figure out what to tell my kids!

absolutezero2382 said...

Wow how appropriate for the title of your blog man...... I love it, so innocent yet based around electronics is your foundation for how boy parts and girl parts go together!

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