Monday, July 27, 2009

In Which I Have Clouded Judgement

Last week, during the drive down to Boston for my appointment, The Boss and I decided to stop for a stretch break. We had been driving for a what felt like a couple hours, had amassed 100 miles on the odometer, and both of our legs were feeling cramped. Besides that, I was starting to feel like my bladder was organizing some other organs together to form a mutiny.

We discussed briefly the need to stop for a little while. We were quite a bit ahead of schedule, so stopping for an hour or so wouldn't be a problem. At this point we were headed southbound on Route 129 in Lynnfield, Massachusetts, so our choices were plentiful.

"Where would you like to stop?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't care. Just some place where I stretch my legs and walk around a bit," The Boss replied.

"Okay, well, do you just want to take a stretch break, or would you like to find a place to poke around for a little bit? Maybe get something to snack on?"

"Umm... I don't know."

The Boss has a habit, as I'm sure most women do, of not always expressing what she truly wants, even when asked directly. I'll admit to getting frustrated by it, but I find that if I ask some follow-up clarification questions, I can better judge what she wants. And when The Boss is happy, I'm happy (if you catch my drift).

So we continue driving down the road, and I'm calling out suggestions as I see them. She declines each one, but I'm starting to pick up something in the tone of her voice. I don't have enough time to think about it before we slam heavily through a pothole the size of Europa and my bladder sends me a message.

Hey. This is your Bladder. Remember that time you held your piss for too long in the second grade, and you made an ass of yourself by tinkling in your pants? Yeah. That's going to happen again if you don't get yourself to a fucking urinal... pronto.

Just then, The Boss' face lights up. "Look! Right there!" She points. "A Christmas Tree Shop!"

She turns to look at me, excited. "Can we go?"

"Sure," I said, in a decision powered solely by my now-painful need to urinate. We were hurtling down the road at 60mph, so the entrance for the store came up quickly. I hit the brakes and pulled into the parking lot.

I feel the need to mention, at least for the sake of rescuing my masculinity, that under normal circumstances, I would never so readily agree to enter the haven for cheaply made products where just about everything has "Made In China" stickers emblazoned on it. I mean, I love a bargain just as much as the next person, but I have to the draw the line somewhere. Besides, like the title of this post says, my judgement was clouded.

So, we park the car and enter the store. The Boss grabs a basket and I make a beeline for the restroom. As Murphy's Law would have it, it's on the opposite side of the store from the entrance. Also? It's right in the middle of the cosmetics department, which for a guy, is awesome. And if you must know, the business of expressing my bladder went as expected, and I used the "two-shake clean-up" technique before zipping back up. I washed my hands (with soap!) and left to see what items The Boss had found that she just could not live without.

Throughout our wanderings in the store, we encountered a blind woman who was looking at the framed art. Yes, you read me correctly. A blind woman. Looking at the art. Well, to be honest, she kept asking her companion what each piece looked like.

"Well, Bertha, it's a rose. Roses are red."

"Ah, okay. Mmm hmm."

They were kind of hogging the aisle, so we left for a different part of the store. There really wasn't anything else that happened during the rest of our time in the store that is worth mentioning.

Oh, except that someone decided it was a good idea to drop trou and take a big steaming shit in the middle of the store. As in, on the tile floor. In the middle of the displays of canvas storage cartons and summertime water toys.

Just in case you missed that, someone TOOK A SHIT. ON THE FLOOR. It smelled absolutely HORRIBLE. I mean, all shit smells bad, but this was like the epitome of stink. If there was ever an Olympic competition for the smelliest poo, this would have won the gold, silver, AND bronze medals.

It should go without saying that we left as soon as possible. Like, we smelled the shit, heard what happened (someone said it looked like an elephant had passed through), and POOF! we were done shopping and headed for the checkout.

And I thought we'd see stuff like that in Boston. I guess the real weirdos live in Lynnfield*.

*My apologies to any of my readers who live in Lynnfield, MA.


Aunt Juicebox said...

Wow, somebody must have been super pissed at that place. Or the blind woman had a service dog that was wandering loose around the store? Many times a business or place has made me mad enough to want to shit, but I know if I tried it, I'd fall over, probably right into my own pile of poo.

Kathy Garmus said...

Great story! I have to say, there are two stores that seem to give me anxiety attacks without fail: Christmas Tree Shop and Wal-Mart.

JennyMac said...

well...all kinds of orifice talk today...but I did get quite a giggle out of "tinkling in my pants". HAHA. Christmas Tree shop? UGH. I would rather tinkle pants I think. LOL.

This is why I gave you awards today.

Bee and Rose said...

Holy Poo-Poo, Badass! That is just nasty! Props to you for at least managing to get to the bathroom!!!

(I feel bad for The Boss...I hope her holiday shopping is ruined forever!)

Lola said...

And yet another reason why I'll never, ever enter a Christmas Tree Shop!

Notes From the Grove said...

What in the hell??? I can't believe someone took a POO in the middle of the store! Are you sure it wasn't a dog or something??? LOL! That is AWESOME!

Tammy Howard said...

Wait - someone - what? Where? Good Lord.

for the love of pictures said...

Hahaha, that's just too funny. I cannot believe that someone actually did that in the middle of the store. I mean, I get that when you gotta go, you gotta go, but come on!

mrssoup said...

ahahahahahaha omg. That is a great post to read on a Monday morning. Glad it was you and not me!

Cape Cod Gal said...

I love the Christmas Tree Shop - but that is just wrong!

mysterg said...

Someone clarly voted with their ass!

Natalie said...

I just laughed so hard I got tears. So now I'm sitting at my desk trying my hardest not to laugh out loud with tears streaming down my face. So much for my mascara.

Thanks though it's been a long time since anything funny has happened at work.

Aunt Juicebox said...

OK after reading these comments I just have to say, what the heck is Christmas tree shop? Is this some sort of east coast phenomenon?

Aunt Becky said...

I took that shit. Just so you'd have something to blog about.

Sandy said...

You're kidding, right? No? Wow...and you didn't even stick around to find out the Who or Why? Never did care for the store....I always thought it was full of crap...but not the real kind!

Mwa said...

A christmas tree store! You wacky Americans. I would love that store.

Inna said...

I had completely formulated a comment in my head while reading that was along the lines of how my fiance is a lot like your wife, he, like most women (hehe), doesn't express what he truly wants... but then, THEN, I read about the shit, and was speechless...

FrankandMary said...

I probably vocalize what I want TOO MUCH, so I am making up for your wife a bit.

The crap? I've worked in healthcare so long that all pretense of civilized society is gooonnnneee.

Jewels said...

Okay that is a good story but the way you told it made it even better. Nice.

Badass Geek said...

Aunt Juicebox: I didn't see any service dog.

Kathy Garmus: Same here.

JennyMac: I'd almost rather pee my pants than revisit that store.

Bee and Rose: I pride myself in non-public defecation.

Lola: Yes. They are full of shit.

NFTG: I have no clue, really. I didn't exactly seek out the pile o' poo to judge its origins.

Tammy Howard: Good Lord is right.

FTLOP: The bathroom was awfully far away. I guess he/she just couldn't take it.

Mrs Soup: Glad it was me and not you. =)

Cape Cod Gal: I generally do not like the CTS, though I have gotten some neat stuff there before.

Myster G: I think you are right.

Natalie: Sorry for the mascara, and you're welcome for the laughs!

Aunt Juicebox: It is more of an east-coast thing, but really? Think of it as a cheap knock-off reseller with lots of seasonal stuff. You'd have to check out their website (I linked to it in the post) to really see.

Aunt Becky: I appreciate your dedication to the craft. Or crap. Whichever.

Sandy: I maybe would have been curious, if it wasn't for the "roundhouse-kick-in-the-face" odor.

Mwa: Well, it's not just Christmas stuff. The name is misleading.

Inna: It rendered me speechless, too. Mostly because I couldn't breathe from the smell.

Frank and Mary: To some it might not have been a big deal. But the smell really was a champion smell. It was offensive.

Jewels: Why, thank you. =)

Daddy Files said...

"So come on down for great stuff at great bargains. The Christmas Tree Shop: our prices are so low, you'll shit!"

LiLu said...

You should actually be grateful for the poo. I refuse to go to the Xmas Tree Shop with my mom and gramma anymore, because they have never spent less than 4.5 hours there.

LiLu said...

P.S. In fact, I bet some poor schmo just like you DID the poop just to get his female mate the hell out of there.

Moonspun said...

The Christmas Tree Shop is one of those places where you don't know that you NEED all that stuff until you go there. It's great for seasonal decorations, but I digress.
I just giggled at the pile of poop story...literally aloud giggling. Since you were going along saying nothing happened, blah blah and then oh, someone took a shit on the floor.
I am from Mass and I could say snarky things about Lynnfield. But I'll refrain. The shit speaks for itself, really.

MIT Mommy said...

I'm glad you aren't giving us a picture of that.

Lana said...

i'm happy at least that the pile of poo was big enough that you didn't step in it.

Samsmama said...

Wow. I set out reading this and never in a million years would have thought it would have ended with a steaming pile of shit on the floor. Well played.

Badass Geek said...

Daddy Files: That really should be their new slogan.

LiLu: I should have thought of that!

Moonspun: Ooh! You've got some snark for Lynnfield? Spill it.

MIT Mommy: You're welcome. =)

Lana: Oh, I heard it was big, I just didn't go anywhere near it. Which, coincidentally, is what she said.

Sams Mama: Thats usually how every trip to the Christmas Tree Shop goes. Except the pile of shit is more of a literal pile, and its inside of the bags that we exit the store with.

Kim said...

This place sounds like some sort to weird Twilight Zone nonsense!

Aunt Juicebox said...

OM effing G you just ruined my husbands life! There's one 45 minutes away from me. Oh I know what I'm doing next weekend! Hallelujah Badass! Doin a jig right here, la la la!

alntv said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's just NASTY! And one hell of a story! Nice. I can't believe I haven't been here before. Consider me a new fan! LOL

Laura said...

Holy Shit!

Nej said...

No friggin' way!!!! Right there, in the middle of the store?

What is it with people? Who would do that??

Ick....that's the word I keep thinking of over and over. Ick, Ick, Ick


lovelila said...

EWWWWW!!! That my city...a few months ago, but I can't remember where---WAIT! It was in the mall! I went to the mall with friends and there was a pile of crap at the entrance and then a brown trail leading to the nearest bathroom. Someone had a little too much paella or some other diarrhea-inducing food, I guess. So gross!

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