Thursday, July 30, 2009

In Which I Point And Laugh

Over the past 17 months, thanks to the magic that is Google Analytics, I have encountered some pretty weird and wacky search terms that brought visitors to my humble blog. I've had a few good laughs at their expense, but after a while, I thought I had seen them all.

When I checked my Google Analytics earlier today, though, I was shocked. It seemed as if all the real weirdos were finally crawling out of the woodwork and headed straight to Google to fill their (albeit small) brains with knowledge. Unfortunately for them, though, Google sent them here.

Here's just a sampling:
"ex was much bigger" - Kinda makes you regret dumping him, doesn't it? Apparently, the motion of the ocean doesn't matter if you're trying to get to England in a rowboat.

"toenails growing, werewolf" - Hate to break it to you, but that doesn't make you a werewolf. Unless you find yourself suddenly sprouting lots of hair and bigger teeth when the full moon comes around, I think you'll just have to get used to the idea of being a regular old human.

"badass pillow case sets" - I weep for the person who searched for this. I weep.

"badass things to learn" - I'm pretty sure that turning to an Internet search engine to help you become more badass automatically disqualifies you from ever achieving that status. Being badass often isn't something you can learn how to be. You either are, or you aren't. Keep trying, though.

"I am certain that I love you" - I'm flattered; truly I am. I'm married, though, and I don't think that The Boss would be welcome to adding a third party to our relationship. I appreciate the courage it took to say that, though. You've got guts.

"I think I might be pregnant with the cab drivers baby" - Again? Seriously? How does that even happen? Considering the types of people that I have seen driving cabs, you either are just really easy, didn't have money to pay for your fare, or had your beer goggles on. This brings a whole new meaning to the term "cab ride".

"should I try something new in high school or the same thing" - I'd stick with the same thing. High school isn't the time for personal growth and for trying new things. That whole "spread your wings" speech? Pure crap. It's much better to wait until you are older, when you have less time and freedom to try new things, but wish desperately that you could. Makes you really appreciate what could have been.

"that feeling when you realize something" - Did you feel that? That's called Intelligence. A fleeting emotion, yes, but it's nice while it lasts.

"we are both so inebriated" - I highly doubt that an actual drunk person searched for this. For starters, its not the easiest word to spell. Your ability to speak clearly, much less spell, is considerably reduced when intoxicated. Secondly, no actual drunk person would use that word while presently being drunk, unless you are Sheldon from that show, Big Bang Theory.

"what 'vomit in my mouth' means" - I always thought this phrase was pretty straightforward, but apparently some people need an explanation. I guess I just assumed that people would know that vomiting (generally an unpleasant event) and retaining it in one's mouth (hard to do if there is a large quantity of said vomit, but also unpleasant) would indicate general disgust. But that's just me.
Those are definitely some of the strangest search hits I've had since I started this blog. Weirdness is relative, though. Think you can top it? Tell me your strangest one.


Kat said...

I have used the word inebriated when I was drunk, but I think it was just to prove a point.

BeautifulWreck said...

These are great. I have some interesting search terms that lead to my blog.

Why Mom Drinks Rum said...

I have GOT to figure out what searches land people at mine - teach me Yoda.

JennyMac said...

ALL of these made me laugh but my favorite was "ex was much bigger"...I wonder how many times THAT has been said. (By skanks..never by your classy bloggy friends.)

Cape Cod Gal said...

I still think that mine are the best. Of course, I'm a big pervert and I get perverted searches! ;)

Mrs Soup said...

Brilliant! I love these kinds of posts.

The favorite one I got on my my blog was "giraffes are aliens". Mostly because it is true!

Jaime | Fast Times said...

I haven't checked my GA in a few weeks, but I never get anything hilarious or nonsensical linking back to my blog.

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahaha! Awesome stuff, of my favorite that somebody searched for when led to my blog was:
"watch me now watch me now i'm peter pan i can do anything"


Notes From the Grove said...

Haha! Oh my gosh, those are SO FUNNY! Glad you shared them!

Aunt Becky said...

"proof that aunt becky has feelings"


Lana said...

yours are way weirder than mine are. the worst i ever got was 'i think i'm a sadist' and that's not really all that weird, just kind of gross.

mysterg said...

Too be fair, I do learn some Badass things here.

Samsmama said...

The pregnant by the cab driver was mine, sorry about that. And, yes, I was highly "inebriated." But it's all good, false alarm.

Employee No. 3699 said...

"I am certain that I love you"

Hey, that was me and I meant to get to your blog!

Inna said...

Okay, so maybe they didn't actually know how to spell inebiated, inibriated, inebriated... GAAHH!
google just kindly corrected them and then sent them your way!

And, the weirdest search I've gotten was "hot fucking guy"

Aunt Juicebox said...

Wait'll you see the post I've been writing about my google analytics. You'll be shocked and disgusted. You're so lucky you have a pg-13 blog. =P

Jewels said...

Yeah trying something new in high school really just opens you up to more teen angst and anguish-- if you have to ask, you probably shouldn't....

Also, I tried and failed to install google analytics [hangs head in shame].

Kat said...

You have an award on my blog!

Badass Geek said...

Kat: Kudos to you, then.

Beautiful Wreck: Yeah? I bet.

Why Mom Drinks Rum: Teach you I will, but e-mail me you must.

JennyMac: Right, sure, of course.

Cape Cod Gal: If your search hits weren't bizarre, I'd be worried.

Mrs Soup: Giraffes are pretty weird looking.

Jaime: Give it time. It'll happen.

Organic Meatbag: Peter Pan can do a lot of things, though.

NFTG: My pleasure.

Aunt Becky: There's proof? I demand to see it.

Lana: Yeah, that is a little bit of oversharing on their part.

Myster G: Well, good.

Sams Mama: *Phew!*

Employee No 3699: Aww, I'm blushing.

Inna: Sometimes I think Google just picks random sites out of a hat and selects them as results for odd searches.

Aunt Becky: PG-13? Yeah, you're probably right.

Jewels: Installing GA can be a little tricky.

Sandy said...

So if I Google 'how to install Google Analytics' will it bring me to you? Probably not. Those are seriously funny....your answers I mean. It's always nice to get some love. I gotta try that.

Tammy Howard said...

Very funny. I don't even know how to access that. And I'm not even inebriated. Presently.

Jen W said...

Cab driver's baby??? Oh my. Hilarious.

Lola said...

I was going to do one of these today. Damn you!!! Now, I've got nothing to post.

I've got a bunch of new ones, but I'll give you: "My husband says I should let the dog mount me."

I NEVER said that on my blog, not that my husband hasn't said that to me ;)

Laura said...

wow... where do people come up with these things?

lovelila said...

LMAO! The cab drivers baby one... wtf?! I never get weird search terms like that, just a bunch of Disney stuff!

Nej said...

I LOVE Big Bang Theory....I'm an addict!!!! :-)

I used to look at the searches bringing people to my site....but the last time I looked, I found some disturbing stuff. Felt it better to just leave it alone. :-)

Gabriel said...

Haha, excellent. I edit the Nursing Times website, and a few dozen people found us by searching for 'boys having sex with girls' and, more worryingly, 'enemas for fun'. The mind boggles.

Badass Geek said...

Sandy: It just may, you never know.

Tammy Howard: How about now?

Jen W: I know.

Lola: Sorry I stole your thunder. =)

Laura: I have NO idea.

Love Lila: Consider yourself blessed, then.

Nej: I enjoy the show, too, but I don't know how much longer it will be funny.

Gabriel: Enemas are not designed for pleasure. Sickos.

Aunt Juicebox said...

LMAO @ Lola

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