Thursday, August 27, 2009

In Which I Feel Young Again

Staying at my parents house this week has made me feel like I am reliving my teenage years. Before you think that things are going to get all nostalgic up in here, let me assure you that reliving my teenage years is something I hoped never to do. Let's just say that if I ever got a chance to be 17 again (like in that lame movie with the annoying guy from Friends and that annoying kid with the exhibitionist girlfriend, both of whom would be nothing if it wasn't for Disney), I would save the varsity football team some trouble and shove myself into a locker all on my own.

The things that I am getting a chance to re-experience here are not the things of fond memories with rosy vignettes. There have been no games of catch in the backyard, no freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, no laughter around the dinner table at a funny joke. No, these things are the stuff that repressed memories are made of, the worst of which are best saved for tacky therapist couches.

Take last night, for example. I made one last trip downstairs to the bathroom before bed, and as I passed through the living room I witnessed my dad sitting on the couch in his boxers and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, trimming his toenails while watching the 11pm news. He had one leg crossed over the other, with a pile of jagged nail clippings balanced carefully on his knee. With each squeeze of the trimmer, a loud click echoed off of the walls. He would pick up the sliver of toenail, inspect it carefully up close, and then put it with the rest of the clippings on his knee.

If only The Boss had been there, she would have had an illuminating glimpse of what she can expect me to look like 20 years into the future, and be able to plan for our divorce accordingly.

I used the bathroom and retreated back upstairs, and read for a while until I heard the TV shut off downstairs. I shut off the lamp on my nightstand and stared off into the dark. As if seeing way too much of my fathers pasty-white thighs wasn't traumatizing enough for one night, I was just about to drift off when I heard something. I sat up on one elbow and focused my ears on the sound... and almost immediately wished I hadn't.

I wished that I had ignored the sound. I wished I was deaf. I wished that a hurricane would form right over the house and the howling wind would drown it out. I wished that Fran Drescher would suddenly appear and laugh loudly in my face... Anything but what I feared the noise truly was.

I told myself that the noises I heard coming from my parents bedroom directly below me were not what I thought it was.

My parents just snore differently than most people, that's all, I assured myself.

Maybe they are just trying to pass some gas.

The noise was probably from their mattress, from them positioning - NO! Don't say the word position! - getting comfortable before going to sleep.

Surely it will be over soon. They're just fluffing their pillows or something.

Or something.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending upon your perspective), life as a teenager had prepared me for such a situation, as my bedroom in the house I grew up in was also right above my parents. There were many nights where I fell asleep with my pillow over my head or with my clock radio on, trying my hardest not to hear my parents get it on.

At least I know that even with an empty nest, my parents aren't trapped in a love-less marriage. Although, I would have been okay with not having heard the proof of that fact first-hand.

51 Comments:

The Peach Tart said...

I love that. Perhaps this will be encouraging to The Boss.

Anonymous said...

Nothing worse than hearing your parents getting down and dirty. Actually there is, hearing your Mother getting down and dirty while your Dad is away on business.... It is good to see that your parents love each other though. Although they could do it a bit more quietly.

Maureen said...

OMG... I would die inside. At least wait until you're gone! Gak.

JennyMac said...

HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa...and I only laugh because it is not my own parents. Whom I heard one time in the middle of the night. While it is great they are still in love enough to do that dance, I need NEVER hear the soundtrack.

I will send some vodka so you can rinse your ears. And your cerebellum.

Tammy Howard said...

Whoa...

My child informed us recently - over dinner - when she had a friend over - that our bed squeaks. A lot.

We appreciated knowing that...

minivan soapbox said...

I AM really sorry for you...But I gotta say, I am glad that your parents are still, um, active? Just too bad you have to spend your 401K to get the sounds out of your head. I called my folks one night because we wanted to go over and swim in their pool...the response was "No, we want to go skinny dippin' tonight"...Um...yea. Ok. We'll stay away. Far away.

Caron said...

Icky. Scrub, scrub.

Inna said...

Oh man! I guess they don't realize how thin the walls are... :)

Organic Meatbag said...

One thing is for sure...you are never too old to be traumatized by hearing/seeing your parents getting it on...

Kat said...

I can't help myself! Bow Chicka WOW WOW!

LucyCooper said...

horrifying. my mom tries to tell me romantical/personal stuff sometimes. I guess because now we're both married ladies? Like you, glad to know gettin' it on is still on the agenda for my mid-life, but still. No details required.

Kristina said...

That.is.awful.

Nel said...

Oh. My. Wowsers.

I would have died! Or made me presence really well know by jumping up and down on the floor.

My husband and I recently had to stay at my parents house because we were moving. The second we got there, we immediately regretted it. My mother and I instantly reverted back to the days of being 16 years old. It was terrible. But you experience, way worse.

Kim said...

I am so sorry you had to hear that.
Mine used to go at it in the trailer while we were camping. I think the first time it happened I reached for my headphones faster than I ever have in my life.

I have a friend who's parents are entirely open about their sex life. As in his dad will tell them how often. I keep telling him that it's weird but he doesn't seem to get it.

golublog said...

I always feels strange when I stay over my parents house. Like I'm trapped in some sort of limbo.

Notes From the Grove said...

Hahahaha! Oh my god, that is the worst. When I was 12, I saw my dad with his hand in my mom's underwear one night as they were lying on the couch. I am STILL scarred.

Nej said...

I have never stayed at my parents house, now that I've moved out. And this is one of the reasons.

Luckily, my bedroom was always on the opposite end of the house from theirs while growing up.

Mrs Soup said...

Thankfully, my parent's always turned on the TV when they got it on. So I never had to hear anything.

And seriously, it's a great sign that they are still loving on each other!

Mwa said...

Awkward.

My mother told me the other day she wasn't going to tell me about her weekend in Milan with my dad, because it would be "too much information". Which was too much information. But at least I didn't have to listen to them actually getting it on.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Well, even if The Boss had gotten a glimpse of what you might look like in 20 years, she'd at least know she'd still be gettin' some too!

The Good Cook said...

Oh, I am so glad my parents only did that 6 times. Once for each child. ;-)

TechnoBabe said...

That is a great post, and gives us all hope about our senior years, oh, wait, my senior years are here and I can so relate to your parents. Good for them. And good for you for giving them space and for seeing them just for what they are and for loving them.

mysterg said...

If that happened to me - Scarred for life!

My parents have never had sex. I was brought by a stork. And before someone has that birds and the bees talk with me, "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

Moonspun said...

Yikes! Luckily (sort of) for me my childhood bedroom is now my moms sewing room.

Brutalism said...

(Fingers in ears) LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

mumma boo said...

Wait did you say something else? I'm still trying to erase the toenail clipping image from my mind.

martine frampton said...

You bunch of wimps. Try thinking of it the other way round ... it really stifles my sex life knowing my teenage kids are in the next room ... we have to be so quiet, we can't do it at other times of day or in other rooms. But I love the fun of freaking them with the idea that I still have sex, I consider it one of the perks of parenting teens:-) And I think I've coped pretty good with them having sex lives of their own.
thanks for sharing
much love Martine

Aunt Becky said...

ERASE, ERASE, ERASE!

Frogdancer said...

It's first thing in the morning here and yours was the first blog in my feed reader. That line obout positioning was priceless. Nearly choked on my coffee...

Cape Cod Gal said...

I was horrified the first time I heard my parents. To this day, I still pretend I was delivered by a stork

Mad Woman said...

I haven't been able to decide which was worse...the toenail clipping or the parental ugly bumping. And I've read it twice now.

I declare it a draw. I feel for you!

world of sekimachihato said...

thank g*d i haven't experienced that one!!

mmm, i wonder if your parents heard you when you were a teenager!? hmm?

Laura said...

I think it's great that your parents are still affectionate with each other.... but that does suck you had to hear it... yucky!

joyiseverywhere said...

I am SOOO GLAD I never caught my parent's in the act. Which is a miracle, honestly. They are the horniest couple I know.

Seriously.

alntv said...

Yeah. That is just unfortunate. I LOVE going home. I get to eat my mom's home cooking. I get to golf with my dad. And as far as I know...they do...eh...other stuff when no one is around...

LiLu said...

Oh, my lord. I need brain floss, STAT.

Badass Geek said...

The Peach Tart: Encouraging, or traumatizing also.

Anonymous: Yes. More quietly, or wait until I'm gone.

Maureen: Seriously.

JennyMac: Right. Good for them, and all that jazz.

Tammy Howard: Good to know, right?

Minivan Soapbox: ACK! No skinny dipping!

Caron: Indeed.

Inna: No, they clearly don't know.

Organic Meatbag: Amen to that.

Kat: Ugh.

LucyCooper: No details required AT ALL.

Kristina: Yes. I agree.

Nel: I didn't want to make the next morning more awkward by letting them know I heard.

Kim: Adults really just should not talk about sex with their offspring once they reach a certain age.

Golublog: Yes! Exactly.

NFTG: AHH! AHH! ABORT!

Nej: I wouldn't have been staying here if I didn't have to. Luckily it should just be for a few more days.

Mrs Soup: A good sign, yes, but still... I didn't need to know.

Mwa: I agree. Saying there is "too much information" automatically puts the wrong images in ones mind.

Employee No 3699: This is true.

The Good Cook: Until this happened, I always told myself it only happened three times. And that was almost too much to handle.

TechnoBabe: Yes, despite how I feel about it, good for them.

Myster G: I'm right there with you.

Moonspun: That is good.

Brutalism: You and me both.

Mumma Boo: You, too?

Martine Frampton: It's all about perspective.

Aunt Becky: Too late.

Frogdancer: Sorry! Next time, I'll put a coffee disclaimer up.

Cape Cod Gal: Those storks must have been busy.

Mad Woman: A draw, indeed.

World of Sekimachiato: I was a virgin until I moved out of my parents house. As far as self-servicing goes, well, I was stealthily quiet.

Laura: It is both good (for them) and bad (for me).

JIS: Ugh. Sorry.

Alntv: That is the best time to do it.

LiLu: Save some for me.

Heather said...

Oh wow. I totally feel your pain on this!

areason2write said...

It's too bad the boss didn't get a glimpse (or a listen of) not being trapped in a loveless marriage so she could plan her happiness accordingly 8-)

Children of the 90s said...

Oh no. This is my nightmare. I suppose it's a consolation they still love each other, but I like to think this type of coupling ended at conception for my parents.

mommygeekology said...

I'm so sorry, because I'm very possibly laughing at your pain over here.

Aunt Juicebox said...

This was one of your "nearly made me pee my pants" posts. Thanks! =)

lovelila said...

Like you said, at least they aren't in a loveless marriage... but man oh man...

Night Owl Mama said...

Bawhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! thats toooo Funny OMGosh Im so reading this to my mom lol u thought I was gonna say hubby

Badass Geek said...

Heather: And painful it was.

A Reason 2 Write: Good point!

COTN: Me, too.

Mommy Geekology: It's okay. That is why I write.

Aunt Juicebox: You are most welcome. =)

Love Lila: Man, oh man, indeed.

Night Owl Mama: How did your mother enjoy this story?

Lola said...

You should have known, man, when you saw him cutting his toenails that he was in the mood for love!

Jane Lively said...

I totally thought you were going a different direction with this and was (ack!) surprised that it was your folks getting it on! I thought you were gonna reveal how frisky *you* feel upon return visits to the 'rents' house for all the leftover forbidden-ness swirling about from your youth.

daria said...

Haha, man, this is how I feel whenever I stay at my mom's house. There's no rosy teenager reality there, only black nail polish and long walks around the neighborhood - anything to get out of the house. But hey, don't poopoo therapists' couches, we loves us some repressed memories! :) And yes, as people have said previously, maybe it's kind of hopeful that a) they have a love-full marriage and that b) "it" can still go on even after (what I assume are) many years of marriage... Maybe? Sorta?

Sandy said...

Okay so maybe the week didn't improve.

~Jennifer~ said...

If the Boss had been there, she could have heard firsthand what you may sound like in 20 years. Maybe then she wouldn't rush for the divorce. Or then again. . .

Danielle-lee said...

LMAO! Omg, you poor guy!!

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