Friday, August 28, 2009

In Which I Go Way Back

Thanks to a particularly stubborn case of writers block, I'm going to recycle an old post of mine from about a year ago. You can find the original post and comments here. Enjoy!

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Throughout my life thus far, I have experienced many things that I wish I had known more about before having to experience them. Knowing more would have saved me a fair amount of embarrassment, but they say hindsight is 20/20.

THINGS I WISH I KNEW:
  • I wish I knew that I was going to have a cute female nurse do the prep work for my hernia exam, so I wouldn't be standing there, boxers around my ankles with a half-boner, when two male doctors walk in.
  • I wish I knew that my new khaki shorts clearly showed the presence of the slightest amount of sweat prior to wearing them to work and spending six hours mowing the lawn, so it wouldn't look like I crapped AND pissed myself for the rest of my shift.
  • I wish I knew that the bathroom window shade was wide open before standing naked at the sink for ten minutes shaving my face after getting out of the shower, so I wouldn't turn around to see my 87-year-old female neighbor sitting on her porch watching me.
  • I wish I knew that I had the world's largest pimple on my upper lip prior to trying to impress the girl I had a crush on at band practice when I was a freshman in high school.
  • I wish I knew that there was someone walking behind me in the parking lot of the grocery store before I released the longest, loudest, and possibly smelliest fart of my life.
Please tell me I'm not the only one.

Has anyone else wished they had known something that could have saved them embarrassment and years of anguish?

Have a good weekend, folks.

28 Comments:

BeautifulWreck said...

I think you and my husband would be best friends if you knew each other.

mysterg said...

Great post!

I wish I knew that the girl I was meeting for a date was actually a few tables down from the girl that looked identical to her from behind before I crept up on said unsuspecting girl and kissed her, traumatising her, her boyfriend who was at the bar and my date.

FrankandMary said...

I wish I could see a video of each I wish you've listed. ~Mary

Rebecca Knight said...

The naked bathroom incident made me laugh out loud. That is made of pure awesome/pure horror. Well played.

Have a good weekend! :)

Mwa said...

I wish I knew my ass cheeks were hanging out of those cut-off denim shorts I wore InterRailing a whole month when I was 17. I found out when I saw the pictures.

Jaime | Fast Times said...

I got nothing here. But it's great reading your list. :]

Moonspun said...

Ah nothing like classic Badass to make me smile on a Friday night...

minivan soapbox said...

Oh....Because I truly feel blogging has to be honest...It's the farting thing. I wish I had known that the four beers I drank on that date MANY years ago were going to come back and haunt me with a NOT so dainty fart. He DID NOT call again. Asshole - Girls that fart are cool...Right?

Debbie said...

such a great post!!I wish I had something to add!:) instead I am completely enjoying laughing at yours!!

Maureen said...

OMG... I wish the person you were walking in front of outside the grocery store had a blog; I would definitely want to read their side of that story!!!! Ahahahahaha!

lovelila said...

Okay, I sat here for about ten minutes trying to figure out an "I wish..." thing and got nothing. I rarely get embarrassed! Ugh! This would be one of the few times when it's actually a BAD thing, haha!

I have to wear khakis at my job...and now I'll be paranoid... even though I'll be standing at a cash register and probably won't have anything to worry about...hrm...

Heather said...

I wish I knew that elementary schools are like being trapped in a Family Circle cartoon.

Night Owl Mama said...

YOu need to give out warnings before you Write stuff that will make me laugh so darn hard that I start crying and wake up the kids when I feel off the chair. LOL HOLY WOW that was Hysterical thanks for the visit I so needed your post@!! YOu Rock

LucyCooper said...

What a beautiful start to my morning. I love it. Most of all i love when people admit to their moments of sheer humiliation.
The first one that comes to my head is, "I wish I always remembered to zip my fly. Or at least, when I forget, I wish I were not wearing my sheerest "nude" panties."

The Good Cook said...

Great Post! I've been sitting here trying to think of something I Wish I Knew and can't come up with a thing... oh wait,

I wish I knew (in my twenties) that I would eventually meet and marry a prince - it would have saved me all that angst with so many frogs.

Lola said...

What did I say the first time you posted this?

Melissa said...

Ok, girls do fart. The old myth that women do not fart so they must bitch or else they will explode is in fact a myth.

We can hold it however. Farting in an elevator is however a mistake. Making the assumption that it will not stop on the next floor and the fruits of your bowels is also a mistake. Assuming that saying WTF is that smell when the person entering it will make them think that they do not know it was you is a mistake.

(btw, I am in denial of being lactose intolorant because I like milk and cheese)

Melissa said...

Oh, I forgot to add, that I wish I knew that lol

Suzy Voices said...

Hilarious! I especially love the term half boner.

Me! said...

I wish...

I knew all along that All my girlfriends were going to say "Christ, You're Big!"

Mad Woman said...

I wish I'd known that at 18 my old boyfriend, my first love, would come back and tell me he wanted me. So that I wouldn't move away.

But then again, I wish I'd known how happy I'd be now :)

Loved this post the first time around and again this time ... thanks!

Inna said...

I wish someone ha mentioned the left over chocolate on my face from banana bread chocolate chip cookies I had for breakfast. It was not so much fun having my boss point it out since it was already 11am.

alntv said...

Yeah...we're cut from the same clothe. Which is preferably NOT khaki.

Hit 40 said...

The dirty minded 87 year old owed you dinner for the free show!! Pervert.

Badass Geek said...

Beautiful Wreck: Yeah?

Myster G: Oh, man. That would have been to know, indeed.

Frank and Mary: That would have been awesome, eh?

Rebecca Knight: Right. Awesome for the neighbor, horror for me.

Mwa: Sounds hot!

Jaime: Glad to hear it.

Moonspun: Glad I could help!

Minivan Soapbox: Girls that fart are TOTALLY cool. The Boss farts like a champ.

Debbie: Laugh away. =)

Maureen: If they survived it, it would have made for a great story.

Love Lila: I wish I had a shortage of embarrassing stories.

Heather: Yes. Very true.

Night Owl Mama: I'll work on getting a disclaimer up there.

LucyCooper: Oh, if I had a dime for each time I've forgotten to zip up my fly...

The Good Cook: Those frogs can be a pain in the ass.

Lola: You said, and I quote "I wish I had known how fat my ass looks in the new dress I bought on vacation. Never trust the saleswoman looking to make a sale!"

Melissa: Elevator farting is evil.

Suzy Voices: It is one of my favorite terms.

Me!: Instead of the alternative, yes.

Mad Woman: The gift to see the future is a double-edged sword.

Inna: Nice!

Alntv: No, khaki = bad.

Hit 40: I KNOW. I felt so used.

One Sassy Girl said...

I wish I'd known to blow my nose before sidling up to that table in the library where the cute boy I liked was sitting so he wouldn't have had to point out the booger in my nose.

Danielle-lee said...

LMAO. I can't stop giggling. You have my luck. (Or I have yours)

Brutalism said...

I wish I would read the "TO" section of my e-mail screen before pressing send. Today is one of many times I have inadvertently included someone on an e-mail that should not have been. It is really, really hard to apologize to a client for being an idiot.

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