Wednesday, September 16, 2009

In Which I Abbreviate

Life, with all of its erratic twists and turns, often puts us in situations that force us to reach into the darkest, dustiest corners of one's vocabulary, in search of the best word to properly express how we feel. We save these words for moments of stress, elation, fear, surprise, or any other time where any other word just wouldn't suffice. We use these words to drive the point home, to ensure that the message gets received loud and clear.

If your Vocabulary Vault is anything like mine, though, the particular corner that houses profanity is less dustier than most, and sees more traffic than perhaps it should. To be honest, it's more than a corner. It's more like a Profanity Department, with multiple shelving units devoted to displaying the choicest of words, all of them shiny and ready for use. There are spotlights honoring the MVPs among them, the rest elegantly wreathed in a warm glow from track lighting.

Let's just say that if I tried to employ the Swear Jar system to encourage me to use less foul language by depositing a dollar each time I swore, I'd need to empty it weekly, if only to make room for the next week's deposits.

Being so prone to drop swear words in a normal conversation makes for some pretty awkward situations, especially during those tender moments involving family members and religious services. I've bitten my tongue more times than I can count just shy of unleashing a string of unsavory cuss words in front of someones grandmother/impressionable 10-year-old/my mother. They say that necessity is the mother of invention, so I've developed a system of profanity abbreviations to help combat Potty Mouth.

Feel free to take notes. These may come in handy.
CTFD: Calm The Fuck Down. Appropriate in situations where a companion is freaking out about something inconsequential, demanding that he/she calm down immediately.

CTFO: Chill The Fuck Out. An alternative to the above abbreviation.

PFH: Pretty Fucking Hungry. A response to the question of "How hungry are you?". Could also stand for Pretty Fucking Horny. No further explanation needed.

SFW: Stupid Fucking Whore. Not to be confused with the Internet abbreviation "Safe For Work". Useful in situations where someone cuts you off in traffic or slams into the back of your heels with a shopping cart.

TFB: Too Fucking Bad, or That Fucking Blows, depending upon context. Appropriate when expressing sentiments of "Oh, well," or "That sucks."
While this is a pretty short list, I find that these are the most commonly used abbreviations in my repertoire. Feel free to use them as you see fit, and be sure to report back with the results. Share these with friends, family, co-workers, youth pastors, anyone you know that has a dirty mouth in need of a PR make-over.

Can anyone else come up with a swear-word abbreviation that I may have missed?


Little Ms Blogger said...

I have no idea why, but I really try to use 'fuck' sparingly. I find MANY other words so when I do use it, it doesn't go unnoticed.

I have a gf that uses it all the time and personally it desensitizes me to the conversation. If she's really mad, I wouldn't know.

When I told my ex to Shut the Fuck Up when he came to make my life a living hell during our separation. He stopped in tracks and said you never use that word, you must be mad. I told him he was right.

Personally, I sometimes use 'suck my dick' because, well, I don't have one and it gets people's attention. :-)

Caron said...

Hey, I have used that one in the past as well and I also don't actually have one to suck. I have begun using "fuck" this past year although for years prior I rarely used it. When you don't use it much, it gets more attention.

I have a friend in the military and he tells me stories that inevitably have someone addressing a senior person or an officer with, "Fuck, sir." That makes this Army Brat laugh out loud.

FrankandMary said...

Not that I always engage in it, but I admire the economy of language. This is like that.

Sorta. ~Mary

Organic Meatbag said...

This is not a bad idea at all, my friend...however, knowing me, I will screw up the acronym completely and then start calling myself a fucking idiot...out loud, of course...

Aunt Juicebox said...

Nah, I just prefer to say the bad words. Makes me feel better. The only abbreviation I use is when my sister and I talk about our illness CRS - can't remember shit. The more drawn out and ornate a profanity it, the more I enjoy it.

minivan soapbox said...

My husband has often commented how impressed he is with how I can keep myself in check...Because the second our kid is asleep I turn into a drunk sailor. Fuck is for sure my favorite word. Well that and Dude. Have NO idea why.

The Good Cook said...

It is my greatest shame that I use profanity. I am working on becoming much more eloquent than that.

However, a good F-off, well placed, really does speak volumes!


Moonspun said...

JFC: Jesus Fucking Christ. Why not take the Lord's name in vain AND drop an F-bomb?
I am always impressed how Fuck can be a noun, verb, and adjective!

Miss Mariposa said...

I use FTP= Fuck that Puta or for my english only speakers FTB= Fuck that Bitch.

Alan said...

TIFB = This is fucking bullshit.

Megan said...

hahaha, too funny.

I would end up screwing them all up and looking like a jackass, so i will just stick to saying those lovely words. I am however having to cut back and i now have a little recorder following me around and repeating. *sigh* :-)

Coach J said...

Dude, I love these. I would even venture to use these at school, but my students are pretty sharp and I'd be fired in no time.

Jaime said...

I use TFB all the time.

Natalie said...

WTF - What the fuck

It can pretty much be used in every and all circumstances.

Ms. Case said...

Reading this post made me think back to when I learned what SOL stood for. I was hanging out with some friends and for some reason or another I said SOL, Sorta Outa Luck. They all looked at me and laughed. What the hell is Sorta Outa Luck? Tay, SOL stands for Shit Outa Luck! HAHA I laughed and laughed.

Lola said...

Nice try! There's no way you're going to stick to that system, because it's never going to be as satisfying as actually calling someone a "stupid fucking whore."

As for me, I'm a major potty-mouthed bitch, but I'm good at turning it off when I'm around kids or at work. The rest of the time, it's a free-for-all!

Doughmesticity said...

SFU - shut the fuck up. it's actually written out in block letters and colored, taped up on a shelf, above my computer screen at work. it's just a reminder for myself (and fellow coworkers) to just bite my tongue for fear of cursing out our supervisors.

The Peach Tart said...

These are good. I had to take notes.

Amy said...

This is the most useful thing I've read all day, as my child will soon be tallking and the fact that I speak like a sailor does not bode well for me.

Also? In college I had the absolute coolest criminal justice professor who had some sort of linguist degree. For an entire class, we defined the word "FUCK." All of the definitions and renditions were expressed by all us students who raised our hands and offered up our wealth of knowledge on the word/deed/adjective, etc.

It is the only class in college I have any recollection of.

Notes From the Grove said...

LOVE the list! I use WTF all the time. Oddly enough, I swear like a sailor but don't typically drop the F-bomb on my blog. I guess I'm saving it for a really special moment.

Aunt Becky said...

SFW. So Fucking What?

lovelila said...

The only person I'll openly swear in front of is my brother, and that was only recently after a fit of anger during which I called him an asshole. Yet, I curse like a sailor in my car and when I'm alone, It's not even like I try to do it, I just automatically censor myself!

As for anything you left out, hmm.... I really don't have any suggestions. You covered all the ones I'd use, lol

x said...

I like this game. I often use Piece of Shit Mother Fucker, which would be POSMF. Another fave is Cocksucker, which could be CS.

Mad Woman said...

I'm trying to phase Fuck out of my language as much as possible. It's not going too fucking well though. I use BFD on Hubby all the time...Big Fucking Deal, it drives him crazy. I love it.

Daddy Files said...

I would never abbreviate a swear words. Swears and cursing in general is a wonderful, wonderful thing if done right, and to censor a "fuck" or "shit" or "fucking cocksucker douchebag" is a travesty to the language.

I like the unique combinations you don't hear too often. Such as "cockbag" or "fuck stain." But abbreviations? No sir.

Kaylen said...

My work blogger friend and I could not make a poll work on the side of our stupid wordpress work blog. It will forever be known as SFP (Stupid fucking poll). I am thinking of having SFW too, because Wordpress is not my friend.

Melissa said...

Alright, you all have a bunch of acronyms that would puzzle the shite out of my bosses.

One of my most embarrasing moments was calling my boss when he was away with his wife saying WTF! I said the whole thing out loud though. Because I was expecting a friend over to help paint. He was at a party and didnt know what I was talking about, I was slightly drunk and didnt know I was talking to my friend (phone numbers similar and I thought she had called last (she has a deep voice). I didnt realize my error until he called me into his office the following Monday dmm dmm DMMM.

Add this to we were on a conference call that same week and I IM'd him LOL when he smart mouthed someone over a relatively seriously argument and he thought I was sending him Lots Of Love!

I had some splainin to do.

4 years later he regularly uses LOL when IM'ing. His children have turned into teens.

Maggie May said...

love this post. wtfwta

Maggie May said...

what the fuck was that about

Cheryl said...

My work emails are going to be SO good from now on.

Night Owl Mama said...

Glad u don't mind if I borrow LOL Thanks Can't wait to try these on my mom LOL

Sandy said...

NFW---heard that recently for the first time in a while. There's nothing like hearing your elderly mother drop an F-bomb to give you a good chuckle though!

Badass Geek said...

Little Ms Blogger: I used to be the same way. And then college happened.

Caron: "Fuck" is just a fun word to say.

Frank and Mary: Yeah, sorta.

Organic Meatbag: It does take some practice.

Aunt Juicebox: Good point.

Minivan Soapbox: Dude is a fun word, too.

The Good Cook: It certainly does.

Moonspun: I love the phrase JFC!

Miss Mariposa: NICE.

Alan: Also a good one.

Megan: Aren't kids fun?

Coach J: Yeah, I'd advise against that.

Jaime: TFB is an awesome one.

Natalie: Yeah, I figured that WTF was pretty much commonly known.

Ms Case: The Boss uses SOL pretty often.

Lola: I know it's not going to be as satisfying, but it's better to hint at saying it than kick yourself later for not saying anything.

Doughmesticity: GOOD IDEA. I must try that.

The Peach Tart: Glad I could help!

Amy: The Wiki page for the word "fuck" is quite intensive.

NFTG: The f-bomb is good when savored.

Aunt Becky: Ah, yes. Another good one.

Love Lila: Swearing in the car is a lot of fun.

X: POSMF. Loving it.

Mad Woman: I love BFD, too.

Daddy Files: Somehow, I knew I could expect you to react this way.

Kaylen: Wordpress can be bitchy.

Melissa: I dislike the acronym "LOL". With a passion.

Maggie May: Nice one!

Cheryl: You are welcome. =)

Night Owl Mama: Go for it!

Sandy: Hearing my mother swear, which doesn't happen often, has shocked a few years off of my life.

Tammy Howard said...

My children have heard me say it all. I'm not proud, just not huge on censorship. Neither of them cuss in front of me (yet) though I have a feeling the eldest is fluent.

Nej said...

FCOFL - although, I don't know that I could use this "in the moment." Standing there, thinking of the first initial of each word.'d probably cause me to cuss more. :-)

(for crying out fucking loud)

LiLu said...

My new favorite is "FTMFW"...

For the Mother Fucking WIN.

LucyCooper said...

My husband says to our six year-old, "Boy, you better go put some clothes on before you freeze your TW off."
TW= tallywhacker

mumma boo said...

GTFOY - Get the Fuck Over Yourself - is my favorite. Works for tantrum-throwing kids or irritating competimommies alike.

Coach J said...

Hey! Thanks for the comment. I feel special...really and truly.

And yes, vomit is gross.

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