Saturday, September 12, 2009

In Which I Never Learn

I've had enough of the doom and gloom this week, what with the allergy fiasco and all, so I thought long and hard about what I could write about that would give this blog a little change of pace. Something that would get me back to my roots, a story of self deprecation or flatulence, an embarrassing anecdote from high school, another awkward moment from staying at my parents house... anything.

And then it came to me.

How could I have possibly forgotten to share this with you?

Earlier this past week, The Boss and I went to a triple-feature showing at a drive-in movie theater. They were showing "Inglorious Basterds", "District 9", and "Halloween II". (As an aside, I rate these movies as follows: 1) Disappointing, 2) Good, but left me wanting more, 3) Left before it started). It took an hour to get there, and we arrived at the theater a good 45 minutes early. We staked out the best spot in the lot, and trekked to the concession stand to get some food.

I had downed an energy drink (of potentially lethal proportions) on the drive over, so I signaled to The Boss that I had to visit the bathroom. I wasn't surprised to find out that she, too, had to make a little water, so we swung around to the back of the building to where the restrooms were. We parted ways at the supposedly "cute" and "country whimsical" signs that said "Does" for the female bathroom and "Bucks" for the men.

The interior of the men's bathroom was about what you'd expect for this no-frills establishment. It was lit by a single bare bulb hanging from the ceiling. There was one stall, the door to it hanging askew on two rusted spring hinges. In the corner stood a sink with no mirror above it, and I was surprised to see a bottle of soap. A paper towel dispenser hung on the wall nearby, but there was no urinal to be found. Instead, there was a piss-trough.

For the ladies, just in case you don't know what I'm taking about, a urinal trough is like a horizontal urinal/wall-mounted bathtub that suits two or more men standing shoulder-to-shoulder at one time. They look something like this:


(As another aside, urinal troughs are very awkward to use if there is someone else using it at the same time. With a regular urinal, one can lean into it a bit, allowing the porcelain to sort of shield oneself from view if there are no partitions between the other urinals. With a trough, though, it's open season. You're standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the guy next to you, each of you holding your respective junk, staring intently at the wall in front of you, and pissing as fast as you can.)

The one inside the bathroom in question was much less... clean. And white.

A quick survey of the bathroom showed it was empty. I looked suspiciously at the one stall, but decided against it. In the shadows cast by the single light bulb, I saw there was dried up scraps of toilet paper on the toilet seat and on the floor. In the world of public men's bathrooms, finding previously-wet-and-then-dried toilet paper on any surface in a stall is as much of a sign that something terrible happened there not too long ago as crime scene tape is to a homicide. Having no other option, I sidled up to the trough and unbuckled.

My bladder was all but screaming at me at this point, so I was perhaps a little rushed. All 32 ounces of that energy drink wanted out more than thirty minutes ago, so I hastily unzipped and took aim. Once I was sure I wasn't going to piss on the open flaps of my shorts or my t-shirt, I widened my stance and released my bladder.

I was only allowed to experience the unique relief that is emptying a full bladder for but one second before I realized that my warm, guarana-laden urine was spraying back at me, heavily misting my clothing. In my haste to unzip, it appeared that I had forgotten to flip down the pull tab on the zipper of my fly. It acted much like a thumb placed over the open end of a garden hose, turning what should have been a simple stream of urine into a piss fountain.

I tried to stop pissing on myself, but as anyone knows, once you break the seal on a full bladder, getting it to stop mid-stream is like asking Carrot Top to not look so fucking scary: It's just not going to happen without a lot of fucking work.

By harnessing the power of the Force, I willed my bladder to stop pushing just long enough to flick the zipper pull out of the way. I released my bladder again and finished peeing, and as I shook off and zipped up, I began thinking about I would explain the dark, wet stain around my crotch. I washed my hands and emerged from the bathroom and faced The Boss.

"Damn sink faucets!" I said as I exited the bathroom. I shook excess water from my hands for dramatic effect. "Stupid thing came on a full blast."

The Boss laughed. "It looks like you pissed yourself!"

If only you knew.

30 Comments:

Inna said...

bwahahaha! I always wondered what a trough looked like. I wonder if they will eventually be installed in women's bathrooms with the invention of the women funnels...

The Good Cook said...

Gosh. And we women think we have it bad with some of the toilets that don't have seats - in which you have to squat, thighs screaming, purse balancing on our laps, hands spread eagle against stall walls supporting us - holding a piece of 1 ply in our teeth with one foot holding the door closed. Then, if you move just a bit to the right or left, the automatic flushing system goes off thereby spraying your butt and back with a cold (not too hygenic) mist of toilet water.

Moonspun said...

I am giggling over here! I think the Boss has your number, she's been married to you long enough, graceful! :-)
And thanks for the pic, because honestly I had NO Idea what the hell a urinal trough was....

Heather said...

Those look awful. Sorry about that.

FrankandMary said...

I've often called Chinese buffets feed troughs because they gross me out in a trough way, BUT I HAD NO IDEA. I'm trying hard to render it more acceptable in my mind. No luck so far.
~Mary

mysterg said...

It happens to the best of us!

Megan said...

laughing my ass off at that. I think my husband may have done that before.

and laughing my ass off at the Good Cooks comment. AMEN! Only better than that is having a toddler in the stall with you and you trying to keep them from touching anything!

Suzy Voices said...

I cannot imagine having to do that. Gag! I'd probably pee on myself too. ;-)

Aunt Becky said...

Oh. My. God. I have lived 29 years on the planet and have never, ever seen a trough before. Holy balls.

for the love of pictures said...

Urinal trough? That just does not look right at all. At all.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that wasn't completely wowed by "Inglorious Basterds". My boyfriend and I both didn't like it, and people look at us like we're crazy when we say that.

rebecca said...

Well, that was a first. I've never seen an urinal trough. EEK! No, thank you, there's a reason why women weren't born with male equipment - we like our privacy too much. I think I'd rather do it in the woods and I hate anything that smells too much of nature.

On another note, the Boss seems like a very smart woman. I guess that 's why she's the boss!

Mwa said...

I'm sure they're just cheap and they bought school sinks to pass them off as pee receptacles. They look just like the sinks in my son's school.

CK Lunchbox said...

good thing you weren't inebriated--that complicates things.

Aunt Juicebox said...

You have the worst luck with all things regarding your nether regions.

Melissa said...

Ok, I will try this twice...

Being a teen of the 80's I had an adventure once that is as gross.

You see, overalls were in style for a while in the 80's. So were campouts (beer fests for the unknowing parents).

After about 6 beers it was about time to go. I am not adverse to peeing in the woods. We were even prepared with toilet paper and all. But after pissing over the top of my overalls (soaked) I was less than stoked. These campouts generally did not require a change of clothing.

alntv said...

I HATE urinals!!! Check it out...

http://alntv.wordpress.com/2009/03/09/worstideaever/

Amy said...

Hilarious!! The bar my husband worked at in college had a "trough" for the boys. It was barbaric!
Can't believe you didn't like the basterds! Do you usually like Terrentino?

Mad Woman said...

Oh my gawd...I guarantee it was a woman who invented those urinal troughs...it's payback for a multitude of things we think you all have inflicted on us. Who knew that it would be the zipper pull that would get you though?

I'm kinda glad I'm not a man right now, though I'd rather be able to whip it out instead of having to completely disrobe.

Caron said...

Hilarious! What a great story.

LiLu said...

Oh my lord... I might have to link this for TMI Thursday next week, just because it is THAT freaking funny!!!

Maureen said...

Mooo.... every time I hear about a "trough" I think of a barn. Very hilarious though!

Badass Geek said...

Inna: I shudder at the thought of a women funnel.

The Good Cook: That sounds pretty bad to me.

Moonspun: Urinal troughs are few and far between these days.

Heather: Uh, yeah.

Frank and Mary: Good luck with that.

Myster G: It sure does.

Megan: Like Myster G said, it does happen to the best of us.

Suzy Voices: Probably.

Aunt Becky: Seriously? How is it there, under that rock?

FTLOP: "IB" was kind of a major let down.

Rebecca: That is exactly right.

Mwa: There were no faucets on the trough.

CK Lunchbox: Indeed it does.

Aunt Juicebox: Don't I? It's a curse.

Melissa: That sounds pretty rough.

Alntv: Yikes.

Amy: I am a big fan of Tarantino, yes, but "Inglorious Basterds" just didn't live up to the hype. I didn't not like it, I just thought it'd be better.

Mad Woman: It's a good idea in theory, just not in practice.

Caron: Glad you liked it!

LiLu: Please do! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Maureen: I guess the name came from the slogan that "men are pigs".

doobylove said...

"I tried to stop pissing on myself." Best. line. ever.

lovelila said...

Whoa... Urinal troughs look....scary. Nice save, though, haha!

Organic Meatbag said...

Hehehehe, I can't stand those damn troughs either, man... it's terrible when you have to piss and you get stage fright...

Nej said...

I never would have thought a zipper pull could be that....hazardous. :-)

Mrs Soup said...

Ahahahahahahaa!!

I am so glad that I am a woman. I'll give up standing up to pee (except for with my Go-Girl) for being able to hide myself in a (usually) clean stall!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

ugh...about the urinal trough!
About the stain...how did you explain it all the people in the movie hall staring at the front of your pants?!?!

Tony said...

most guys don't stare at the front of other guys pants so I'm sure most people didn't even notice it. You didn't hold your popcorn in your lap though - did you?

Sildenafil said...

sometimes we don't learn anything very well because we don't pay attention to this, you pay close attention if you want to learn, and dont lose attention easily.

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