Monday, September 28, 2009

In Which I Should Just Keep My Mouth Closed

Earlier this year, my parents started a small business, a bakery, out of their home. They specialize in pies and sweet bread. My mother is the talent behind the recipes and the actual baking, while my dad does all the bookkeeping and the behind-the-scenes type work. They've done pretty well in their first couple of months, selling their products primarily at the local farmers market.

(As an aside, and I say this because it is the truth and not out of obligation because she is my mother, her pies are really, really good. Everyone that has told me they don't like apple pie, LOVES my mother's apple pie once they try it. The Boss doesn't like blueberries in anything, but she is in love with my mother's blueberry pie.)

Last Friday was the last farmers market of the season, and on Thursday I helped my mother with some of the prep work for the pies. She was making four different types of pies, (blueberry, apple, raspberry, and triple berry [strawberry, blueberry, raspberry]), and I was in charge of measuring out the dry ingredients for each type of pie.

While I was doing so, we talked about the relative success of the business so far, and how they planned on keeping the business going through the fall and winter, now that the farmers market was going to be over. We brainstormed for a little while, and my mother expressed a little bit of doubt in her products.

"Mom!" I chastised. "How many weeks have you sold out of your pies? How many people rave to you about how good they are? How can you doubt that your pies are any good?"

"I know," she said, reluctant to admit it. "I guess I just never thought I'd see this much success."

"This just goes to prove what everyone in the family has been telling you for years."

"Yeah? You really think so?"

"I really do," I said.

"Thanks, Mike," she said, sounding relieved.

I should have stopped there. I really should have. But, I wanted to further compliment her to assure that she knew I hadn't said anything out of obligation. I should have listened to my gut when it told me to Stop Right There, but no.

Me and my big, fat mouth.

Without thinking, I blurted out:

"You are a master baker."

Oh, God, I thought to myself. OH GOD. Did I just say what I think I said? Master baker?

I turned to face the mixing bowls on the counter and began stirring furiously, feeling my face turn hot and red with embarrassment. I really hope she doesn't pick up on the fact that "master baker" sounds an awful lot like "masturbator."

My mother chucked. "Thanks, Mike. I appreciate it."

"No problem," I said.

Heavy, awkward silence ensued.

"So, how about those Red Sox?"


Manju said...

master baker >_< LMAO!

Aunt Juicebox said...

That is so awesome for your mom! She should advertise. Maybe you all have a local ad magazine that goes out (we do) and next summer she should print some business cards to give out so that people who buy her pies at the market know where to find her after the season is over, so they can get holiday pies.

Glad you're home and haven't died.

Moonspun said...

Oh my god! This post is so funny for me to read this morning...because on the radio when I was getting dressed today the owner of a bookstore was talking about an upcoming book signing. And the title of the book was something like "Confessions of a closet Master Baker" and I was like WHAT DID THEY JUST SAY? Did they say masturbator on my local radio station? was master baker! Funny!
You should tell your mom if she can figure out how to ship them you could do an online gig for her!

Jenn(ifer) said...

I only saw the facebook comment "so, how about those Red Sox" and could only imagine what this was about.
NOW I am seriously LMAO.
Only you my friend, only you.

minivan soapbox said...

My sister gave me one of those back massage things for Christmas one year....Kind of a joke/Kind of a serious gift b/c of back problems. My 85 year old grandfather said in front of the whole family..."Now you don't need a boyfriend anymore". We THINK he meant b/c of back rubs....But we'll never know.

Sandy said...

Sometimes it's not easy be you, eh? Good luck to your folks. My husband loves pie, wish I was closer, I'd buy one.

Notes From the Grove said...

That reminds me of the time a co-worker and I were passing each other in the office. It was one of those silly "space filler" conversations. It went like this:

Me: Hey, how are ya?

Him: Oh, I've been back in the hole all day.

Me: I hear ya. I've been up in MY hole all day.

Oh. holy. shit.

Why couldn't I have just said, "I hear ya," and left it at that?

dsmcaron said...

Thanksgiving is on the way - big time pie time.

I'm gonna leave the other stuff alone and keep my mouth shut. ;)

Mwa said...

Very funny!

My dad was opening a bottle of champagne yesterday when the cork flew off faster than expected. He said "It came too fast." Also very funny. (Even funnier in the original Dutch, as corks are masculine, so he actually said "He came too fast.")

Natalie said...

I won't lie...I didn't get what was wrong with what you said until you typed it out.

Also I'm feeling a bake off. My apple pie could totally kick your mom's apple pie!

for the love of pictures said...

Haha :) That's hilarious. At least the conversation stopped there before it got any more awkward!

One day a few of my co-workers were talking about heading over to Build A Bear and making some office mascots that they would call the 'office babies'. A male co-worker happened by and when he asked "What's up?" one of the ladies blurted out (without thinking) "Hey, wanna make some babies with us?" A lengthy silence followed, but thankfully no HR issues.

Amy said...

EESH! I'm squirmy just thinking of that moment with the two of you!!

Lana said...

it seems a lot less uncomfortable for you mom. i hope that's an indication that when you're the parent it'll be your turn to chuckle at an awkward moment :)

Aunt Becky said...

That's what I sort of love about my family. They don't feel weird about shit like that. In fact, they probably would have said something ABOUT it.

Mrs Soup said...

Ha, that's fabulous. And like Aunt Becky's family, my family would have busted up laughing and proceeded to make similar comments.

Chris Mancini said...

Well, at least you steered clear of any cherry pie or Winger references. Your Mom should be grateful.

Little Ms Blogger said...

That is very funny!

Congrats to your mom for following her passion. I love blueberry pie, but HATE to bake...

Dang, now I want one.

mysterg said...

I really want some blueberry pie now damnit!

But not in an American Pie sense, however good a master baker your mother might be.

Rebecca Knight said...


We used to have these local bread commercials that talked about "master bakers like Jack," their spokesbaker. They shocked and delighted me for years as a child :).

Lola said...

I think that's what they should name the business! I know I'd try one of those pies with a name like that ;)

Laura said...

Mmmmmm pies... does she ship them? I do love me a good pie...

Maureen said...


Now I want pie. Dammit.

Coach J said...

That's funny, not just because it's funny, but also because I had a friend with a fisherman dad who once said he was a "master-baiter." I'm still not sure if she realized what she said.

doobylove said...

hahaha... that's WAY better than being caught master baking. Right?

Tammy Howard said...

Hmmmm - I'm thinking: American Pie - Home of the Masterbaker.

Huh? Huh?

Badass Geek said...

Manju: I thought so, too!

Aunt Juicebox: I'm pretty sure they are looking to place an ad in the local weekly newspaper.

Moonspun: What are the odds? And I do think they are trying to figure out how to ship the pies.

Jenn(ifer): Only me, indeed.

Minivan Soapbox: Oh, God. Too funny.

Sandy: If you ever come up near Maine, I'll make sure you get one.

NFTG: That is horrifically awesome.

DSMCaron: Yes - they are getting excited for Thanksgiving.

Mwa: Oh, so many jokes are possible with that.

Natalie: It's ON.

FTLOP: Thank God HR didn't have to get involved, eh?

Amy: It was a squirmy moment.

Lana: I hope so.

Aunt Becky: My family is just... awkward like that.

Mrs Soup: If it had been anyone but my mother, I would have welcomed the jokes.

Chris Mancini: Good point.

Little Ms Blogger: Her blueberry pie is to die for.

Myster G: I don't want to think about that.

Rebecca Knight: I'm glad I'm not the only one to make an error in word choices.

Lola: I'll propose the idea to them. =)

Laura: She's trying to figure out how to ship them, but they don't ship currently.

Maureen: Pie is awesome.

Coach J: That is epic.

Dooby Love: Agreed.

Tammy Howard: It does have a nice ring to it.

Children of the 90s said...

Incredibly awkward, but well-intentioned so it passes the test. I'm convinced my parents don't know anything about anything like that so it really shouldn't be an issue. Right?

Melissa said...

DUDE - online foodselling community! Its awesome.

x said...

I'm going to refer to masturbating as master baking from now on. ... How about some pie pics next time?

C said...


Nej said... think she caught it, or did it pass her by?

Samsmama said...

Oh, now that is just too funny! If she excelled at baiting a fishing pole, then it would have been perfection!

LiLu said...


But so worth it for the blog fodder.

Now pass the apple pie.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

oh, our parents never get that stuff... we, on the other hand...hmmm!!

Post a Comment