Friday, September 18, 2009

In Which I Throw In The Towel

Date: Friday, September 18th, 2009 at 9:01 AM
Subject: What The Fuck?

Hey, Karma,

You must have heard by now about all of the crap that has been going on with me lately. Just in case you've been living under a rock, let me run it down for you. You know, the whole dog-allergy thing that turned into mysterious-allergies-to-the-unknown, causing me to be exiled from my apartment twice in the past month. I've been dealing with recurring hives, severe joint pain, and oh yeah - throat and airway constriction that makes it hard to breathe sometimes.

Nothing too serious, right? I mean, who needs to worry about such a simple thing like breathing? I know that I've got a pretty large lung capacity, so I'm all set as long as I can take in a full breath at least once every couple of minutes. If that doesn't work, well, I've got a couple of inhalers that fix me right up. After a couple of hits, I feel like I'm on speed and my hands shake like I'm a Parkinson's patient, but that's the breaks, I guess.

Oh, and speaking of medication... I'm on pretty much every antihistamine on the market. I'm pretty much a living sponsor for the makers of Benadryl, Claritin, Singulair, and Pepcid. I've spent so much money on antihistamines in the past month that I haven't been able to support my raging Mountain Dew habit. It's not just the antihistamines, either. I've been on varying doses of steroids for so long now that I've started putting an asterisk next to everything I do. I don't want a random drug test to spoil my image late in my career like so many professional athletes out there these days.

With all the mysterious allergies wreaking havoc on my body, and all of the medications I've been pumping into my system, I've been trying to take it easy and just let myself recuperate. I've started a short-term disability claim with my employer because my doctor thinks I need to keep out of work, to keep my stress level down. Until the claim kicks in, I'm going to have to burn through my vacation time to cover me for the hours that I'll be missing. It's a good thing I had almost two weeks of time saved up, otherwise I'd be more screwed than Michelle Duggar.

In the midst of all the chaos that has been on going for the past couple of weeks, I thought I finally spotted a ray of sunshine. By some cosmic shift in fate, I was able to get an appointment with a highly-sought-after allergist in my area. Normally this doctor is so busy that he books appointments 45 days ahead, but I was able to get in within a week. It seemed to me like I was finally getting a well-deserved break.

But no.

While driving to that oh-so-vital appointment yesterday, the appointment where I may have finally figured out what has been making me so sick, the appointment that could have cleared me to return to work and back to my apartment... the exhaust manifold on my truck rusted out.

So, there I was, stranded in a Walmart parking lot, 20 miles from home and 30 miles from the allergist's office. I had no choice but to call the allergist and cancel my appointment. I was understandably upset, an emotion made worse by finding out that the next available appointment with the doctor was not until October 29th.

Having enough breathing problems already without driving a truck that would be dumping pure exhaust into the cab, I had no choice but to have it towed. I called AAA and got a lift to my mechanic's garage, which was fortunately only a few miles away. I hoofed it from there to my younger (and very pregnant) sister's apartment, where I waited until The Boss got out of work to pick me up.

Now that you're up to speed on the latest developments here, I've got only one question for you:

What the fuck did I do to deserve this?

If this is your idea of some sick, twisted joke, knock it off. Having life-threatening health problems is enough for one person to handle without having something like a $500 or more car repair to worry about, especially when I'm already in the middle of a work-related financial crunch.

I'm thinking you've got me confused with someone else. I've lived a good life thus far, and short of being an asshole every now and then to blow off a little steam, I can't think of anything I've done that would merit this kind of response. I know that there's a guy with the same name as me who lives in the next town over who is kind of a bad apple. Maybe he's the guy you're looking for? It wouldn't be the first time that has happened.

This e-mail is getting lengthier than I intended, so I'll try to wrap things up. If I did something to upset the balances of karma and I deserve all of what has been coming at me, fine. Personally, I think I've had enough retribution, but I'll leave that up to you. All I'm asking is that if I do deserve this, please just spread the shit out a bit so it's not all happening at the same time. If you've made a mistake and all the crap that's been flooding my life for the past month was meant for someone else, just make it all fucking stop.

Forgive me if I've been a little bitter, but you've got to understand where I'm coming from.


P.S. I'm sorry I called you a bitch earlier. It was uncalled for.

P.P.S. I wasn't going to mention the fact that my beloved iPod died this week, but I figured I might as well throw it in there for good measure. Mess with my health, my employment, the time I can spend with The Boss, fine. But my iPod? The one thing that brings peace to my life at moments of peril? That's hitting a little too low below the belt there, Karma. If you'd like to make it up to me (my birthday is this weekend, after all), I'll take this one. The black 16 GB model, please.


Jenn(ifer) said...

I just want to give you a great big ol' hug!
Things will get better! They have to.

Amy said...

This is an unbelievable case of shitty luck you're experiencing! I really was hoping that the car trouble/missing your apt thing was just a joke yesterday! I'M DYING TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!!!

Can't imagine what you must be going through. Sorry you've had a tough time. Sending you warm, fuzzy, healthy vibes!

Hope you have a great weekend, hun!

Gloria said...

That was the saddest thing I read today. You poor thing!

Nej said...

Seriously, did you run over a litter of puppies, or poke small children in the eyes with sharp twigs? This is craziness!!! Allergies, vehicle issues, iPod. It comes in you are done. You have to be. :-(

The Good Cook said...

Okay - that's three. Truck. Allergy. IPod. According to the laws of the universe you are done. Sh*t comes in threes. It's all better now!

Moonspun said...

Um, Happy Birthday?
It's too bad you don't get extra points somehow for being creative, because this, along with your mother nature letter a few months great.
(well not what is in it, like the shit that happens to make you write know what I mean!)

Sandy said...

Ouch! Life just keeps get better for you, eh?

Samsmama said...

OMG...what a bunch of suck! Karma better have a damn good reply!

And I'm sorry for all you're going through, but that Michelle Duggar comment cracked me up!

Mrs Soup said...

Oh honey....I'm so sorry. That sucks balls.

Natalie said...

more screwed than Michelle Duggar - This right here made me choked down my diet coke so that I wouldn't spit it all over my desk.

I say scrap the best allergist and just get to one ASAP that has a medical degree. Or take it upon yourself and just start rubbing random things on your body. A cat on the left arm, dust on the right, the control can be your left leg, etc..

Nyx said...

Michelle Dugger does not "screw."

She "makes love."

Duh. And I'm sure those 18 (18!!!) kids were delivered to her by a stork, and not a result of them getting their freak on.

And I'm sorry dude...I hope you're feeling better soon. Maybe you'll get some insane bout of luck after this? Like some weird sack will wind up on your doorstep filled with should remember me when that happens, since I predicted it :)

minivan soapbox said...

Yea...Um...Happy Birthday? But did you dick over a girl in high school or something...Like REALLY dick her over...B/c maybe she has the line direct into Karma...Here's hoping it ends soon though!

Organic Meatbag said...

Man, you seriously deserve all good things to come your way... whoever dealt you this hand should have their sack removed and pulverized...

Aunt Juicebox said...

Oh no! Your appointment! Damn, dude. I'm so sorry. I hope you can still manage to have a good birthday.

Jade said...

Oh no! seems to me the worst things always seem to happen to the best people. I really hope things turn around for you soon - and at least that the birthday goes off well. Sending good wishes!

Sue said...

I'm hoping Karma doesn't show up for your birthday party!

Love the comment about Michelle Duggar!!!!

Logical Libby said...

I don't know if you've seen it, but there is a guy who cured his asthma by giving himself hookworm...

I bet it could get you a lot on the Today Show.

Daddy Files said...

Dear Michael:

I see I've gotten your attention with this string of bad luck. I knew the iPod thing would irk the shit out of you.

You want me to stop messing with you? Here's what you do:

Get your damn manifold exhaust fixed and drive to Cape Cod with $10,000 in unmarked, non-sequential $100 bills in a plain, black briefcase. Leave it underneath the Bourne Bridge on the second concrete pillar on the Cape side of the bridge at 5 p.m. tomorrow. Once confirmation is received I will spin the Wheel of Fortune in your favor.

If you refuse to pay, I will have no choice but to make you allergic to air and sunlight. Also, I will turn The Boss into a Yankees fan.

Hugs and kisses,

Stereos and Souffles said...

Holy hell. I hope your birthday is the start of a better and healthier year.

mommygeekology said...

Good lord. A week like that is where the phrase "when it rains, it pours" comes from.

If I see Karma, I'll be sure to kick his - or her - ass.

Ms. Case said...

Well hell, Karma's a bitch. We should throw her a few punches to the jaw.

mumma boo said...

Oh, man, it's GOT to get better from here! Right? Right.

Inna said...

I guess there is no where to go but up! Right? (((HUGS)))

Aunt Becky said...

Fuck man. I want to make a leg joke, but I'm really not laughing here.

Mwa said...

The iPod as well - that's just cruel.

(Hope you get better soon!)

Mrs. B said...

That seriously sucks! I hope you have a happy birthday at least.

Caron said...

If Karma is going to treat you like this, then she is never coming to my house for dinner. NEVER. Sometimes life sucks, but I really wish this wasn't happening to you.

Happy Birthday!

Captain Dumbass said...

My condolences on your iPod, I can't imagine losing mine. Hopefully Karma gets tired kicking your ass and lets you recover.

Tammy Howard said...

Oh, dude.

Yet even while karma has you bent over a chair, you still find your way to an awesome Duggar line.

Would wishing you a happy birthday be inappropriate? 'Cause you sure deserve one.

TechnoBabe said...

I hope you are exaggerating your breathing problems.If not, that is the worst allergy situation I have heard of. When you do get in to see the king of all allergy experts, you will be asked many questions like did you recently move to a new place, did you recently change laundry detergent, etc. So, did you? If I were you, I would go back into this post and re-phrase the part about not having the time with The Boss and switch it out with the iPod thing, then maybe you would actually get the new iPod for your birthday.

chocolategirl949 said...

Aw....(planting a sexy kiss on your cheek). I hope you get better Badass.

Badass Geek said...

Jenn(ifer): A hug would help.

Amy: I wish the car trouble was a joke, too!

Gloria: All day? Wow.

Nej: I don't recall killing any puppies, no.

The Good Cook: I sure hope so.

Moonspun: I do know what you mean. =)

Sandy: Actually, no.

Sams Mama: Objective complete, then.

Mrs Soup: Big balls indeed.

Natalie: I don't know if I'm up to the self-inflicted allergy test just yet. I've been to the ER enough times.

Nyx: Whatever she calls it, she's a fucking PRO at it.

Minivan Soapbox: No, not that I remember. If I did, well, she sure did wait long enough to call in her favor.

Organic Meatbag: I agree wholeheartedly.

Aunt Juicebox: Oh, I'm sure I will.

Jade: Thanks! I really appreciate it.

Sue: If Karma shows up, I'll kick her ass out.

Logical Libby: Uh... Uh... no thanks.

Daddy Files: Right. If I had $10k, I wouldn't be complaining about a broken iPod.

Stereos and Souffles: Thanks. Me, too.

Mommy Geekology: Please do.

Ms Case: Yes! That'd be nice.

Mumma Boo: That's what I'm hoping for.

Inna: Ideally, yes.

Aunt Becky: Please make a leg joke. I could use a good laugh.

Mwa: Isn't it? What did my iPod do to deserve death?

Mrs B: Thanks, I'm sure I will.

Caron: Life sucks sometimes, but the bad times makes us appreciate the good times.

Captain Dumbass: She should be getting pretty tired by now, I'd think.

Tammy Howard: Thanks. And for the record, I was holding out until the perfect time to make a Duggar joke.

TechnoBabe: No exaggerations here, and believe me, I've exhaustively mapped everything out since this all started. Nothing makes sense.

Chocolategirl949: Thanks. I appreciate it.

Maggie May said...

Here is what I would immediately be tested for:

Autoimmune indicators in blood: especially lupus

Celiac disease (gluten allergy)

Viral load in blood

Inflammatory factors in blood

~Jennifer~ said...

Wow, you are really not having a good time right now. Still hoping things take a turn for you.

BTW - Karma has a kick ass email address.

MIT Mommy said...

Yikes! Sounds like you need to live in a bubble for a week with sterile air and a good detox.


Post a Comment