Date: Friday, September 18th, 2009 at 9:01 AM
Subject: What The Fuck?
You must have heard by now about all of the crap that has been going on with me lately. Just in case you've been living under a rock, let me run it down for you. You know, the whole dog-allergy thing that turned into mysterious-allergies-to-the-unknown, causing me to be exiled from my apartment twice in the past month. I've been dealing with recurring hives, severe joint pain, and oh yeah - throat and airway constriction that makes it hard to breathe sometimes.
Nothing too serious, right? I mean, who needs to worry about such a simple thing like breathing? I know that I've got a pretty large lung capacity, so I'm all set as long as I can take in a full breath at least once every couple of minutes. If that doesn't work, well, I've got a couple of inhalers that fix me right up. After a couple of hits, I feel like I'm on speed and my hands shake like I'm a Parkinson's patient, but that's the breaks, I guess.
Oh, and speaking of medication... I'm on pretty much every antihistamine on the market. I'm pretty much a living sponsor for the makers of Benadryl, Claritin, Singulair, and Pepcid. I've spent so much money on antihistamines in the past month that I haven't been able to support my raging Mountain Dew habit. It's not just the antihistamines, either. I've been on varying doses of steroids for so long now that I've started putting an asterisk next to everything I do. I don't want a random drug test to spoil my image late in my career like so many professional athletes out there these days.
With all the mysterious allergies wreaking havoc on my body, and all of the medications I've been pumping into my system, I've been trying to take it easy and just let myself recuperate. I've started a short-term disability claim with my employer because my doctor thinks I need to keep out of work, to keep my stress level down. Until the claim kicks in, I'm going to have to burn through my vacation time to cover me for the hours that I'll be missing. It's a good thing I had almost two weeks of time saved up, otherwise I'd be more screwed than Michelle Duggar.
In the midst of all the chaos that has been on going for the past couple of weeks, I thought I finally spotted a ray of sunshine. By some cosmic shift in fate, I was able to get an appointment with a highly-sought-after allergist in my area. Normally this doctor is so busy that he books appointments 45 days ahead, but I was able to get in within a week. It seemed to me like I was finally getting a well-deserved break.
While driving to that oh-so-vital appointment yesterday, the appointment where I may have finally figured out what has been making me so sick, the appointment that could have cleared me to return to work and back to my apartment... the exhaust manifold on my truck rusted out.
So, there I was, stranded in a Walmart parking lot, 20 miles from home and 30 miles from the allergist's office. I had no choice but to call the allergist and cancel my appointment. I was understandably upset, an emotion made worse by finding out that the next available appointment with the doctor was not until October 29th.
Having enough breathing problems already without driving a truck that would be dumping pure exhaust into the cab, I had no choice but to have it towed. I called AAA and got a lift to my mechanic's garage, which was fortunately only a few miles away. I hoofed it from there to my younger (and very pregnant) sister's apartment, where I waited until The Boss got out of work to pick me up.
Now that you're up to speed on the latest developments here, I've got only one question for you:
What the fuck did I do to deserve this?
If this is your idea of some sick, twisted joke, knock it off. Having life-threatening health problems is enough for one person to handle without having something like a $500 or more car repair to worry about, especially when I'm already in the middle of a work-related financial crunch.
I'm thinking you've got me confused with someone else. I've lived a good life thus far, and short of being an asshole every now and then to blow off a little steam, I can't think of anything I've done that would merit this kind of response. I know that there's a guy with the same name as me who lives in the next town over who is kind of a bad apple. Maybe he's the guy you're looking for? It wouldn't be the first time that has happened.
This e-mail is getting lengthier than I intended, so I'll try to wrap things up. If I did something to upset the balances of karma and I deserve all of what has been coming at me, fine. Personally, I think I've had enough retribution, but I'll leave that up to you. All I'm asking is that if I do deserve this, please just spread the shit out a bit so it's not all happening at the same time. If you've made a mistake and all the crap that's been flooding my life for the past month was meant for someone else, just make it all fucking stop.
Forgive me if I've been a little bitter, but you've got to understand where I'm coming from.
P.S. I'm sorry I called you a bitch earlier. It was uncalled for.
P.P.S. I wasn't going to mention the fact that my beloved iPod died this week, but I figured I might as well throw it in there for good measure. Mess with my health, my employment, the time I can spend with The Boss, fine. But my iPod? The one thing that brings peace to my life at moments of peril? That's hitting a little too low below the belt there, Karma. If you'd like to make it up to me (my birthday is this weekend, after all), I'll take this one. The black 16 GB model, please.