Monday, October 26, 2009

In Which I Get Busted


I froze.

Right away, I knew I was busted.

She doesn't often address me by my first name when we're at home. Normally, it's "Hey, Babe" or something to that effect. There also was something in the tone of her voice, the way it carried on the air, sharply, on a knife's edge almost, from the living room to where I was, in the bedroom on the other side of the apartment.

I paused, holding out to reply until just before the point where I knew she'd call out for me again.

"Yeah?" I crafted the inflection of my voice with the perfect amount of innocence. Convenient, for a guilty man.

"Did you eat some of my Oreos?" she asked. I don't know why she asked, it was clear from the tone in her voice that she already knew the answer.

I paused again, though not for as long this time. "What do you mean?" I was giving an Oscar-worthy performance, feigning this ignorance. Even a polygraph or a wooden nose wouldn't be able to tell I was lying.

"I mean, did you eat some of my Oreos?" The edge to her voice got noticeably sharper. She was quickly approaching the Point Of No Return, and if past experiences have taught me nothing, I knew I better fess up.

"Yeah, I'm sorry," I admitted. I poured on as much schmaltz as I could, wanting to neutralize the situation. From the other side of the apartment, The Boss wasn't having any of it. She continued with her interrogation.

"And just how many did you have?"

"Just one," I assured her, my voice wavering. I was beginning to falter under the pressure. Keep it together, man!

Not believing me, The Boss asked, "How many times did you have just one?"

"Once!" I insisted. "I promise!" I left the bedroom and walked into the kitchen, where The Boss stood holding a package of Oreos in her hand. With the expression on her face, she resembled the World's Most Renown Skeptic.

"I only had one, I swear." I looked deep in her eyes, proving myself to her.

She set the package down on the counter and looked at me, a mixture of annoyance and disappointment. "Why, though? You have plenty of your own type of cookie. Why eat some of mine?"

"One," I corrected. "And I'm not sure why. I just wanted one. I'm sorry."

She blinked and shifted her feet, indignant.

"What?" I said. "The heart wants what the heart wants."

After living with me for four years, she should know by now that if there is good food in the house, regardless of who claims stakes a claim to it, I will invariably eat it. It's just my nature. Hell, it's masculine nature.

Happy Monday, folks.


You have only until the end of this week to enter the Fall Contest!


Mwa said...

I am in shock. SHOCK, I tell you. A man who knows the word "sorry?" Surely not?

Tammy Howard said...

When my youngest was in preschool they asked her what her mommy's name was. She answered - predictably - Mommy. Then they asked "What's her other name? What does Daddy call her?" the answer? "Hun". She was four years old and had never heard me referred to by my name...

Anyway, Babe, "How many times did you have just one?" is brilliant and I intend to steal it and use it at the next available opportunity.

Fun post!

Sandy said...

I love that "how many times did you eat one" line, too.

You obviously knew better.

Why, Mike, why?

Cheryl said...

I kicked my brother in the shin once for eating one of my chocolate chip cookies.

He's never taken any of my cookies since.

I might need to have a chat with the boss.

What's her email?

Natalie said...

I punched a guy in the stomach once for eating all of the home made brownies my mom sent me while I was in class. (college years)

He always asked from the point on. Well after he was done dry heaving in the hallway.

Moonspun said...

This if my favorite line: "How many times did you have just one?"
I have to remember that one!

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahaha! Hilarious! Don't worry, I always ask my wife if I'm going to eat some of her cookies and treats...very meekly, I might add...

Logical Libby said...

I cannot have a soda without at least one sip "disappearing." And once, I was cleaning the house while drinking a beer, and really worried because I didn't remember finishing it. Turns out, I didn't...

Keep out of the woman's cookies.

Kat said...

If there is any junk food in the house you can be sure that my husband will inhale it in about 3.5 seconds. I don't even bother asking now if things go missing.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I am amazed at your ability to turn YOUR lie around on her -- 'the heart what it wants'.... Oh pleeeassseee.....

If I were her, I eat one of your cookies....or drink all the milk so they'd be no milk for the cookies.

Mike said...

Man, the boss needs to lighten up. Seriously.

Notes From the Grove said...

You are a braaaaave man. And a lucky one. Next time, you might not make it out ALIVE.

Alan said...

Dude...I can't believe you got caught! Ya gotta know how to move the cookies from the back of the package forward so she doesn't notice til it's too late...

Employee No. 3699 said...

"How many times did you have just one?" Love it!

I'm picturing you smile at her with crumbly brown Oreo goodness all over your front teeth.

Aunt Juicebox said...

That's why I eat all my cookies on the way home from the store.

Nyx said...

...ballsy. Very ballsy.

next time, get your own package. or risk losing yours. :)

Melissa said...

I am totally confused. You are married and dont share your food?

I mean all things equal and everything. If she HAD to have something she didnt want you to have woudnt she keep it in a secret hiding place like any normal woman who doesnt want to share her chocolate?

Is she allowed to eat YOUR cookies?

Daddy Files said...

Women are very forgiving by nature. You can do almost anything to a woman and if you're really sorry, they'll forgive you. Anything, that is, except eat their food.

I'm not sure why, but it's built into their DNA to go off the deep end when you eat their food. Make no mistake, they are allowed to eat your food with no questions asked. But if they've staked a claim to a certain food in the house and you decide to eat it, you are making a decision to wade through bitch infested waters.

That having been said, when I'm mad at my wife I eat as much of "her" food as possible. I even eat the stuff I don't like. Then, when she accuses me, I say "It wasn't me. I don't even like that stuff."

Passive-aggressive marital warfare. It's all the rage.

Amy said...


Jane Lively said...

you're lucky you escaped from that one alive.

We left you a schmaltzy shout-out tag-you're it award over on FourJugs.

Miss Mariposa said...

its love...

i really need to hurry on that contest!

Coach J said...

I've had this conversation before, except in my case, he actually wanted to smell my breath to see if I had eaten his precious cookies.

Aunt Becky said...

Were they my favorite Halloween Oreos?

for the love of pictures said...

It's not just masculine nature :) I am that exact way with drinks in my house. If ice cold soda or juice is in the house, and I get thirsty, I'll drink it regardless of who claimed it. I usually apologize though :)

Jaime said...

After living with my siblings and my grandmother, I don't expect anything of mine to be there if I leave it where everyone can get to it. Even if it has my name on it. ESPECIALLY if it has my name on it. So I don't bother anymore.

Harlem's A Hatin said...

Hilarious post! "The Boss"

x said...

I asked Jake the other day why we always only keep exactly what we need to get by that week in our pantry. No extra goodies, no snack cakes, no nothing. The moment I asked that question I realized how stupid it was.

Chibi Jeebs said...

First off, I hope you men-folk know that we're on to you: we know the stalling tactic almost *always* precedes a lie. You're not fooling us! There's another tell-tale sign, but I'm not gonna be the one to blow it.

Secondly, my dad was famous for taking a bite/drink and then claiming he was "checking to make sure it's not poisoned!" if we squawked. *shakes head*

Melissa said...

Was this blog Boss approved? (sorry second post lol). Cuz, seriously. I would be madder at being called a cookie nazi in the Internets than if you ate my cookies lol.

LucyCooper said...

Everyone knows you don't actually "eat" Oreos. You just suck on them until they collapse. Feel free to use that lame, hair-splitting evasion next time.

dsmcaron said...

You're supposed to leave Oreos alone? How can you do that?

Laura said...

I can never avoid oreos. Have you tried the vanilla ones? Those are sooooo yummy!

Mad Woman said...

This is precisely why I hide the crap I bring home. And then eat it after he's gone to bed. Geez. You men.

world of sekimachihato said...

i think it's so funny (and weird) that you guys have separate biscuits!
how did that come about?!

Badass Geek said...

Mwa: Shocking, isn't it?

Tammy Howard: Makes sense to me!

Sandy: I just don't know.

Cheryl: I'm not sure if she has one for her blog yet or not. I'll have to check.

Natalie: Lesson learned.

Moonspun: It will come in handy.

Organic Meatbag: I usually do. This time, though...

Logical Libby: But, oh, the temptation.

Kat: Sounds about right.

Little Ms Blogger: No worries there. She doesn't like milk.

Mike: Yeah, she wasn't really upset about it.

NFTG: There may not be a next time.

Alan: I did! She must have counted them or something.

Employee No 3699: The deed had been done hours beforehand, so there was no physical evidence on my teeth.

Aunt Juicebox: Now THERE'S an idea.

Nyx: I had my own package, I just wanted one of hers.

Melissa: Sharing is relative to the item. With Oreos, apparently, there is no sharing unless she says so.

Daddy Files: Totally, dude.

Amy: What can I say?

Jane Lively: Thanks!

Miss Mariposa: Time is running out!

Coach J: She didn't go that far with me... luckily.

Aunt Becky: No, just regular old Oreos.

FTLOP: Me, too. When I'm thirsty, I'm THIRSTY.

Jaime: Yeah, growing up in my home it was the same way.

Harlem: Thanks.

X: Exactly. They wouldn't stay in there for long.

Chibi Jeebs: Hey, self-sacrifice is a noble way to go out.

Melissa: She did approve this post before I put it up. I'm not THAT crazy.

Lucy Cooper: This is true.

Dsmcaron: I don't know.

Laura: I'll have to give 'em a try.

Mad Woman: Guilty as charged.

WOS: Probably from her being tired of me eating them before she gets to have more than a couple.

Children of the 90s said...

The heart wants what it wants...that's deep. I'm impressed. Your skirting of blame is very articulate.

Mrs Soup said...

You may choose your cookie at the store, but when you get home and see the other's choice, you always want that one. It's a law of nature.

Sadako said...

Oreos: you can't eat just one. They're the pringles of cookies.

filmgirl said...

one? impossible. but you are right--you can't just have that stuff lying around, it will get eaten. if it's in the house, it's fair game. that is why I never ever buy junkfood--instead I just go to other people's houses and eat theirs. it's fat free that way.

Lady Mama said...

That's why I keep my cookies under my pillow and eat them in the middle of the night. Just kidding. Actually now I just assume that if there's cookies or anything sweet in the house, they'll get eaten.

mumma boo said...

And my husband wonders why I hide my chocolate stash from him. Yeesh - you were lucky to escape. :)

Poppy said...

I am NOT taking your side, but in our home food is communal, even if it's "mine" or "his". :) Anything I don't want him eating... I eat it.

rebecca said...

HA! Love it!

"How many times did you just have one?"

"Hell, it's my masculine nature."

Great lines! Well-told story.

Nej said...

How many did you really eat? :-)

Just between you and me. No one else has to know. :-) :-)

Lola said...

Around here, you either hide it incredibly well or it's fair game!

Lucky for me, I'm the only one who can hide worth a damn ;)

Chris Mancini said...

It's not like it was the last oreo on earth. In fact, you ate it to protect her blood sugar level. You didn't want her to get type II diabetes. I think you were just looking out for her by eating. What else could a wife ask for?

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