Wednesday, December 2, 2009

In Which I Am Just Plain Weird

Early last week, I got sick. The Boss had been fighting a cold for over a month, and it seemed that I had evaded her germs for as long as I could. I presented with the same symptoms as she had, with the runny/stuffy nose, cough, sore throat, and fever. It was fun stuff, let me tell you. Lucky for me, I don't stay sick for too long when I get colds, so I'm just about over it now.

When I was right in the middle of it, when the congestion was at it's worst, I would spend a couple hours a night on the couch, so The Boss could fall asleep and get to a deep sleep, before I would come to bed. I'm a pretty loud snorer as it is, so when you add in even a touch of congestion, it gets to be pretty unbearable. The Boss had likened the sound of my sick-snoring to a non-lubricated chainsaw with dull teeth trying to cut through thick flaps of wet leather. With a herd of angry cows and a mouth-breather in the background.

Clearly, I'm dead sexy when I'm sick. As if the snot and the boogers and the drool and the sweat wasn't enough.

After I tuck The Boss into bed, I would set an alarm on my cell phone for some point in the wee hours of the morning, and try to fit my six-foot-tall frame on our five-foot-long couch. I usually ended up spread eagle on my back (that's what she said!) with one leg dangling off the couch on the floor, and the other up on top of the back cushions. I'll sleep for a few hours until my alarm goes off, at which point I'll stumble to the bedroom to finish the rest of the night in bed.

But first, a pit stop at the toilet.

Now, we have two lights in our bathroom: one large bank of lights over the vanity, and a second in the exhaust fan mounted in the ceiling over the toilet. Most nights, having just woken up and not wanting to blind myself from the 15,000 mega-watt bulbs over the vanity, I usually turn on the light over the toilet. It's got a nice low-wattage bulb, and it's the perfect brightness for the middle-of-the-night piss.

On the night in question, I stumbled to the bathroom and switched on the second light like I had gotten in the habit of doing. As I stood there with one hand occupied with keeping aim and the other hand tasked with scratching various places, I thought that the light coming down from the ceiling above me was more... heavenly than normal. I was in the middle of the longest midnight piss of my life, and all I could think about was how I was bathing in this soft, ethereal light from the Gods. In this hazy state of half sleep, half consciousness, I became convinced that the light actually was coming from Heaven.

I started to panic, thinking I was going to take a closer walk with Jesus while urinating and scratching my ass. What was that thrumming sound? Was it the sound of God talking to me? Was it the sound of Him passing through the ceiling to join me in the bathroom? Was Jesus going to give me a chance to cover up before He just barged right in? Would it be rude of me to ask Him to wait a minute while I finished?

In my panic, the hand responsible for my aim became shaky, and I started to piss on the floor.

Feeling the warm spray of urine on my feet and shins was the wake-up call I needed. I fully woke up and came quickly to my senses, realizing (of course) that I had been hearing the rumble of the exhaust fan, and the light was just... a light bulb. As I knelt down on the floor to clean up the mess I made, I made a mental note to make sure I'm fully awake before taking a leak next time.

Any more religious experiences like this, and we'd have to get some more paper towels.

35 Comments:

Moonspun said...

Did The Boss get any pictures of your spread eagle???
I love your stories. You can't make up the good stuff!

Aunt Becky said...

You're fucking hilarious. SERIOUSLY.

Deb Thaxton said...

-->That's What She Said (TWSS)! Hilarious.

Jan said...

I'm glad you cleaned up afterward, not every guy (or woman) would have.

Nej said...

".....non-lubricated chainsaw with dull teeth trying to cut through thick flaps of wet leather. With a herd of angry cows and a mouth-breather in the background."

Were you and Mot twins separated at birth? :-)

Mwa said...

Too good. Really.

Nyx said...

Hm...at least you have a low-wattage bulb. I get up in the middle of the night to piss, and I'm blinded by the (nuclear) glare of *three* high-wattage bulbs.

Urk. At least I've never pissed on the floor though ;p

mepsipax said...

Wow, just wow. That was hilarious. I sleep on the couch like everynight. Just don't like sleeping in bed without my girlfriend. But I have never pissed on the floor. Well, one time in college... However, I have slept walked into the kitchen and made a sandwich.

carissajade said...

Ohhhh Badass, you must have been really sick to have had such a religous experience whilst pissing. I bet you didn't soap down your leg before climbing back in bed with the boss... Men! Hope you're feeling all better now!

GeekByMarriage said...

Poor, sick, Geek. I feel pity but not enough to stop me from laughing at you.

Daddy Files said...

Wow. That is...just wow.

I can see sleepwalking and pissing on the floor. But you woke up, went to the bathroom, started taking a piss, and then started hallucinating mid-stream. And you pissed on the floor!

You're a better man than I am for cleaning it up though. I would've gone back to bed, let the wife step in it and claimed I was sleepwalking and didn't remember.

Rebecca Knight said...

Oh, MAN. I hate middle of the night half-dreaming hallucinations. Sweet of you to take the couch so The Boss can sleep, though :).

Organic Meatbag said...

If there's one thing man has learned through the years, it's that Jesus does not respect a messy pisser...you may have just missed the cut, my friend...so sorry...

Natalie said...

Once again you have ruined my mascara due to laughing so hard I have tears. I need to wear water-proof before I read your blog posts.

Amy said...

That is seriously the funniest thing I have ever read. Please, do not keep ass scratching and piss missing to yourself any further!!

I need this in my life badass!!!!

The Peach Tart said...

Well at least you're a good hubby and clean up after yourself.

toywithme said...

O.M.G. - You cleaned it up? I think I love you.

Jaime said...

This is actually pretty awesome.

Mrs Soup said...

Bwahaahahaha! Awesome.

And hey, at least you cleaned up!

BeautifulWreck said...

OMG!! You are a good man for cleaning up your mess. You are too damn funny!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Okay, this was better than I thought. I thought you were going to say something like "I got out of my sleep daze to find out I was peeing in the kitchen sink or a bucket".

Points on cleaning up after self.

Chris Mancini said...

During flu season, it's just a waiting game...

Mommakin said...

I am just so impressed that you cleaned up after yourself. And right away, too!

I sleep on the couch all night when I'm sick. But I'm considerably shorter than you are.

Badass Geek said...

Moonspun: There are no pictures, no. She did get a good laugh out of it at least.

Aunt Becky: Thank you kindly!

Deb Thaxton: We make those jokes all the time around here.

Jan: I earn my keep.

Nej: Quite possibly. The odds of there being someone else as awesome (and humble) as me out there are pretty high.

Mwa: Glad you think so.

Nyx: You probably just jinxed yourself.

Mepsipax: I slept walked and played Sega once.

Carissa Jade: You know... you're right. I didn't soap down my leg. Oops.

GeekByMarriage: No worries. I enjoy making people laugh at me. It's one of my talents.

Daddy Files: I would have still been made to clean it up, though.

Rebecca Knight: It benefits us both, because if The Boss doesn't get sleep, well... lets just say that it's better that she does.

Organic Meatbag: It wasn't my fault!

Natalie: I'll try to warn you next time.

Amy: Your wish is my command.

The Peach Tart: Always.

ToyWithMe: Aww, shucks.

Jaime: I thought so.

Mrs Soup: Oh, it was insane.

BeautifulWreck: I couldn't make this stuff up.

Little Ms Blogger: Been there, done that. Hallucinating Jesus was better.

Chris Mancini: It sure is.

Mommakin: I didn't want to get pulled out of bed in the early morning to clean it up, so I might as well just clean it up right then.

Lola said...

Have you been hitting the drugs again?

Sadako said...

Haha. Loved this post. Hilarious.

x said...

Of course he cleaned it up! Can you imagine what The Boss would've done if he hadn't?!

joyiseverywhere said...

One time, when my husband was a kid, he made a wrong turn in the new house they had just moved into and ended up pissing on all the pots and pans.

TechnoBabe said...

You could be telling our story, exactly, same snoring, same bathroom, same lights in same place, all up to point of the Jesus experience. Hubby snores just like you say your wife describes your snoring. Sometimes it feels like the walls must be sucked in and out. I wonder if it wakes the neighbors in the house next door except they are older than we are and hard of hearing, lucky for them. But we have carpet on the floor during winter because it is way too cold for me to walk in the bathroom on cold linoleum in my sweet dainty warm feet and hit the cold floor. So carpet it is. Hubby would not be able to fool me, I would know if he missed the toilet because the carpet would have an odor. Lucky for you all you had to do was swish around a few paper towels. That is all I have to say about that.

Sonia Sunny Thomas said...

Hilarious... I think its cool as long as the Boss doesnt get to know about you making a mess in the bathroom... :P

Notesfromthegrove said...

Hahaha! I HATE peeing in the middle of the night. Fortunately I've never mis-aimed (you know, being a girl makes that part kind of easy). But I HAVE had to clean up cat puke in the middle of the night!

Tony said...

Dude that is just too funny - somehow I get this weird feeling that we have to be related in some strange way -

Sandy said...

Funy but entirely TMI about your and how men pee. Just saying.

Sandy said...

Funny even, my fingers are frozen.

mumma boo said...

Big points for cleaning up the mess. Too freakin' funny!

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.