Wednesday, December 9, 2009

In Which I Don't Make The Rules

If you stop and think about it, there are a lot of rules that we as a society follow. Some of these rules are unspoken, things that we learn inherently from watching other people's actions and reactions, but a majority of them are things we are instructed to do or not do. Don't walk on the grass. Don't fart in church. Don't give whiskey to children.

Rules, rules, rules.

We're so obsessed about being politically correct and not stepping on anyone's toes and not upsetting anyone, so there are rules for everything. There are probably even rules about having rules. And those rules probably have a set of rules governing them. Don't even get me started on the inevitable exceptions to these rules. That's a whole other brand of vodka.

It occurred to me lately, in the twisted way that my mind works, that some of the rules that have been ingrained into our human nature have more than one application. The more I thought about it, the more I found that there are some rules that are universal.

For example:
"Look, but don't touch." - Spoken to children in museums or any place where there are breakable items. Also applies to observer's in an operating room, House-Of-Cards building competitions, and strip clubs.
"No jumping on the couch." - Orders given to children playing on the furniture. Also applies to celebrities with a tendency for irrational behavior being featured as a guest on popular afternoon talk shows. 
"Always wear clean underwear." - Advice given by mothers to their children, specifically warning them about wearing clean undergarments in case they are in an accident. Also applies to drug mules and hookers. 
"Don't talk with your mouth full." - A rule imposed on anyone who likes to both eat and talk. Also applies to those currently engaged in oral sex. 

I'm sure there are many other rules that could be considered universal that I didn't think of. I mean, there has got to be more. This is just all that my sleep-deprived mind can put together right now.

What can you come up with?

31 Comments:

JennyMac said...

Don't run with scissors...meant to protect you from stabbing yourself when engaged in horseplay and sharp objects..although not applicable to Augusten Burroughs...

Think before you speak..meant for everyone really, but should be especially applicable to certain politicians.

Cheryl said...

What do you mean "don't fart in church".. I have never heard of this rule.

Jan said...

Shut the refrigerator door, you're letting all the cold out!

Deb Thaxton said...

You get what you get and you don't get upset. Also known as Marriage.

;-)
~deb
www.WebSavyMom.com

mumma boo said...

Don't be a tattletale. Applies to small children, Mob informants, and celebrity wannabe's trying to get their 15 minutes.

Moonspun said...

I can't tell you how many times I've said to lil moonspun in some shops, "don't even think about touching anything."
how about "you should be grateful, others don't have what you have."

Logical Libby said...

"Eat your vegetables." I am 35 years old and I still can't eat what I want because of my Mom's voice in my head.

Mwa said...

Play nicely together. Applicable in so many situations.

mepsipax said...

You break it you buy it. Works for merchandise and women. Seriously, don't fuck it up for the rest of us.
And mumma boo. My brother best said it as "Snitches get stitches"

Organic Meatbag said...

Don't shit where you eat...unless you are two girls with one cup...

Aunt Juicebox said...

Do what I say, and nobody gets hurts. Oh wait, that may just be in my house. Sorry.

Amber Page Writes said...

Do unto others what you would have done to you. I'll just let your imaginations think of all the situations where that is applicable...

carissajaded said...

Don't look a gifthorse in the mouth. I don't think you should look anyone in the mouth... it's just weird. Unless you're a dentist.

Jenn(ifer) said...

pick up your feet!!

I used to hate hearing that, now I'm forever telling Boy Child to pick up his feet when he walks.

Notesfromthegrove said...

I never got the underwear one. I mean, are they actually going to look INSIDE my underwear? That's perverted.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Don't talk to strangers....How does that work on a blind date? Do you sit and stare at each other?

Also, at some point, your friend was once a stranger ...so when does the transition from stranger to nonstranger occur if you're not allowed to talk to people?

otin said...

How about, "Don't take candy from or talk to strangers"? Then we dress kids up and tell them to knock on a stranger's door and ask for candy! LOL!

Rebecca Knight said...

How about "Keep your eye on the ball"? Not only does it apply to little league, but also to wrecking ball operators and lasik doctors.

BugginWord said...

Play well with others. Told to children before sending them off to school, or to strippers before they take the stage, or professional athletes (maybe not so many others, Tiger).

Girls, you're both pretty. Told to children to break up fights, or to the skanky girls on any of the 917 horrible reality dating shows. Always worked well in my house where I was the only girl.

Chris Mancini said...

Don't drink the water and don't sleep on the floor.

Melissa said...

Dont eat the mush. Why? It's spoiled.

(this is for the generation that was actually ALLOWED to watch Little Rascals vintage)

Melanie's Randomness said...

OOoo OOOO!! Okay so I read this post earlier and I couldn't think of a funny one so I didn't comment. BUT then I watched Happy Feet, i know but its cute, and the lil baby penguins gave me a rule for you!!

Don't eat yellow snow! =)

Badass Geek said...

JennyMac: True enough.

Cheryl: Oh. Well, keep on doing it then.

Jan: But how am I supposed to know what's in there?

Deb Thaxton: Very true. =)

Mumma Boo: Unless you're seeking revenge. Then it's all fair game.

Moonspun: Ah, yes. Another good one.

Logical Libby: Really? I don't have any problem not eating vegetables.

Mwa: Indeed.

Mepsipax: Clever.

Organic Meatbag: Bad mental images.

Aunt Juicebox: Still, a good one.

Amber Page Writes: Oh, there are SO many ways that could be interpreted.

CarissaJaded: Right. That's just weird.

Jenn(ifer): My parents used to say that to me all the time, too. Now my wife does.

NFTG: Perverts are everywhere.

Little Ms Blogger: Rules are made to be broken, I guess.

Otin: Talk about double standards, right?

Rebecca Knight: And a few other people I can think of.

BugginWord: Tiger plays a little *too* well with others.

Chris Mancini: Also, don't drink the water off of the floor.

Melissa: Good point.

Melanie's Randomness: An excellent rule.

Nej said...

The white zone is for the loading and unloading of passengers only.....

No, that one doesn't really work.

Phoenix said...

My mom always says, "The floor is not a shelf," meaning, Please don't peel off your shoes, socks, and jeans and just dump them on the floor.

But I find it makes a nice soft carpet when I have forgotten to vacuum the one underneath.

I am particularly fond of the rule "Drive it like you stole it." Comes in handy in LA traffic.

jaysmom said...

Use your "inside voice"...good for loud children

Wait an hour after you eat before you swim...I never waited and I turned out just fine.

And all of these have to be adhered to "because I said so..."

Straitjackets are Slimming said...

stand up straight. also smile or your face will be stuck that way or get botox and it can be stuck however you would like, hahaha. I'm a rule breaker.

Mad Woman said...

Oh my gawd...I can't even come up with my own because I'm too busy laughing at yours and everyone else's. Too funny.

I have an award for you on my blog.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Don't fry bacon in the buff. Or a wedding dress or while wrapped in the saran wrap you met your husband in at the door.

Not exactly universal but good thing to know, nonetheless.

Lola said...

Do not wake me up unless you're dying is about the only rule that cannot be bent or broken around here...

Melisa said...

"Do not hit people" said as you are spanking the child that hit someone. As in, "Do not hit people "

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