Monday, December 21, 2009

In Which I Surprise Even Myself

It had been a harrowing week, thanks to the court proceedings that drew me to testify against a feared member and leader of the local mob branch. True to the story of my life, I had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and found myself scared for my life. And yet I agreed with the D.A.'s request to testify, and wound up with a 24-hour security detail to protect me from any mob low-life who might try to silence me.

I sat in the darkened living room in a safe house in an uncomfortable easy chair, looking at one of my heavily-armed security guards asleep on the couch. There was another guard by the front door, and a third by the back door leading out towards the patio. By all rights their presence should have made me feel more at ease, but I felt just the opposite. I jumped at every small noise I heard.

When the knock sounded on the front door, I just about popped out of my skin.

The guard asleep on the couch sprung up, and had his sidearm leveled at the door and his finger on the trigger before he was completely upright. The guard at the door had done the same, sliding silently off of his chair and into a crouch. The third guard at the back door hid around the corner, only the tip of his rifle visible.

There was a second round of knocks. The hollow sounds seemed almost annoyed at being forced to wait. The guard at the door motioned for me to get up. My chair creaked as I stood up, and I walked quietly to the door.

"Who is it?" I called out.

"US Marshalls, Sir," a stern voice replied. "We need to talk to you. Urgently."

"Let's see some identification," the first guard said. "Hold it up near your chest."

The first guard leaned towards the door and looked through the peep hole. Seemingly satisfied, he dropped his sidearm. "All clear," he said to the other guards in the room. "It's legit."

He opened the door, and two large men stepped inside. He held up his badge for me to see, and indeed it was legit. His partner did the same, shifting the weight of the gym bag he carried to his right hand. I acknowledged them both with a nod.

"The name is Watts," he said, and stuck out his hand. I grasped it and shook it firmly.

"What's this about?" I asked.

"Sir, our surveillance team keeping tabs on the man you testified against this week discovered plans to launch a large tactical assault against this house later tonight. We're not sure if this is threat is real, but we can't risk waiting it out to see. It's been decided that it's no longer safe for you to stay here. We're placing you in protection."

"What do you mean? Witness protection?" I stammered, my skin turning cold.

"No, not witness protection. We were given orders to place you in our Wetness Protection program."

I blinked. Did I hear him correctly?

"We've got your supplies right here," he said. Turning to his partner, he reached for the gym bag. "Simmons?"

Simmons reached down and picked up the bag, and handed it to Watts. He grabbed the zipper and pulled it open. Pulling the large flap back, I looked inside. There were at least a dozen adult-sized diapers stacked neatly side by side.

"This... this doesn't make sense. Surely you misunderstood your orders."

He laughed arrogantly. "Sir, I assure you that I heard my orders correctly, and frankly, you've got no real choice in the matter."

"But... wetness protection? That doesn't even make sense! How is that supposed to help me from getting shot up from the mob?"

"That's up to you, I suppose. Orders are orders. Now, come on. We've only got a few minutes. Hop to it."

He shoved the gym bag at me. I caught it at my chest and stumbled back a step.

"You've got to be kidding. I'm not changing into a diaper. This is ridiculous!"

Watts sighed, and turned to Simmons. They seemed to communicate through a series of shrugs and nods. Watts turned back to face me, and then grabbed me by the shoulders.

"Grab his pants!" he cried. I struggled against his strong grip, but couldn't free myself.

Simmons leaped forward and began unbuckling my belt. I kicked and thrashed my legs.

The guard who had been sleeping looked down at me, but offered no help.

"Having problems with incontinence?" he asked, as if genuinely interested.

"Get affordable wetness protection now, with new adult diapers!" Simmons said cheerily with a booming voice. "Discreet, not bulky under your clothing, super absorbent and non-constricting!"

Watts spoke up. "Available now, in a variety of sizes, at your local supermarket or pharmacy!"

---

I woke up, gasping, and sat up. I had fallen asleep the couch, and the TV was on still. I blinked my eyes to clear the sleep from them, and sure enough, the tail end of a commercial for incontinence products was on.

Damn overactive imagination.

Have a good Monday, folks.

109 Comments:

DesBisoux said...

bwahahaahaa!! i actually bought it. up to certain point!
your dreams are SOOO much cooler than mine...
boo!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Very funny - love the overactive imagination.

Just imagine if the over active bladder commercial was followed by a sham-wow commercial? You'd be mopping up your own pee.

The Good Cook said...

I was reading and was like, wait, what did I miss? Witness? Protection.. you got me.

Moonspun said...

jesus f'n...christ, badass, you totally had me going! Your brain is amazing!

Dag Nabbit said...

I'd say it's lucky there wasn't a "Party Chat" commercial on, or you might've found yourself attacked by beautiful girls (in lingerie), new to town, who desperately need someone to talk to...gad, terrifying!!!

Technogran said...

LOL. I guessed it was all a dream...

Melissa said...

LOL - Dont you hate it when you dream to the tv? That happens to me too often.

carissajaded said...

HAHA I freaking love your dreams... At least you didn't actually piss the floor this time!!

What I wouldn't give to have an adventure in "being bad ass geek." What a trip.

Jaime said...

GOODNESS!

Mrs Soup said...

Ahahahahahaaha!! BRILLIANT!

Brandi said...

congrats on Blog Of Note ... : )

Iva said...

LOL!!! hilarious ;) Happy Monday!

Missy Copeland said...

LOL! you are so funny. I acutally believed it.
you should follow me!
missycopeland.blogspot.com

BugginWord said...

You're my hero. I might need wetness protection to make it through the next post.

Rebecca Knight said...

Wetness protection does make sense if you're being threatened by mobsters :).

HEHEHE. Thanks for this!

Amy said...

WETNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!

BRILLIANT!

Stormy said...

Lol, too funny

Tina said...

Hi, I came here because you just got Blog of Note! Congratulations! I don't follow many blogs of note but you're funny and a good writer, so here I am.

mysterg said...

Congrats on the Blog of Note Badass - couldn't happen to a nicer chap!

Oberon said...

...(gesticulating wildly)...you sir, have been invited to join globalove think tank.

OBAT KANKER said...

hi

DropDeadKag!! said...

Gawd, i could use some of that "wetness protection" atm. im Laughing Soo hard i might wet myself xD

Mad Woman said...

You're an ass. I was totally buying that for a while.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Dammit! Me too! About the totally buying it I mean.

Richard said...

Awesome job, and congrats on your blog of note!

Lady Mama said...

Bloody hell. You really do remember your dreams in detail! I was worried for a moment there.

fakertesterson said...

A girl died in 1933 by a homicidal murderer. He buried her in the ground when she was still alive. The murdered chanted, "Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded.

for the love of pictures said...

You so had me up to a point. I kept asking myself what I missed :) Very vivid dream!

for the love of pictures said...

Congrats on the Blog of Note recognition too, btw! Your amazing blog completely deserves it :)

Ellie said...

Did I ever tell you I have a secret fetish for a man in diapers?

Jennifer said...

HAHAHAHAHAH, Awesome post! :D Just for this post, I'm definitely following you now, haha.

Oh, and congrats on making Blog of Note!! ;)

Entrepreneur Chick said...

BadAss Geek-

Now there's a creative name if I ever heard one, and someone who can easily make millions. I know it.

Lola said...

Okay, so what is this blog of note deal? Being a blogtard, I'm lost. Where can I find the award ceremony and your speech?

The Lissst! said...

Thats Badass Chic! Really though, amazing. Keep up the good work. O' and if you have a minute, it would mean a lot of you could check out my site. http://thelissst.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Such a professional narration. Time you try the Hollywood, I guess.

Sophie said...

Congratulations...

Dylan Murphy said...

The only way this story could've been better is if the marshall turned out to be a male stripper as well, and proceeded to handcuff you to the bed, and then continue with the diaper ceremonies.

Lianne said...

i think i just found a new blog to follow :)

leethroughthelens.blogspot.com

Rizky2009 said...

nice artikle... folow me back friend

SANEGO2000 said...

Amazing piece of work.

http://tinyurl.com/google-orkut-gadget

Kate said...

Ha ha love your dreams - awesome

Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

Caron said...

Hollow sound annoyed...I like that! You might try listening to a couple episodes of Pat Novak online. You did a great job with this. Stupid commercialas interruptus.

MC.MCNEE said...

wow,for a second I was like, he isn't going to do the thing where it was all a dream, but you did. Oh well, great bit of writing anyway.

Badass Geek said...

DesBisoux: Thank you!

Little Ms Blogger: It's a blessing and a curse.

The Good Cook: Success!

Moonspun: Thank you!

Dag Nabbit: I would have much preferred that.

Technogran: Ah, yes.

Melissa: Me, too.

CarissaJaded: It's definitely interesting some times.

Jaime: Indeed!

Mrs Soup: Thank you!

Brandi: Thank you very much!

Iva: Thanks, you, too.

Missy Copeland: I'll take a look!

BugginWord: Maybe... just maybe.

Rebecca Knight: It does, doesn't it?

Amy: Thank you kindly!

Stormy: Thank you.

Tina: I hope you come back soon.

Mysterg: Thanks, kind sir. I appreciate it!

Oberon: Thank you.

OBAT KANKER: Hello.

DropDeadKag: Glad you enjoyed it!

Mad Woman: You love it and you know it. =)

Aunt Juicebox: Gotcha!

Richard: Thank you!

Lady Mama: I don't often remember my dreams, but the ones I do remember are very clear.

Fakertesterson: I'll take my chances.

FTLOP: Thank you very much!

Ellie: Really? Hmm...

Jennifer: Thank you! I hope you enjoy the rest of what I write, too.

Entrepreneur Chick: Thank you for your confidence in me.

Lola: Blogs of Note is something that the Blogger team does to recognize special/interesting blogs that they come across. You can find the BON blog here (http://blogsofnote.blogspot.com/)

The Lissst: I'll take a look.

Anonymous: Maybe.

Sophie: Thank you.

Dylan Murphy: That would have been quite traumatizing.

Lianne: Great! Hope you enjoy it!

Rizky2009: I'll check it out.

SANEGO2000: Thank you.

Kate: Thanks, Kate!

Caron: I'll have to check that out!

MC.MCNEE: Thank you.

chrspham123 said...

who ever head of wetness protection? it is a bit entertaining

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

At first, I was like WOW his life is exciting! Then I started thinking "Wait a minute..."

Don't you love vivid dreams?

Harley said...

I once believed him and was really worried for you. And then laughed when to finish. Just the book you can write in your dreams.

kameraX said...

u're invited. new contest at http://kameraxburuk.blogspot.com/2009/12/giveaway.html dont forget to click the blue box on the top page

Please comment said...

Nice site! Come to mine: cheeralways247sadventures.blogspot.com

JennyMac said...

You are awesome M! And Blog of Note? You are definitely a Blog of Note my friend.

Skeptigirl said...

Being a first time reader I almost bought that to be real, until the "wetness protection" part. Had you left that out you would have fooled us arriving from blogs of note that you are way bad ass than you are.

Deb Thaxton said...

-->You're the only one who can describe their dreams and they not only make sense but are HIGHLY entertaining. Wetless protection.... haha...

~deb
www.WebSavyMom.com

Great Sales Today said...

Dream, dream, dream. Im always want to get good dream. I have only got one true dream in whould my life.

websurf90 said...

kewl

mumma boo said...

That was too funny! Congrats on the Blog of Note and shuttling the job! Quite a week!

Children of the 90s said...

You definitely had me there for a minute. Nice work!

Overseer Bochicchio said...

Hahaha.
Become a member of the Conclave of Knowledge

Spread the word

http://theconclaveofknowledge.blogspot.com/

Cheryl said...

I was actually on the edge of my seat like, OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

.. I hate you.

Cheryl said...

Wait, no I didn't mean that.

omchelsea said...

In which i sigh. Loudly.

Gillian said...

Congrats on your Blogs of Note. From a Scots lass in South Africa.

Notes From the Grove said...

Hahahaha! I was like, "Dude...what the???"

ARG! You pulled a Dallas on me! You know, when you wake up at the end only to discover it was all a dream?

Anonymous said...

 AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,線上成人影城

影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,線上成人影城

Anonymous said...

 AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,線上成人影城

影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,線上成人影城

Anonymous said...

 AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,AV視訊聊天室,線上成人影城

影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,影音視訊聊天室,線上成人影城

eda said...

G點性感丁字褲吊帶襪丁字褲無線跳蛋
角色扮演跳蛋情趣跳蛋

情趣用品情趣煙火
衣蝶情趣按摩棒
按摩棒電動按摩棒飛機杯自慰套自慰套情趣內衣

潤滑液SM內衣性感內衣自慰器充氣娃娃AV情趣情趣用品

Isabella said...

OMG that was so funny! In the beginning I found myself thinking...no way!! Good post.
Thanks,
Isabella

Ben said...

loved it!

Nej said...

There are no words to describe how jealous I am of that dream! Classic!!!!!

cascade coupons said...

so happy all commentators and also me.. thanks man to post and to entertainment.

cascade coupons said...

yes man... i am also happy after reading this blog content.

bob evans coupons said...

out standing work

super bowl hotels said...

good one

Advertron said...

I really appreciate the person who has written such a wonderful blog. Your simple use of language and no frills
makes the post a great read.

Personal Trainer said...

Your Blog is Fabulous. Good article rather. Very interesting.

Online Personal Trainer said...

Amazing post.

tree care said...

This has been a so interesting read, would love to read more here....

how to burp said...

Great Post

Personal Training NW3 said...

Nice one

Logo maker said...

great post, I never knew that, this is by far one of the most comprehensive posts i've seen here and look forward to more of the you have always nice things to post.

juicing recipes said...

thanks for the information i will go and take a look for it.

DOG POOP BAGS said...

Thank you for the information. Great job you have done and keep it up.

Formula one hotels said...

Excellent information, this is exactly what I needed. Thanks. Keep up the good work!

Immigration said...

I like your information. I have been looking for this type of information that is interesting and good

Bespoke jewelry said...

thanks for the information i will go and take a look for it

Indian News said...

Hi, Nice to see a pretty professionally done blog on the this rich subject.

buy ritalin online said...

Preservation and promotion of health is achieved through a combination of physical, mental and social well-being, sometimes called "the triangle of health." Health is a positive concept focuses on the social and personal resources, as well as physical capacities.

buy xanax online said...

Preservation and promotion of health is achieved through a combination of physical, mental and social well-being, sometimes called "the triangle of health." Health is a positive concept focuses on the social and personal resources, as well as physical capacities.

organic supplements said...

One of the benefits of organic foods is that they do not have as many chemicals such as pesticides on or in them. Also, many studies have shown organic foods to have higher levels of some nutrients. Some of these minerals were Calcium and Magnesium.

curcumin said...

There’s visibly a new bundle in order to identify relating to this. I just believe you’ve made various good points inside elements likewise.

natural sleep aid said...

Thanks for the post, its really containing the descent knowledge and I really like the blog.

tubal reversal surgery said...

Hey great Blog, thank you for sharing this all post.
Amazing... ;)

reversal of tubal ligation
tubal reversals

dieta online said...

Así se describe en el artículo anterior.
Es muy informativo e impresionante.
Gracias por su actualización.

buy percocet online said...

I'm still learning from you, but I'm trying to achieve my goals. I certainly enjoy reading all that is posted on your blog.Keep the information coming. I loved it!

The Best SEO Company said...

Really i appreciate the effort you made to share the knowledge. The topic here i found was really effective to the topic which i was researching for a long time

buy codeine online said...

This site is excellent and so is how the subject matter was explained. I also like some of the comments too.Waiting for next post.

best organic seo service said...

This is good site to spent time on .I just stumbled upon your informative blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your very well written blog posts. I will be your frequent visitor, that's for sure.

top organic Seo said...

Very interesting thanks. I believe there's even more that could be on there! keep it up

tubal ligation reversal said...

Awesome article, I am regular visitor of this website, keep up the good work, and I will be a regular visitor for a very long time.

Adam said...

Very significant article for us ,I think the representation of this article is actually superb one. This is my first visit to your site.
Car Locksmith

Jacks Pheonix said...

Really i appreciate the effort you made to share the knowledge. The topic here i found was really effective to the topic which i was researching for a long time buy medicine

joli said...

Taking organic vitamins means that the supplements are free of any synthetic chemicals, which can cause free radicals to party in your body and can lead to cancers and other illnesses over time.

organic vitamins

Jonah Brightbill NBA BLOG said...

Awesome article, I am regular visitor of this website, keep up the good work, and I will be a regular visitor for a very long time.wholesale cheap jerseys
nfl jerseys cheap

Belkowski Gaylord said...

Awesome article, I am regular visitor of this website, keep up the good work, and I will be a regular visitor for a very long time.usa football jerseys cheap
jerseys cheap

Belkowski Gaylord said...

I once believed him and was really worried for you. And then laughed when to finish. Just the book you can write in your dreams.
http://www.wholesalingjerseys.org/
http://www.wholesalingjerseys.org/

Timothy Lichliter NBA BLOG said...

This has been a so interesting read, would love to read more here.... cheap nike jerseys

Hannah bolton said...

It’s a great site to see. That will help for improvisation of me. Will definitely marked as Bookmark.
business broadband providers

ko chess said...

Thank you for writing informative content. I’m impressed with your capability to write persuasive material. you have supplied me lots of thought-provoking views to consider. cheap mlb jerseys

Leroy Pfeister said...

This website is very good, so is the theme of how to explain. I also like some comments too. For a post.
cheap football jerseys

Post a Comment