Friday, January 22, 2010

In Which I'm Glad It Wasn't Me

When you have a blog for a while, there are times when you struggle to find things to write about. You sit there at your desk and try to come up with something, anything to fill the empty page on your screen, but there is nothing but that blinking cursor, mocking you. You're just about ready to give up, preparing yourself to write a short post that says "I've got nothing to write about, be back on Monday" and then POOF, like manna from the Gods, something happens. Something you can write about. 

Don't you love it when that happens?

I was in the express checkout line yesterday at Walmart waiting to purchase a few items and, as usual, the store was crazy busy and the checkout lines were all running extremely slow. After standing in the same place in line for five minutes I began to wonder why Walmart even bothered to have express checkout lanes. They don't often get you out the door any faster because they put the strangest, slowest (and oldest) cashiers there, and it takes all of my restraint to not jump behind the register and ring up items myself. 

At long last there was only one other guy in front of me in line. He held whatever he was buying in front of him as he waited, so during our time in line I couldn't see what he was waiting to pay for. When it was his turn, he set his three items down on the counter: A six-pack of a local micro-brew, some EasyMac, and an economy-size package of 36 latex "ribbed for her pleasure" condoms. 

The guy shuffles down to the debit card device and digs out his wallet. The cashier, a middle-aged woman with hair like Lucy from Peanuts and skin and teeth like an ancient crocodile with a penchant for chewing on rocks, bares her snaggle-toothed smile and greets him loudly. 

"Heya!" she said. She reached up to the left panel of her standard-issue blue vest and adjusted one of the pins attached to her name tag. 

"Hey," the guy said quietly. He was looking down, seemingly very interested in the contents of his wallet. 

"How are you today?"

"Fine."

"Yeah?" she asked cheerily. She was very chipper. Almost creepily so. She paused for a moment, and then reached for the box of EasyMac. "I'm fine, too, thanks for asking."

She looked up at him as if she expected him to laugh at her wittiness, and then shook her head when she didn't get a response. She slid the EasyMac over the scanner and bagged it. 

"Looks like you're going to have quite the night," she commented. She rang up the beer next. "Can I see some ID?"

The guy looks up, startled. "Wh-what did you say?"

"I need your ID. For the beer," she said.

He dug out his license and handed it over. "No, I meant what did you say before that?"

"Hmm? Oh. I said it looks like you're going to have quite the night. What, with the beer and the condoms and the mac 'n cheese and all." She gestured widely at his purchases with one hand as she keyed in his date of birth. 

The color drained from the guy's face. He turned to look at me, and the expression on his face screamed "HELP ME". I shrugged and thanked my lucky stars that this was happening to him and not me. 

He stammered and tried to come up with a response, and eventually just decided to stay quiet. 

"Personally, I don't much care for them."

"What, the beer? The EasyMac?" the guy asked almost pleadingly. 

"No, the ribbed condoms. They say that they're for 'her pleasure', but I don't get it. Maybe I'm just too loose down there for it to matter."

All the color that had drained from his face now came flooding back, and his expression morphed into one of fear. She handed him back his ID and rang up the rubbers. He swiped his debit card through the device and frantically punched in his PIN number. 

"I guess when you pop out five kids naturally, that tends to happen," she continued. Having rung up all of his items and processed his debit card, the register spit out his receipt. By the time she pulled it from the printer and handed it over, the guy already had the bag with his items in hand and was walking away.

"Sir! Your receipt!" she called out. 

"Keep it!" he yelled over his shoulder. He cast one last frightened look back at the cashier, and then booked it for the door. 

I set my basket on the counter, and she turned to look at me. She crumpled up his receipt and threw it away. 

"Heya!" she said again, in her classic cherry voice. "How are you today?"

I responded immediately. "Good, and you?" 

---

I learn by example, people. Especially when it comes to snaggle-toothed Walmart cashiers who over share deeply personal information with complete strangers. 

Have a good weekend, everyone. 

118 Comments:

Becca said...

Oh. My. Gaw....how mortifying for this guy!

Logical Libby said...

Holy shit. It's cashiers like this that keep America's young people from engaging in safe sex.

Jenn(ifer) said...

another reason why I love to hate walmart!

Only you would get to experience to greatness of this tho'

nigelmoose said...

Fabulous!

Amy said...

NO. WAY.

TOO LOOSE DOWN THERE????

EWWW, I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE. WALMART IS THE DEVIL.

Coach J said...

Creepy as all get out. What makes it creepier is that when I read your story, I pictured our resident old as hell Walmart checker. She has blue hair, caked on make up and goes by the name of "Smiley." She's about a bazillion years old, and I DO NOT want to know what's going on "down there."

carissajaded said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I'm glad that wasn't me either! It's bad enough having to buy embarrassing items, but to have to talk about them! Nomaam.com. I'm even glad I didn't have to witness that! It was uncomfortable enough having to read about it! Have a good weekend Badass!!

Amber Page Writes said...

ARGH! "Too loose?" That conversation makes me want to cover my ears...

Walmart cashiers, they get their revenge.

Little Ms Blogger said...

OMG! I guess when doing product testing on the ribbed condoms, Trojan forgot to ask women who gave birth to 5 kids.

I just noticed you have 985 followers? OMG congrats. I think I looked 2 weeks ago and you had 500.

TechnoBabe said...

Too funny! If I could find a comedy act like that at our Wal Mart I would shop more often!!

Sandy said...

Said it before, you just can't make this shit up. Or can you? Holy crap, she's right! 985 followers....that's a small town.

Shonassie said...

I, too suffer from many trying to speak to me when I least want interaction. Problem is, I take a page from my dad's book. When someone offers me way too personal information or some such cripe like this lady did, I come back with something equally embarassing to them, that usually sets them back on their heels and shuts them up! It doesn't always work, but often enough to make it worth it! Never let someone else get the last word when it comes to embarassing moments! LOL!!

Nyx said...

Oh...gag.

Our local wal-mart has begun to lock the condoms up. So I suppose it would be extra-mortifying to get them.

Not that I've looked or anything....

We only have a few older wal-mart cashiers - the majority of them are angsty teens that have a personal vendetta against the world.

Stay loose. (ew...threw up in my mouth there a little...)

Moonspun said...

Mother of God, you witness the best stuff! Talk about oversharing! However, I just chortled at work reading that...like I always say, you can't make up the good stuff!

Ashley Stone said...

Oh my goodness that is hilarious!

Mrs Soup said...

Oh my......

That is.....

WOW!

Artgirl said...

If it didn't happen at a Wal-Mart, I wouldn't have believed you. Good grief!

Jennifer Ramirez (photographsNwhite08) said...

:O Just imagine if you had went up there buying a gun or something, lol.

mepsipax said...

Wow... glad I found your blog again. Stupid fecking computers.
Also, that old lady wrecked that guy. I always hated/loved buying condoms. That experience can go either way.... ha.

Aunt Becky said...

Dude. Bwahahahaha! That's totally awesome. That guy is probably dying inside somewhere.

Aunt Juicebox said...

So how was the beer and easy mac? ;)

Deb said...

-->Not to be captain of the obvious but shouldn't she have used condoms more often to NOT have five children and resulting "looseness?"

www.WebSavvyMom.com

Arielle said...

One of my co-workers used to do that. And not out of spite for impolite customers, but because she thought she was being friendly, I think.

soft nonsense said...

You know you have a good story on your hands when all anyone can say is.....wow.

Mystern said...

Bwahahahaha!

That's all I got to say. The only time anything remotely close happened to me was when I bought some Whippets. Then again, the cashiers knew as well as I that I was not going to use them for the whipped cream which was their factory intended use.

Nej said...

Walmart, huh? You're a brave, brave, man. :-)

Mwa said...

WHAT??? That actually happened???

Choleesa said...

awesome, just plain awesome..

ForeverRhonda said...

Wow! What a fantastic story! This is why I both love and hate the Wal-Mart!

baimao said...

brilliant.

MissIndependent said...

LOL.
this just made my day!

Melissa said...

HAH! I have an opposite story in which I embarrass the cashier. Male cashier..

I stopped at my local C-Store for tampons, emergency tampons for that matter. I found out that they had stopped carrying tampons after looking in every aisle with wads of tissue stuffed in my underwear. Pacing frantically. Finally I had to ask him where the tampons were. I thought maybe they started carrying them behind the counter (like the condoms) and he said that they dont carry them anymore. To which I said VERY loudly. This is a convenience store and you dont carry TAMPONS!! He started turning purple. I then said, that is decidedly INCONVENIENT! And wanted to stomp out, but was afraid the tissue would dislodge while I had to drive to the grocery store to get my stuff.

BTW, dont they have self checkout up THAR?

Daddy Files said...

You played it all wrong Badass!

You should've engaged her in even more conversation. Obviously she would've over-shared with you and you could've gotten even more material out of it. Hell, it could've been a sexy Q&A with a middle-aged, snaggle-tooth Wal-Mart cashier. I know that may sound gross, but think about it...who WOULDN'T read that??

Embrace the madness Badass. Embrace it!!

Mad Woman said...

Oh geez. I would have died! I will make sure I ask how they're doing from now on. Scary!

GeekByMarriage said...

OMFG. Poor guy! She's sooo lucky her boss didn't overhear! Those cashiers are forbidden to comment on any "personal" items that come down their lanes.

Daddy Files is right. Should have milked her for more juicy details!

Queen of Ruckus said...

Oh Dear Lord, what the hell!?!?! First off, POOR guy! I mean, he was really looking forward to his evening; dinner, brew, and a little screw, but after his encounter with Snaggle-Tooth, I think he drank the brew, screwed dinner, and said to hell with the lucky lady... poor, poor guy indeed.

LilVic said...

What a visual...I'm going to go claw my eyes out now...

Chris Mancini said...

I just got a bit nauseous as well. Did you at least thank her for giving you a blog idea?

2nd Blog idea: Go back a few days later, buy comdoms, and when she starts runing her yap just say "I know, you're too loose down there."

Shantanu Rathore said...

I agree with one of the comments above...that a conversation with her would get you something interesting to write about....

But on second thoughts, you did the right thing.....I would'nt want the whole line sniggering after I ve left...

Chibi Jeebs said...

I'm guessing she effectively obliterated his need for any of those condoms. Ever again. bwa ha haaaa

Andrea said...

Poor guy wonder what happened once he was back home?

Alex said...

Buying condoms in Korea always freaks me out because I never know when I'm going to run into my students at the supermarket. It makes me miss the anonymous big bags health services always handed out in college.

That Kind of Girl said...

Oh. my. gosh. I gasped when I read "quite the night" and my face was a paralyzed mask of SHOCK AND HORROR until the end of the tale. Wow. This is why I shop at Target.

Kathy Garmus said...

You can always count on Walmart to cure a case of writer's block!

Jan said...

That's too funny. I would have had to suggest that she do some kegals or something.

JennyMac said...

Was your easy mac good? LOL.

Too loose? Excuse me.
I...am...going...to...be....sick.

Divecchio317 said...

wow...I work in a store too and I've always wanted to say something like "have fun!" when customers buy condoms...hahahah thats hysterical

Badass Geek said...

Becca: Seriously.

Logical Libby: Yes. It's all their fault.

Jenn(ifer): I know. I'm like a magnet for this stuff.

Nigelmoose: In a horrific way, yes.

Amy: Agreed.

Coach J: No. Absolutely no.

CarissaJaded: Thanks, you too!

Amber Page Writes: They've got to get their kicks somehow.

Little Ms Blogger: Thanks! It's a miracle.

TechnoBabe: This kind of stuff is only funny when it's happening to someone else.

Sandy: I almost wish I hadn't witnessed this.

Shonassie: Good idea.

Nyx: Indeed it would be!

Moonspun: Very, very true.

Ashley Stone: I thought so.

Mrs Soup: Yes. Wow.

Artgirl: It just fits, right?

Jennifer Ramirez: Yeah. That would have been crazy.

Mepsipax: Indeed.

Aunt Becky: Most likely.

Aunt Juicebox: Har har har.

Deb: Makes sense to me!

Arielle: I like to think that this was done out of spite, but you never know.

Soft Nonsense: That's absolutely right.

Mystern: NICE.

Nej: I know. =)

Mwa: Yes. Unfortunately.

Choleesa: Yes.

ForeverRhonda: Me, too.

Baimao: Thanks.

MissIndependent: Glad I could help.

Melissa: Not that I've seen around here, no.

Daddy Files: I'll keep that in mind for the next time.

Mad Woman: Lesson learned, right?

GeekByMarriage: She must enjoy testing her limits.

Queen of Ruckus: I felt bad for the guy, too.

LilVic: Sorry. =)

Chris Mancini: I may have to try that.

Shantanu Rathore: Or any further bad mental images.

Chibi Jeebs: I think so, too.

Andrea: I know it.

Alex: They should package condoms in anonymous boxes or bags to avoid such embarrassment.

That Kind of Girl: I wish we had a Target nearby where I lived.

Kathy Garmus: Indeed we can.

Jan: Probably would have helped.

JennyMac: Har har har. =)

Feral Female said...

Hilarious!

Cynthia said...

I'm glad it wasn't you also Badass, lol. I would've had to have given you a big hug and kiss after dealing with that putrid wretch!

Abi said...

Great Blog! :)
this reminds me of a lesbian greeter at Walmart that looks much of the same is this cashier you speak of. She looks me up and down every time I enter the store. Nothin against lesbians, but she could at least be hot if shes going to google at me like I'm sex on a stick or something.

frenchie said...

bwahahahahhha!OMG! poor Dude! he's never making that mistake again!!!

Notes From the Grove said...

Hoooolyyyyyyy SHIT! LOL! How mortifying!

(And now we know why she works at Walmart.)

daria said...

Heh, somehow the first scenario never happens to me, since I don't write on any type of regular basis, but only when things come to my head AND I have the time (more often than not, these do not coincide). But I'm glad you're finding things to talk about, and often. :)

But um, Walmart. Oh, Walmart and its people. That's why they have a website dedicated to them, eh?

girlvaughn said...

that's hilarious... the poor guy probably won't ever go shopping again.

Anonymous said...

Hey badass. How about another "ask me anything" blog.

Glamour Girl said...

For the love. I'm miserable after reading this (for that poor guy) and Im thinking I'll step away from the computer and let myself recoup.

camerabanger said...

Ummmm....I didn't read all the comments but the post definitely took the starch outta my day. Perhaps we need a little more 'class stratification' in the good ol' USA. Bring back the public whippings?

Phoenix said...

I don't mean to get all schadenfreude but this really did absolutely make my day. I will never, ever feel like this is a cruel and horrible world for making guys buy the condoms and girls buy the tampons.

I laughed so hard I lost valuable cheesecake on my keyboard. Totally worth it.

Gabby said...

I live in France, where anything beyond "bonjour" at the cash register is considered bad form.

There are many reasons I love living here - and *that* is definitely one of them

Great post!

Jennifer said...

Oh I wish I could've seen that. Poor guy, but his humiliation was worth the post!

Tony said...

there's a lady that used to work at the lunch area where I work and if you asked her how she was doing she would tell you in great detail. I used to hate going through her line because sometimes she would tell me about bowel movement troubles she had or whatever other troubles she may be experiencing.

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